Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. Mattie was home and one day Peter and he decided to get creative while I went out. Out of construction paper, they made me a BIG surprise! I asked Peter about this roach today, and he told me the story about its design. Mattie naturally wanted to see me jump and have a reaction upon my return home, so he brainstormed the idea of creating a huge roach, with a face and smile included. Got to just love his sense of humor despite being so sick, on pain killers, and oxygen. To this day, this roach hides behind our television, but I frankly did not remember the story behind it, until Peter refreshed my memory. Also notice that Mattie was holding a huge fly swatter in his hand. Ann found these fly swatters, and we used them at Mattie's birthday party, which he absolutely loved. When Mattie showed me the roach, he suggested that I could use the fly swatter to squash it out. As you can see in the photo, he was cracking up from the whole notion!
Poem of the day: Fragrance by Charlie Brown
Was that "message" from you?
Were you there with me?
I felt you so strongly but
My mind says, "how can it be?"
I am sure you came
To let me know you're okay,
And in the way of your humor
You picked the most perfect play.
It was during a song,
Accompanied by an impossible dance
I recognized that fragrance,
This was certainly not by chance.
I'll remember this happening
When I was so lonely and sad
You sent me your message
For that I am glad.
I have to believe
You are out there somewhere,
And until we meet again
I must try not to despair.
I continue to reflect on the fragrance that wafted passed me at last night's performance. Between Karen and Charlie, we have dialogued about my feelings on this throughout the day. It is hard to understand the things we can't explain, but I appreciate the fact that my friends have been open to the possibility of me connecting with Mattie last night. Perhaps I experienced this because I have been going through a hard time, and on some level, I needed a minute of peace from my feelings. I am not sure, but when I told Peter the story, he did not bat an eyelash. He knew exactly the fragrance I was referring to, and as Charlie mentioned to me, it is interesting that I did not smell a newborn baby smell or a smell of Mattie during his well years. No, instead the smell that grabbed a hold of me last night, was unique, so unique that I have never smelled this fragrance before Mattie had cancer, and after he died, I never smelled it again.
Peter and I had lunch together with my parents today. At lunch we exchanged gifts. Gifts they brought back for me and gifts we got them from our beach trip. Through the exchange it was fun to hear about how the gifts were picked and where they were found. As always we had a lively lunch, and unfortunately my mom continues to feel under the weather.
Peter is headed to New Jersey on Monday and will be there for three days on business. As he has a bag out to pack some things, Patches (our calico cat), is getting very anxious. Patches is very attached to Peter. My joke with Peter is I am not sure who will have a rougher time over the next three days, him or myself. When Peter is gone, Patches loses it, and wakes up at 3am, and literally howls and roams around. She makes sleeping very unpleasant, and mind you I am going through a period right now where sleeping is very difficult for me anyway. So between Patches sleeping schedule and mine, there may be only one of us standing on Wednesday night when Peter returns. At the moment, Patches has jumped inside of Peter's bag, and I am encouraging him to take her with him.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Sometimes all we can do, is to do something whether our heart is in it or not. Judaism says it is best to "believe and to do" but failing that, we should still "do" and eventually the belief will come. And if it does not, what needs to happen will happen anyway. This is what the Rabbis tell us about prayer, about charity, about doing mitzvahs (good deeds) and so on. It is certainly easier to "do" if you believe but it is important that you "do". I use this as my mantra when I am sad or unmotivated; I know that people depend on me and so I pick myself up and I "do" what needs to be done. Usually somewhere in the process I feel better but even if I don't, at the end of the day, I have accomplished something. Some days will be easier than others and some will be gotten through only by force of will but if it is at all possible, get up and "do" something useful/productive/for someone else. It helps more than I can say. I know you are enjoying Ann's garden right now and that you are not looking forward to the end of the growing season. But it isn't the end really, it is a rest time for some and the fall is a good time to plant the bulbs that will give us the spring flowers we love so much. They need the touch of the winter's cold to be able to bloom in the spring. Perhaps you can take some cuttings so that you can restart her garden in the spring. Coleus is easy to root and makes a nice winter indoor plant that can go right back out in the spring. Think of bedding her garden down for a long winter nap so that it all can come back healthy in the spring. As for your experience in the theater, all I can say is that smell is one of the very strongest memory links that we have. It lights up not just the olfactory section of the brain but those involved in all sections where memory can be stored. It is truly a transporting experience. While the fragrance is probably not the one you would have chosen, it is indeed unique to Mattie and leaves no doubt that his spirit is still with you. I hope you are able to draw on that when you need to. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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