Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009, right in the middle of our living room. A room which was transformed over one year's time period from our common living space, to literally a Lego museum and workspace. That particular night, Peter resumed his usual position on the floor to build a Lego structure with Mattie. At that particular point in time, you could see that Mattie was having trouble breathing, and was on oxygen as well as IV pain pumps at home. At times I try to imagine the immense level of discomfort and pain Mattie was in, and yet despite this, he wanted almost desperately to play. He certainly had his challenging moods and moments where he would shut down from talking and communicating, but for the most part, Legos were our therapeutic tool. These were tools that worked for all three of us, it kept us busy, stimulated, and engaged with one another. I wonder if Legos ever realized the true value of their toy!?
Poem of the day: Missing you again by Charlie Brown
I missed you yesterday
This is not news
And I will miss you
All the tomorrows
Of my life.
However, in the today of my life,
While I miss you,
I invite you to visit.
To be with me in spirit
And help me learn to take joy
In the things you loved.
It is so very hard without you.
I had another problematic night of sleep, and I seem to be sick yet again with another head cold. I practically think I was sick for most of July, and August hasn't been much better. I now get up periodically through the night and can't seem to sleep straight through until the morning. Poor Peter is used to me getting up and down now, and sometimes I get very frustrated and land up turning on the TV. Needless to say my movement mobilizes Patches, and then it is a domino effect with everyone being up at odd hours. This morning, I woke up again at 6am, but this time, Peter escorted me back to bed and encouraged me to sleep.
My parents and I went to the mall together today. We had lunch at one of their favorite restaurants, and while there, they introduced me to Lorraine. Lorraine, works at the restaurant and got to know my parents over the year Mattie was in the hospital. After they would visit us in the hospital, they would sometimes go out to eat, and Lorraine learned about our family's story over the 15 month ordeal. I have met Lorraine once before, but today, we had an opportunity to chat. She loves my parents and literally sat down at the table with us to chat. Lorraine gave me a big hug and clearly she is touched by my story, and even made me a special dessert today with baked apples. I am a fruit fan, and especially love cooked apples, so she found a way to my heart, especially since I sound terrible and my head is so stuffed up.
My mom and I walked around the mall for a while, but then we headed home. I just feel miserable and need to figure out how I will get myself better. As Ann reminded me today, I have been on antibiotics literally for over a month, and somehow this isn't helping.
This evening, I cooked dinner for my parents, and Patches was staying close. I know was a rude awakening for her when Peter didn't come home tonight. As of 8pm, Peter safely made it to his destination in New Jersey! Despite not feeling well, I did get outside to our garden and watered today. I appreciate some of you brainstorming ideas with me about planting bulbs in the fall, to keep my gardening focus alive and well. I think it is a great idea. I haven't planted bulbs in a long time, but I welcome this challenge and then will be awaiting the magnificent outcome in the spring. My friend, Carolyn, and I have been chatting about bulbs and things to plant in the Fall, so I appreciate the fact that so many of you are listening to me and actually understanding many of my fears and sadness.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I hope your mom is beginning to recover from her illness. These transitions from one climate and time zone to another are harder than we think sometimes. I am glad they are there with you while Peter is gone for a few days. While I know you cope just fine alone, it is nice to know that someone is in the house with you, although it seems Patches is quite willing to play the role of the abandoned sweetheart while Peter is away. I am sorry she disturbs your already precarious rest; perhaps the vet can suggest something. There are also natural anti-anxiety pheromones that can help with animal anxiety. It seems that JP has been a "light" in the shadow of grief for you these past few days and I am glad you got to go out to dinner and enjoy his sense of humor. As always, I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "I loved this story about the bug. What a sense of humor to pick one of the uckiest bugs and make a big one for you and then to give you the big fly swatter! Mattie thought of all the conditions and didn't hesitate to keep humor in your lives in spite of his illness. Bravo, Mattie. I have been thinking of you all weekend as another week , since Mattie's death, comes to an end. I was reflecting on your comments regarding his visit with you during the show. You learned from Mom to give to a child even when one is not feeling well. That is what you did every day of Mattie's life and especially during his illness. She continues to do this as she went to the show on Saturday evening just because you asked. That is what Charlie and I call a mitzvah. and being a beautiful, generous parent. I am glad that you enjoyed the show a second time and this time Mattie joined you for part of it. I haven't seen it in NY yet and now am more tempted than ever. We have spoken of Sept. 8th and what Peter and you might do on that day to memorialize Mattie. Although it is very close to this important date in your lives, I did think that the Foundation might sponsor a Lego contest. I thought the store might give a portion of the money taken in and there could be a nominal entrance fee with a prize for the most creative Lego creation. There could be different levels of competition and each group would get a certain amount of Legos and then go to town. As you know, rituals are very important to us at any time. I have learned that they are even more important when remembering a loved one. That is why I am confident that Peter and you will come up with one unique to Mattie and you. As you have shared with all of us, in pictures and stories, Mattie was very special. Each person that has been in his life has been touched by his being. I do wish you more peaceful days and nights as you spend this day with your parents. With love always and in all ways."
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