Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. In this picture, you can see that Mattie was not well. I can now see it in his eyes. Not sure I registered it back then, because I was too sleep deprived and functioning on auto pilot. Mattie and I have the same eyes, and through our eyes you can tell a lot about us. You will notice that Mattie was holding a little box in this photograph. This little box was his tooth fairy box. We picked out this box together on one of our trips to Deerfield Beach, Fl. The box now sits in my nightstand drawer, with the tooth in it. It was the last tooth Mattie lost, and things that are important to me, I keep in my nightstand drawer. I occasionally pull the tooth out and look at it, and I guess I held it too hard one day, and the tooth split in half.
Poem of the day: Getting through by Charlie Brown
Sometimes it's the little things
The tears, the laughter memory brings
The little things that make my day
And give me hope I'll find my way.
Today for a while I was myself
I put my grief up on a shelf
With no fear that it would go away
I knew it would be back today.
I still miss you with all my heart
And inside you'll always be a part
Of everything I feel and do
I always will be close to you.
Today was a very busy day, filled with finishing up Abbie's redecoration project, and connecting with people. I am constantly amazed with my level of social interactions just being in Ann's neighborhood. I am used to city living where people basically keep to themselves. But when visiting Ann, I see her neighbors and friends on a regular basis. Some days the stark contrast between our lives does hit me.
This morning I went with Ann to visit her mom, Mary. I haven't seen Mary in quite some time because I have been quite ill. Mary was worried about me, and I wanted to visit her before going away tomorrow. As soon as Mary saw me, she said that she had something she has been wanting to tell me since Sunday. So I dragged a chair over and told her I was listening. Mary's son died from cancer about two and a half years ago. However, she has never had a dream about him or felt his presence since he died. A reality I understand all too well, and one that I find disconcerting. However, on Sunday, Mary said she had a dream about her son and he actually touched her arm. She demonstrated on my arm, how he touched her. You could tell this encounter brought her peace and happiness. Yes I said happiness, a word neither Mary or I use in our vocabulary much anymore. I told her I was touched by her story and touched that she wanted to share it with me. Mary took this one step further and told me that Mattie will come to me one day too, for that she was certain. I found that a very beautiful comment for her to make, because on some level she gets me, and she gets my sadness and my feelings of directionless. I also think expressing such concern for me, is an act of love, and it registered in my mind and heart today.
Ann and I had a delightful lunch today with Tanja and Katharina. It was actually Katharina's idea to take me to lunch to celebrate my birthday, and I know she has been excited to give me the special gift she picked out for me. When we arrived at the restaurant, I could see Katharina's enthusiasm. She had given me a hint a week ago about the gift she got me, she told me it was fuzzy and purple. Well indeed it is! It is a beautiful and cozy fleece type blanket. The perfect gift for me since I am always cold! Tanja also gave me two lovely gifts, which were both sentimental in nature. One was a butterfly umbrella, which will always remind me of Mattie, and the other gift was a locket type of keychain. Inside the locket were tiny trinkets all very symbolic of my life with Mattie. For example, one of the trinkets was of a little boy, with a diamond in it (Mattie's birthstone), and another was a lady bug! Each trinket was so meaningful and captured Mattie's spirit and energy. Needless to say, I attached the keyring to my purse and there it will remain. I am certainly touched that Katharina and her mom would want to celebrate my birthday, but I am more moved by the fact that in giving me gifts they thought about Mattie and the things that were important to us and our relationship.
Certainly we can tell if others love us by their actions, but sometimes words are also important, and are needed to be heard. When I lost Mattie in my life, please keep in mind that I also lost a great source of love. Children are wonderful at telling you they love you, at hugging you, kissing you, and making you feel special. Well this source of love went out of my life on September 8, 2009, and with that I also lost an important component that makes me human. The part that needs love and to viewed as special in the eyes of another (naturally I consider myself fortunate to have Peter, and am not minimizing this connection, but I think Peter would also agree that a great source of love in our lives is now gone). What I am trying to say is that now more than ever I do need to hear words, I need people to be open about how they feel about me, and I realize this may not be a form of communication everyone is comfortable with, but it is an important form of support for me. After lunch, Ann reminded me that Tanja said at lunch, that "this was a special lunch for a special person." When Tanja said the comment, I did not internalize it, but upon reflection, I am absorbing it. I thank those who are around me who have the courage to tell me how they feel.
Later this afternoon, the encounters just continued. While running a chore with Ann, I bumped into a colleague of mine, Camille. I hadn't seen Camille in a while, and we had a few minutes to catch up, which was lovely. As I was driving out of Ann's neighborhood tonight, I recognized someone out of the corner of my eye. It was Marisa. Marisa was one of Mattie's great babysitters, and has been our bake sale coordinator two years in a row at the Walk. It was a nice way to end the day, and I met the cute little girl she was watching today.
So as I promised, I want to share two projects I have been working on at Ann's house. The first project involved finding a way to hang a mesh basket for toys from a piece of furniture. When I discussed this project with people at Home Depot, they were thoroughly confused and told me what I wanted to do wasn't possible. But when there is a will, there is a way. I knew I needed to find a piece of hardware that could attach to furniture without damaging the wood with holes.
So before entering Home Depot, I went onto their website and looked at every tool possible. I then saw this heavy duty bar clamp, printed out a copy of it, and told the salesperson to take me to the aisle in the store where I could find the clamp in this picture. Mind you several people in the store told me this idea would never work!
As you look at this clamp, it is certainly functional, but NOT very attractive. So I had two jobs to perform.First I had to make it functional to hold a heavy mesh basket filled with stuffed animals, but second, I then had to make it attactive for a little girl's room! I don't know about you, but when I look at this clamp, attractive doesn't jump out at me!
When Abbie saw the finished product tonight, her reaction was "COOL!" I realize this decoration may not work for everyone, but Abbie has a spirit about her, which I had a feeling would appreciate this, and I was right!
Peter and I leave tomorrow morning for Bethany Beach. So the next time you hear from me, it will be from another State and much different surroundings. I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "As I looked at the picture of Mattie, I thought it was so emblematic of your relationship. He was clearly developing an independent streak and yet he was leaning on you and you had your hand protectively around him. And so it was all the time you cared for him; you could not have done a better job. As for the memories of Mattie; well, he is a part of so many of us now, there are all sorts of things that bring him immediately to mind. Part of immortality is being remembered and I don't think he will be forgotten by any of us who know you and/or Peter or who were touched by his fight or the blog in some way. I can't wait to see the photos of what you are creating for Abbie's room; I've tried to picture what you might be hanging and how that might work but my imagination doesn't work that way. I am sure that Toni is very anxious right now and I will be saying prayers and sending positive thoughts that all turns out well for Brandon. I hold you and Peter gently in my thoughts."
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