Tonight's picture is priceless! My friend, Carolyn, sent me this picture last night. This picture was taken in May of 2006, when Mattie was four years old. He was attending Ellie's (Carolyn's daughter) birthday party, and having a great time riding the pony! The irony is this picture is hanging up on the wall in Mattie's room. When Ellie sent out her thank you notes that year, with the note came the picture. Mattie loved the picture so much and wanted to remember the party, which explains why the photo is still hanging up in his room. Mattie and I are both pack rats, and I can also report that the flowered lei Mattie has around his neck from the party is still in our home as well! It is funny, this party was over four years ago, yet the picture has evoked so many memories. I am so glad Carolyn took pictures that day and shared them with Ellie's friends, because for Peter and I, only the pictures remain.
Poem of the day: You Won't by Charlie Brown
Your friends they are all changing
Growing big and tall,
Trying out new things
Heading to school in the fall.
But you my son are frozen
There at seven years old.
Always remaining the same boy,
Adventurous, loving and bold.
Sometimes that's what
I think hurts the most,
That your place in the future
Is no more than a ghost.
You never will grow any older
Or have children of your own
I won't be asking you who you are
Talking to on that phone.
No sports, no girlfriends
No tuxedo for the prom
No more hugs for dad
Or kisses for your mom.
You always will be here though
Loved and safe in my memory
And though you had to go away
Those can't be taken from me.
I actually did sleep last night, but I am still so exhausted that it feels like I never went to sleep at all. Peter took on the project of painting our deck this weekend. This is most definitely a project he would have done with Mattie. So I am sure this whole activity is bittersweet. Peter is painting the deck, one half at a time. This is necessary since Speedy Red needs to sit on one half while the other half of the deck gets painted. Needless to say, half of our deck looks MUCH better now. While Peter was working on that project, I decided to finally take windex to our living room windows, and peel off all the gel like creatures Mattie stuck to the windows over the course of a year. We had jelly like fish, dogs, and snowmen attached to the window. However, over time, these jelly like things melt with the sun, and not only were they dripping down our windows, but worse, there were flies and other bugs trapped into the gel. I couldn't take looking at that mess any longer. So I slowly worked on that, and at some point Peter had to help me because this gel like substance was sticking to me and everything else. For me, taking these creatures off the window was hard. It was hard because this is something Mattie absolutely loved. With each season, I would get him these jelly like window catchers, and we would put them on the windows together. Taking these creatures down means so many things, from the simple fact that no new creatures will be replacing these old ones, to a tradition between Mattie and I is now dead. I did keep up the Valentine's day gel like hearts we put up together, and did not have the heart to remove them!
You should note that Peter has been SLOWLY cleaning out the window area of our living room. I know we need the space by the windows to bring our trees inside during the winter, and frankly I couldn't deal with this, so Peter has taken this on. Peter is relocating the things he is moving from the living room to Mattie's room, which is now looking more like a wherehouse than a room. But because Peter has been taking things apart in this particular area of our room, I am seeing things there that I haven't noticed before.
So after my window clean up ordeal, I noticed a plastic container by the curtains. When I opened up the container I found Mattie's clay art work stacked in it. I had NO idea that I put these creations in there, and it was like opening up a treasure chest today and finding gold. Mattie's art work in a way is priceless, because it captures his spirit and creativity. I must admit though that these art pieces did not look familiar to me. However, they were VERY familiar to Peter, who helped him create most of them in clinic. So I will share with you the new found pieces.
This was Mattie's version of a clay sea turtle! Somehow the camera doesn't do justice to the vibrant colors Mattie selected for the turtle's shell!
Despite chaotic traffic today due to a rally and a protest, I managed my way out of the city to Ann's house and then to Mary's. Ann's daughter, Abigail, has a new pet, a betta fish named Poseidon. Poseidon needs to be fed each day, and I could bring the fish to my home, but Patches is one clever cat, and Poseidon would be one tasty snack for her! I must admit I can take care of mammals, but fish are NOT my forte, especially Betta fish. Some of you will recall that my parents bought Mattie a red Betta fish on September 6, 2009. On September 7, 2009, this fish died, right in the PICU! Thank goodness Mattie was too out of it to notice, because he would have been crushed, since he really wanted a fish! In a way this fish was his last request. I can't help but worry about Poseidon's safety after my last Betta fish experience. I went back to the blog tonight because I was racking my brain trying to remember the name of Mattie's fish. I searched through the appropriate dates, but what I discovered was I never actually told our readers what the name was, most likely because I was trying to down play having a fish in the PICU! Peter reminded me that Mattie's fish's name was "Super Red." Super Red was a beautiful red color and looked like the picture of health. However, when the fish died, I felt this was a bad omen for things to come for Mattie. Unfortunately I was right!
I spent some time with Mary today, and she seemed very tired. So tired that her caregivers did not bring her to the dining room table for dinner, they served her dinner by her comfortable chair. I sat with Mary and helped her eat. I noticed Mary's caregivers was primarily feeding her, rather than allowing Mary to feed herself. Sometimes I too land up feeding Mary, but only after I have assessed that she looks tired, and is struggling. In a nice way, I told the caregiver tonight that I would take care of Mary while she was eating, and freed her up to work with other residents. Instead of standing over Mary, like I observed her caregiver doing, I sat down next to her. I held the bowls of food, and placed the fork in her hand. Yes she needed some assistance, but assistance is better than being depersonalized and hand fed. Mary perked up with conversation, and after dinner, I put Mary's hand in a basin and cleaned her wedding rings. Mary's rings no longer can come off her finger, but she has asked me to clean her rings for a while now. So today, I finally decided to bring ring cleaner with me, a tiny brush to scrub the ring, and a basin for her to put her hand in to catch all the water and cleaner. Needless to say, Mary's rings are sparkling and she told me the story about how her husband picked out her engagement ring, and that her wedding band is her mother in law's. It was a project that got Mary talking, retelling history, and also enjoying the beauty of her ring, a symbol of her marriage. As she said to me tonight, this is the last remaining thing she has that her husband gave her. I understand the need to cling to things when everything else is gone.
As I was driving home this evening, and crossing over the Memorial Bridge two things caught my attention. George Strait's song, "The breath you take" came on the radio (a very meaningful song about not getting caught up with the everyday tasks, but instead enjoying and appreciating the moments that take your breath away) and overhead, three Canadian Geese flew by. Somehow these geese symbolized our family of Peter, Mattie, and I. This sight was indeed a moment that took my breath away! Peter and I had a nice dinner together, and we listened to songs from various musicals in the background. The music got us talking about the shows we have seen over the years, and it turned out to be a good distraction for us.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "What you wrote about Mattie's story is so true. So many are caught up in it even though they may never have met him or in some cases never met you or Peter face to face. Such can be the power of words to invoke the feelings of love, dedication and loss. And the pictures you select are so compelling as well It would be hard for anyone who followed this blog for even a short time not to feel connected in some way. The pictures of you with the girls is really great and as you wrote they both have really grown this summer. I understand what you said about not wanting to be 12 again; if you had to go through this again, who would choose that? If you knew you could change the outcome, that might be different, but just to live it all over again....I am not sure too many of us would be willing to do an exact replay of our own lives either. Today as I practice I send you my strength to help you continue to get well and to find a way back into a more healthy waking/sleeping cycle. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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