Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. The ironic part about this picture is that I looked sicker in it than Mattie did. What fascinates me about this picture however, was despite Mattie's terminal status, he was still playful. He took his plastic claw, and just loved to capture me in some way either by grabbing my hands or clothes. You will notice in the backdrop of the picture, there was a photograph taped to the wall. This photo was sent to Linda, Mattie's childlife specialist, from the gang at the Lego store. The Lego folks snapped a picture of Mattie with the Lego Brick Masters at the store, and when they found out he was readmitted to the Hospital right after the Lego event, they e-mailed the picture to Linda. Mattie loved it, and up it went in his room. In fact, each Hospital visit always entailed redecorating and displaying Mattie's art work, as well as art work from his friends and classmates who were thinking of him.
Poem of the day: Anniversaries by Charlie Brown
Anniversaries should be happy
But right now all of ours are sad
Reminders of unhappy news
No wonder we feel bad
We've made it to this point
Eleven months since you left
Whether this was 1 or ten
I suspect I would still be bereft
I still feel your pain and anguish
Whenever I close my eyes
I don't think I will ever understand
Why you had to die
Going on without you
Just seems so unfair
Life in our house is different
The emptiness hard to bear
Friends say have faith
We will see each other some day
But right now that time
Seems just too far away.
I finally ventured out of the house today. On my way to my car this morning, I bumped into Maria. Maria is one of the women who runs our leasing office in our complex. We have known Maria for 15 years, and she watched Mattie grow up in our complex, and naturally over the years she has become a friend to us. She is a daily blog follower as well, so when she saw me headed to my car, she came to find out how I was feeling. Which was very special. We chatted about my garden, which others can easily see from their windows. Peter and I are growing so much basil this year, that I am welcoming neighbors to come and snip some, root it, and grow it in their gardens. Gardening has become very therapeutic for Peter and I, and I suppose when you have experienced death, it is important to reinvest in life in some way. Cultivating green things is the perfect symbol of life. Maria and I then chatted about where I was going for the day. I told her I was headed to Ann's house to help her reorganize her daughter's room. Astutely Maria asked if I was okay with this. As I told Maria, I am fine with this project. I am not sure why, but most likely because over this year I have gotten to know Ann's children fairly well, we do lots of things together, so in a way this activity seems more natural than unnatural.
I naturally decorated Mattie's room when he was a baby and over time it morphed into different things as he grew into a toddler and a little boy. But we never had the chance to really change his room together. He just never lived long enough for us to take on such a project. I never thought such a reality would be possible, and certainly when I picked out his crib, his blanket, and all his things, I did not realize how finite our time would be together. In fact, I still get stymied over that notion! I am in no way equating what I am doing with Abigail to what I would have done with Mattie, other than the simple fact that it is nice of Ann and Abbie to include me in this project, and in its own right this is a project about creating and transforming (the underlying theme in my life at the moment).
I had the wonderful opportunity to chat back and forth by text messaging today with Brandon's mom, Toni. As many of you know, Brandon was Mattie's big buddy in the Hospital. Brandon is approaching his second year anniversary of being No Evidence of Disease, and he is headed to the Hospital tomorrow for his 6 month check up. I can only imagine the level of stress in Toni's mind as these check up days approach. As I told her today, neither she or I will ever be normal again. I no longer live with these scan days on my calendar, but I remember the pain all too well, and though I won't be with Toni and Brandon tomorrow, my mind and heart sit with them in the Lombardi Clinic.
I went out to lunch today with Ann and Alison. Many of my faithful readers know Alison was our Team Mattie Communications Coordinator. Alison's son, Paul, and Mattie were in the same kindergarten class together. It was nice to chat over lunch, exchange stories, and feelings. Alison and I do not see each other as often as we once did, but she is a very sensitive individual and does understand when things could be bothering me or weighing on my mind.
After lunch, I had the opportunity to pick up Ann's girls from camp, along with one of their friends. We all had a fun time chatting in the car, talked about books, their camp, and their weekend adventures. When I got to Ann's house, her phone rang, and it was Tanja. It has become funny now, that many of Ann's friends and neighbors have become a part of my world. Ironic since I live at least 20 miles away from where Ann lives. Tanja and I chatted about a project she is working on, and while we were chatting, I could hear my 10 year old buddy, Katharina (Tanja's daughter), come on the line and started to chat with me. Katharina has wanted to give me something for my birthday for over a week now. She has given me lots of hints, but I just can't seem to guess exactly what the item is. I will be seeing her on Wednesday and the surprise will be revealed. The hint is it is fuzzy and purple!
Later in the afternoon, I spent some time in Ann's garden which despite the incredible heat is really thriving and looking beautiful! While outside, I occasionally would pop back inside to see how her son, Michael was doing. Michael showed me his chocolate bar that he made at Hershey Park this weekend, and even wanted me to try some of the chocolate he likes. After I tasted it, he wanted to know my reaction! Nothing like bonding over chocolate!
When I got home tonight, Peter and I had dinner outside. His comment to me was basically, "only for you" would he sit outside in the heat. Understand that it is super humid and over 100 degrees today in DC. I nonetheless absolutely love it! When it is warm, it brings me outside, I can see greenery, and I can see people. When it is cold, it is much easier for me to retreat.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Thank you for the picture of Mattie and the reminder of just how strong and determined your son was. He got those strengths from you and Peter and will be those characteristics that will get you through this period when it all seems just too much to bear. I hear the same concerns about illness from others who are grieving; some say there is a general feeling of unwell most of the time and that an actual illness is almost a relief. Others feel like they will never have the same sense of wellness that they had before the mourning period began. Most people seem to feel physically more "able" at about the two year point and while hearing this could go on another year, it also means that there is usually an end to it. I loved hearing about Debbie's dream and you are probably wondering why others dream of Mattie and you don't. A friend of mine who is a Rabbi told me that if new mourners dreamed of their loved ones, they would have no reason to get out of bed so G-d in his wisdom sends the messages to others. This way the mourner knows that the spirit is there communicating but you have to connect to others to hear it. Once someone commits to living again, dreams often come directly to them. So today as I practice I will send you my strength to help you keep walking until you turn that corner and know that you are ready to both dream and live. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "I LOVED MATTIE'S PICTURE FROM LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!! It showed pure joy and freedom, although, he wasn't free in body, he was in spirit. No one and nothing can take that away from him and you. I wasn't surprised to read that you slept better with his blanket. You had the perfect access to Mattie this way. Be gentle with yourself regarding a message from Mattie within your dreams. Mattie comes to you in conscious life as that is where you need to hold him. What a lovely share from Debbie. Your grief is so fresh that this channel may be closed to remembered dreams, yet, I believe it will happen. I enjoyed Charlie's poem too. Another image of Mattie is added now, Mattie Moon and Captain Mattie. I just had an image of Mighty Mouse, an old cartoon. His message was: Here he comes to save the day! Your Mighty Mattie did save many days in many ways. Glad that you could get in the garden for a little while yesterday. Although, I'm not much for digging in the soil, I do believe it a great way to anchor oneself especially when feeling disconnected from the earth and daily activities."
No comments:
Post a Comment