Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. Mattie, along with Peter's mom, decided to paint our deck together. In fact, that was the last time our deck was painted, and despite that the paint is all chipped away this summer, Peter and I have yet to paint over Mattie's work. In reality, Mattie was a fantastic painter. He was methodical, neat, and paid attention to details. He was my kind of painter, and he, Peter, and I painted the deck many times over the years. In fact the first year we did this, he was just a little guy. Maybe 3. However, Mattie insisted he wanted to help me. I figured he would make it painting for about five minutes or so and then would be bored, and want to move on. But on the contrary, even at that age, he remained focused and on task. He was a good little painter, and Peter and I miss our helper this year. He always inspired us to take on this task, especially since we would spend so much time on the deck together.
Poem of the day: Tuesday, Once More by Charlie Brown
Tuesday is here.
A reminder
As if I needed one
That you are gone
Another week.
Sometimes I look back
To where we were
A year ago
And I am horrified
At how it was.
I could not wish
That upon you
Any longer
No matter how much
I miss you.
I know you tried
To stay in spite
Of all the pain,
You loved us
That much.
I will use that love
To help me through the winter
Until the spring
Blooms again
In my heart.
Today is a day of transitions in many ways. My parents are getting ready to leave tomorrow morning, and Peter is driving home from New Jersey. My parents are both feeling better and have readjusted to our time zone. Fortunately they stopped over in DC for a week to recuperate before flying directly home to Los Angeles.
My parents and I went out to lunch today with my friend, Tamra. Prior to meeting for lunch, Tamra sent me a lovely e-mail about her most recent butterfly sighting in her neighborhood. In fact, her dog, Rocket, seems to attract the attention of butterflies and a beautiful monarch flew down on Rocket's back yesterday and literally stayed on his back for several blocks, from the park to his house. I told Tamra, Mattie is all around us! Tamra asked me if I was interested in building a butterfly garden. I told her I was, and she plans on connecting me to a wonderful horticulturalist at the US Botanical Gardens, who is willing to work with me. Now where I will create this garden is up for debate, but I would love to learn about the plants that attract these fine winged creatures.
Tamra was a loyal member of Team Mattie, and when my parents would come into town to visit Mattie while he was battling cancer, Tamra always made the time to visit with my parents. So over the course of two years, they all became friends. What I will never forget is that Team Mattie did not only care for Mattie, but Mattie's entire family. Frankly prior to cancer, I wasn't sure that the beauty and cohesiveness of such a Team was possible, but I learned a lot in two short years. To me this Team is noteworthy, and will remain alive always in my mind and heart, because living through cancer was impossible, but living through it without the support of this incredible Team would have been unthinkable.
We ate today right by the Potomac River. We could see boats and planes taking off at Reagan National Airport. Our waitress introduced herself to us, and her name was Mary. Mary sounds like she has had a difficult life and explained to us that she was an actress and a hairdresser, but had a traumatic experience (which she did not elaborate on), and was unable to return to either profession. Now if I heard this story prior to Mattie's cancer, I may have thought perhaps it was inappropriate of her to share this information with her customers, but my perspective is completely changed now. She is human and was making a human connection. I relate to traumas very well, and give her credit for admitting she survived one and is trying to find her way back into the world. This is just one of many ways cancer has changed my life. I have a need to connect with others on a more deeper level, and small talk for the most part no longer interests me. We covered many topics over lunch, and I am happy I have been able to connect my parents with some of my friends this week while they have visited.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Recovery from cancer treatment takes a long time. First, there are the drugs and/or radiation that cause havoc in the body and then there are all the sleepless nights of worry, pain and illness. Since you went through every step of that with Mattie, of course your body is still recovering just as your heart and mind are. The body (our physical self), our mind (the mental self) and our heart (our emotional self) are the three sides of the triangle that make up who we are. When any side (in your case, all sides) are damaged, it takes time for healing to happen. Love, rest and creative "work" for the hands and the mind are the keys here but like any other medication or therapy, they take time to work. Learning to live again in this world is like physical therapy after an accident. At first it seems impossible that you will ever do it. You put all your weight on the bars when you stand and even so, just staying up is incredibly exhausting. Slowly you learn to put one foot in front of the other and move, but the weight is mostly supported by the equipment until eventually your body is strong enough to support itself. The scars remain, to remind us of what we have achieved in the process. We function again and yet, we are never the same even if no one sees our scars. Just as Mattie's scars were his badges of courage, so too are your invisible scars badges of honor and courage for helping him fight and then having to do the even more difficult work of continuing to live a meaningful life without his physical presence. As we come up on the first year of that work, I honor your efforts and your scars. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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