Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. In fact, I just found an electronic photo file that I did not know I had, and as I came across it tonight, I realized it is filled with wonderful pictures. In this picture, Mattie is sitting on our kitchen counter. He was my kitchen helper, and that morning he helped me make homemade waffles. He was good at helping me measure out the flour, eggs, baking powder, etc., and then mix in all the ingredients. Mattie loved waffles, and at times he couldn't wait to taste the final product fast enough, and would start eating prior to making it to the dining table. Notice the fork Mattie was using here as well. It was a LEGO fork that he received from Team Mattie, and naturally LOVED!
Poem of the day: The ways I miss you by Charlie Brown
Sometimes I miss the sight of you
But right now it's how you felt
The softness of your cheek
Always made my heart melt
I miss the fun you brought
Into our lives each day
And how you taught me
Almost anything can be "play"
So I am just very lonely
And I can't sleep at night
There isn't much I wouldn't give
To see you in bed, tucked tight.
But that's a sight I won't see again
'Cause you are gone from our life
And the pain that your absence causes
Well, it cuts just like a knife.
I keep asking myself when
Will the pain ever get any better
And I fear I know the truth
That I will stop missing you never!
Ann's cousins (Helen and JP) visiting from Boston were leaving today, and I had the opportunity to have breakfast with them. Our friend, Tanja, and her daughter, Katharina, also joined us, and we were quite a large group at the restaurant, with a whole lot of energy and things to say. I have met Ann's cousin Helen before, perhaps two years ago, and with each visit, I have gotten to see her and get to know her better. Helen and I have a lot in common, we are both originally New Yorkers, we are only children, we married men who grew up in Massachusetts, and we love animals. Helen and I email each other occasionally and you may find it interesting to know that Helen is an avid blog reader. Helen started reading the blog before we really knew each other, and she never met Mattie in person. However, Mattie's story impacts so many of us, it is a human story, and therefore no personal encounters are really necessary. So much about Mattie's spirit can be captured through pictures and the stories I hope I have captured over time in the blog.
As my parents went back to Los Angeles on Thursday, Peter and I are once again in DC without family. Therefore it was nice to have this time with Ann's family to help ease the transition. Ann's cousin, JP, Tanja, and I had a good time joking around with each other today. JP is one of these lucky people who has a very high metabolism, and can literally eat you out of house and home, and yet be as thin as a rail. I have enjoyed watching him put away amazing amounts of food over the course of two days! Ann took JP, Helen, and I shopping for DC t-shirts today, so that they could bring souvenirs back to Boston. On the car ride there, I am not sure how we got into talking about Mattie's final hours, but we did. As Ann was describing what she saw in Mattie, the day before he died, I was recalling the picture she was painting. A picture that I am not sure will ever fade from my memory. It is hard to forget a bed filled with pain syringes everywhere, screams of pain, the inability to breathe, the infamous death rattle sound coming from Mattie's lungs, and of course the sound of Mattie dying and his monitors all beeping because his vitals all flat lined. This memory flashed back to me, and unlike my usual frozen state, I started crying.
The funny picture with the girls acting goofy......
From left to right: Vicki, Katie, and Katharina
The after picture, with the girls smiling.......
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message and a poem. The message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I think that you may have to take some action to help your sleep situation. You have "learned" not to sleep at night and now you need some help in relearning that skill. You might want to talk to your physician about short term sleeping aids or else trying meditation or perhaps Valerian, an herb which some people find helpful. I've read lots of articles on sleep problems and the majority of them are very strongly in favor of developing night time rituals and sticking to them as a way of reminding yourself that it is time to rest. You do need to do something about this problem as it will continue to impact your immune system and cause you to become ill more often as well as possibly setting off your headaches. Given how little sleep you are getting I am amazed you can function but I am glad you are still getting out and visiting people. I know you will be seeing Mary next week in Ann's absence and that she greatly appreciates your presence in her life. I am glad your parents made it home safely; flying is no longer a fun thing to do. As you go into this weekend, try to come up with some night time calming rituals you can do to help you relax and rest. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The poem is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Thanks Nancy for taking my Mattie feelings and encounters seriously!
A PASSING GLANCE by Nancy Heller Moskowitz
As your grandparents' left today, I sat and wondered
What you would be doing as we waited?
I realize that I do that a great deal,
Wonder, what if?
As I drove home, I stopped to check
And for a flash, I felt you there.
Sitting in your seat with a smile upon your face.
I hold on to this vision for only a moment,
Afraid to spend more time, reflecting
For the reality is more than I can bare,
That you are not really there.
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