Tonight's picture was taken on April 4, 2005, Mattie's third birthday party! Mattie was in love with the TV show, Blue's Clues. So we had a Blue's Clues party. Mattie helped me with decorations, and we designed a game in which the children were given notebooks, just like on the show, and had to collect clues to figure out what Blue's (the TV dog) wanted to give Mattie for his birthday. I also found this wonderful college student that year, who came over to do magic tricks which included pulling out a live bunny (his pet named Hobbs) out of a hat. Not sure what the kids loved more, the magic tricks or the bunny! Mattie sat on the couch after the show and got to hold and pet Hobbs. That was one of the highlights of his day!
Poem of the day: In My Dream by Charlie Brown
I couldn't hear your voice
I didn't see your face
In my dream I knew it was you
And I kept you in my space.
In my dream I'd won
But in my life I lost.
I fought for you so hard
I would have paid any cost.
I'd give everything I have
To see you or hear your voice.
I know that can no longer be
For cancer took away that choice.
So I will seek you where I can
Perhaps find you in my dreams.
And in the stories of our friends
Immersed in memory's time stream.
Last night, when I finally got to sleep, I actually stayed asleep. This was a first in three weeks. I sure hope this is a trend, because the lack of sleep and non-stop migraine headaches are a very bad combination for me. I had the opportunity to say good-bye to Ellen and Charlotte this morning. We helped them load their luggage into the car and wished them a good time on their vacation. Peter and I are very grateful to Ellen and her family, because I have a feeling if she did not give us her house for the week, we most likely wouldn't have gone away. With the state Peter and I are in, it doesn't make sense to invest time, money, or energy into planning a break. I tried to approach today with a different mindset. Typically no matter where I am, I want to do as much as possible in any particular day. This would also translate down into vacation, where I would want to be active and tour around. But my energy is not what it used to be, like it was before Mattie's cancer. Cancer has taken a toll on me. Now as I watch people jog or bicycle ride, I can only feel an internal ache. An ache which says to me, I no longer have the energy to do this. I hope one day, this feeling will change.
Peter and I had breakfast outside on Ellen's porch. It is cooler today than it was when we were here in July, so being outside is very pleasant and doable for Peter. Trying to connect to the outside on this vacation is very important to me. I am taking every opportunity to listen to the waves crashing onto the shoreline, hearing the seagulls laughing overhead, as well as focusing in on the sounds of the cicadas and the crickets which are out in full glory now. All of these sounds are healing. Needless to say this is a very different vacation, than what I most likely would have done in the past. Peter and I attempted to go into two different towns today, but the weekend traffic was so horrible, and finding parking was virtually impossible that we gave up and came right about to the house. I spent a good portion of the afternoon on Ellen's hammock, outside, listening to the ocean.
It literally took us 45 minutes to commute from one neighboring town to another today, so while Peter was driving back, I fell asleep in the car. He was driving and also massaging my arm, and that put me right out. This cat nap in the car greatly helped my headache. I then proceeded to sit in the hammock and I had Katharina's lavendar blanket wrapped around me. This is the blanket she gave me for my birthday, and it is so soft, it almost begs one to sleep.
Peter went out today and bought fresh red snapper, and tonight we grilled it and I prepared many of the fresh vegetables we bought at the farm stand on Thursday. It was a delightful dinner outside, as we listened to the sound of the surf and the birds singing. After dinner, Peter and I went for a walk. We walked on the beach for a while, and then just sat on the sand. There was a wonderful waxing moon out tonight, and in addition to this sight, I had the fun of watching several piping plovers on the beach. I included a picture of a plover tonight, because they are one of my favorite beach birds. They are adorable and entertaining all at the same time. Though they are tiny birds, they can move quite quickly with their little legs. For at least a half an hour, we sat in the sand, and watched these birds run along the shore line, catching crabs to eat, and yet in the process they never got wet. When the waves would start to crash toward the shore, they would literally run as fast as their little legs would take them to avoid getting even a drop of water on themselves. These birds literally follow the waves. As the water recedes out to sea, they run into it, and as a wave comes crashing to shore, they ran toward us on the beach. Peter and I used to watch piping plovers in Duck, NC, and I absolutely loved that sight then, and seeing these birds tonight reminded me of our days before we knew what cancer and death were really about.You may notice that I am fortunate enough to begin tonight's posting with a poem as well as end it with one. I am very grateful that Charlie and Nancy share their creative talents with me, as they so eloquently capture what I say and transform it into poetry. I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Thank you for the picture of Mattie; what a beautiful smile he had. He certainly had a wonderful, playful imagination and the ability to use familiar items in new ways. It's clear this is another thing he inherited from you; it reminds me of your ability to design and use items in a different way like Abbie's stuffed animal habitat. I'm glad you and Peter had a good time shopping; it sounds as if you both enjoyed yourselves and were able to see the humor in the frenzy of all that was going on around you. Congratulations to Charlotte for her performance in the play. Public speaking is a great skill to have and it is wonderful that she is developing this composure early on. I know it is hard for both Ann and Mary to have to acknowledge the shrinking of their family, clearly they've adopted you and Peter (and the reverse as well); real friends are the family that we were not born into. As I practice today I will send you my wishes for a relaxing weekend with Peter and friends. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "As I read yesterday's blog, I was not surprised to learn of your poor sleep again. It is hard to rest when the mind is filled with disturbing thoughts. I am glad Charlie brought up the idea of feeling guilty and having pleasure while you are grieving. Peter and you have nothing to feel guilty about. You gave and gave and no one can explain why Mattie had to die. This is a paradox of life. Death is a finality, a comfort to those that were suffering and it is suffering for those left behind. Mattie lived life fully even when he was in pain. He wouldn't want you to remember only the pain, he'd want you to see the joys left for Peter and you. You can make room for some joy in your life. It is not a betrayal, it is a lesson that life does go on. Mattie does live on in all who knew him. You let us see that each and every day that you have shared photos and stories. Thank you for your courage and caring. Be gentle with yourself. With love always and in all ways."
YOUR SMILE by Nancy Heller Moskowitz
Each picture that shows a smile,
Carries me from mile to mile.
I've got to learn to treasure these days,
For you have had to go away.
Never far from my thoughts are fears,
That each day will flow with tears.
I know that it's not the only way,
To remember you each and every day.
So I carry your smile inside my chest,
Like a warm and comfy living vest.
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