Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2006. Mattie loved this collapsible tunnel that he was sitting in, and that day he was attempting to create some sort of tunnel system on the staircase. He wasn't very successful on that front, but he had a fun time trying! I snapped a picture of him in action! You will notice in this picture the line of shoes trailing up the staircase. This was where Mattie liked keeping his shoes. Over time, I just got used to keeping them there, and it was only very recently when the Washington Post photographer was coming to our home, that I finally took all the shoes off the staircase. I miss seeing those little shoes pointing my way up the stairs, and I naturally miss that beaming face wrapped up inside the orange tunnel.
Poem of the day: Another loss by Charlie Brown
I miss you my son
In so many ways
I miss who you were
How I wish you'd stayed
I see your friends
Growing up without you
Taking on new challenges
I know you'd have too
That's another loss
A hard one for me
The man you'd have become
That's what I wanted to see
Now forever in my heart
You'll be a small boy
I so much wanted
Every mother's hope and joy
To see her child change
And to watch him grow
To share his special moments
To see that smile glow
That future was gone
When I lost you
I can only look backwards
That much is true
Seeing your friends now
That makes me sad
Knowing the future
You could have had
This is a big loss
It's really hard can't you see?
I'm doing my best
So be patient with me.
Today was an overcast day by the beach, and it looked like it wanted to rain most of the day. Peter began his morning by walking on the beach, and I think he enjoyed being able to do this. Peter has always been a morning person, and I am a night person, which worked out well especially when Mattie came on the scene. It also worked well for us in the Hospital, because I could easily stay up until 2 or 3am with Mattie. I find it particularly interesting how I am going through another stretch of having trouble with sleeping. I wake up each morning at 3am. Like clock work. Nothing wakes me up, I just notice my eyes pop open. Some nights it is easier to go back to sleep, but nights that I have things on my mind, returning to sleep is almost impossible. I feel this pattern has been going on for three weeks now, so by day, I am very fatigued.
Despite having trouble sleeping last night, I do recall a dream. In the dream I was pushing a baby stroller. In the stroller was Mattie (as a baby). I couldn't see his face per se, but I was talking to him and could feel that it was Mattie. I distinctly remember in my dream, that there was a person who was trying to steal the stroller with Mattie in it away from me. I remember struggling with this person, and unlike my reality, in the dream I won. I reclaimed back the stroller and Mattie was safe. I have no idea what all this means, but I see even in my dreams I am struggling with the fact that Mattie was taken from me. Through cancer, I lost control, and in my dreams, through fighting, I seem to regain control and Mattie. I even vividly remember the stroller I was pushing and what it looked like. I remember it, because it was Mattie's stroller.
Peter and I went to the outlets today, which are quite extensive in Rehoboth, MD. We chose to do this because of the weather and because later in the afternoon, we were going to attend Charlotte's play (which was being performed close to where the outlets are). Last night, as I was sitting with Ellen and Charlotte at their dining room table, Charlotte invited Peter and I to her performance today. Charlotte was the star of the play, an Aesop Fable, entitled Androcles and the Lion. I watched Charlotte rehearse her lines last night, and it was lovely to be able to watch her perform her role. She spoke clearly, you could hear her, and she seemed really to get into her part. Her character, Androcles, basically befriends a lion, helps take a thorn out of his paw, and through friendship and gratitude they learn a lot about life and each other. It was a charming play, which was followed by two other small plays, Jack and the Beanstalk and Puss and Boots. There was a little boy, whose real name happened to be Matthew, who performed in Puss and Boots. There was something about him that reminded me of Mattie. Maybe it was his tall and slender figure, or his impish expressions. Whichever it was, seeing this boy made me smile. I see Charlotte and Abigail in all sorts of camps this summer, and I honestly do not know what Mattie would have gravitated to as he got older. I have some ideas, but I just don't know. I can only soak in these environments through his friends.
Peter and I had a very successful time shopping. Peter rarely gets things for himself, I think this was a trend that started when Mattie was born. Our focus became Mattie. However, when I heard that Peter wanted to look for some things today, I honed in on that, and made sure that he took care of himself. In the midst of shopping, I took Peter into a handbag outlet. He couldn't get over the frenzy within the store. Women were everywhere, some pushing each other, and others modeling handbags for each other. He got a chuckle out of this, and while I was in the store, Ann and I started to text message each other back and forth about the purses in the store. Peter even took some pictures of purses so that I could convey to Ann what I was seeing. The salespeople were getting a kick out of us, in fact, some of them actually wanted to hear Ann's opinion that I was receiving through my Blackberry. I told Ann it was as if she was virtually shopping with me in this store. The beauty of having a Blackberry!
This evening we went out to dinner with Ellen and Charlotte. They introduced us to a wonderful restaurant where the tomatoes were absolutely beautiful in color and in taste. I even learned a new acronym tonight, EVOO. I use EVOO all the time when I cook, but frankly did not know it stood for Extra Virgin Olive Oil. I told Ellen, I felt in the know tonight! Ellen and Charlotte leave for their trip tomorrow morning, and it has been fun hearing about their upcoming adventures to Arizona, Utah, and Nevada.
Meanwhile, this weekend Ann is driving back to Boston to visit family. Some of my readers may recall that Ann's tradition with her parents in the past would be to let them know when she crossed through each State line on her car trip. Unfortunately Ann's dad passed away in October of 2009, and Ann's mom goes to bed at an earlier hour, so Ann can no longer keep this tradition alive with them. I am sure this saddens Ann because in just two short years her immediate family has decreased in size. When Ann drove to Boston a few months ago, she landed up letting me know when she made it through MD, DE, NJ, NY, CT, and MA. I naturally was touched by this gesture, because I felt like she was sharing a family tradition with me, which indirectly told me how she felt about me. Today, the tradition continues. I have heard from Ann through MD, DE, NJ, NY, and CT. I am awaiting the MA email update.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my mom. As some of you know, my parents are on an European cruise. My mom wrote, "Tonight as I was standing on my deck saying goodbye to Stockholm, a beautiful city, I was feeling chilly but within a few minutes I saw the sun up in the sky with its brilliant rays pointing right at me. What does that tell you? I felt its comfort right away and it warmed me up from head to toe. I didn't need a sweater as I was immersed in its warm embrace. Despite the winds that began to build up, I remained in my comfort zone. It made me think that communication with Mattie is still possible but perhaps on an existential plane that has a frequency that must be carefully calibrated in order to be appreciated."
The second message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "What an appropriate picture as I woke to rain this morning. And what an interesting story you told about the umbrella for both you and Mattie. I agree that the comment was not well thought out; you were looking forward to trying out your new umbrella but if her wish had happened you would never have needed it. I don't think she truly meant that; I suspect it might even have been one of her "catchphrases" but in any case, none of us has a life of only sunny days; it is the rain in our lives as much as the sun that helps us to grow into the people we are meant to be. It is the rainy days that make the sunny ones more precious. I suspect that part of the reason why you have such a hard time right now with vacations and things which bring you joy is that you feel guilt at doing pleasant things while you are grieving Mattie. If sadness would bring him back, I would tell you to wallow in your grief, so he could return. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Grief is an emotion filled with regrets, those things you did or did not do. Even though it is tough you have to go on living and doing or at the end you have far more to regret and grieve than you ever thought possible. Even though it's hard work, go away on vacation, connect with Peter and strengthen your relationship; communicate with friends and family or these "undone" things will become tomorrow's regrets. Today as I practice I send you my strength and resolution to work through all the difficult things because without them growth is not possible. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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