Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2005. Mattie was almost three years old. We took him to a Bunnyland event at a local Maryland farm called Butler's Orchard. Mattie had a great time collecting Easter eggs and riding on tractors. Some of my readers are familiar with the photograph posted on this blog of Mattie holding a pumpkin. This was one of my favorite photos I ever took of Mattie, and it was taken on the same farm as tonight's picture!
Poem of the day: Redecorating by Charlie Brown
I can help you change your space
But in my own all must remain in place
For you are still growing, living there,
While my son is no longer living here.
Your space should showcase who you are
And in it you should be the star
But it's about who he was in our place
And so I'm in no hurry to redecorate
Maybe when the memories are safely inside
I can let those physical things abide
Inside a closet or out of sight
But as yet, that doesn't seem right
So here they'll stay reminding me of you
As if I really needed them to
And one day when I hurt less they'll go away
And I won't walk past them everyday.
It is yet another Tuesday! How on earth can that be? Today marks the 47th week Mattie has been gone from our lives. Yesterday, I had the opportunity to chat back and forth by e-mail with a parent of one of Mattie's kindergarten friends. In the e-mail this mom told me how she will never look at school registration day the same way anymore. Last year, Mattie's school had its orientation and registration day on September 8, 2009, the day Mattie died. I can only imagine how that news hit the members of the school community who are our friends and loyal supporters. I was actually very touched to receive this lovely e-mail. On one hand I am saddened that for so many close to us, the beginning of school may have negative connotations, however, on the other hand, I know that when others are reflecting upon this day, in essence Mattie's memory is captured and remembered. Which for parents who are grieving, this is a vital gift to hear about.
As I am helping Ann reorganize Abbie's bedroom this week, I decided to venture to Home Depot, because we had a couple of projects to take on such as hanging mirrors and baskets in the room. Before I even entered the store, I had some thoughts in mind about the products I needed to buy. However, for the fun of it, I walked into the store to see if someone could help me brainstorm the best way to hang something from a piece a furniture, without damaging the wood with nails and screws. Well I went through four sales people and each one told me what I was asking to create was impossible. These kind of challenges I absolutely love, because nothing like this is impossible, if you think through a creative solution. I told them what I wanted to use, and they all laughed at me. Needless to say, I bought the hardware I envisioned, painted it today, and will see if I can get it to work in Abbie's room. If I get it to work, I will take a picture of it, so you can understand what gave me my jollies today. I have to celebrate the small things some days.
I had lunch with Ann today, which is not atypical for us. I am very fortunate to have a friend who is willing to integrate me into her life and the life of her family. In a time where I do feel lost, having her steadfast support means a lot to me. However, because Ann has seen the good, the bad, and the ugly with me, our conversations can be complicated. But that was what was different about today. Today, at lunch we talked about issues that are more "normal," or what I perceive as normal issues we all face in life. For that moment in time, I forgot temporarily that today was Tuesday and the usual heaviness that this day provides. Instead during that time, I felt like Vicki, the person. A person I no longer see or feel I am anymore. Certainly Ann and I talk about all sorts of things on a given day, but as I reflect back on today, this lunch stands out to me. The difference was within me, but like so many emotions I experience, this feeling is fleeting.
When I got home tonight, I returned a phone call to Brandon's mom, Toni. Brandon was Mattie's big buddy at the Hospital. I know my blog readers have followed Brandon's treatment over these last two years. Brandon was an integral part of Mattie's treatment life, and therefore while reporting on Mattie you also heard a lot about Brandon. Brandon was diagnosed with Lymphoma in August of 2008. Brandon went through 6 months of intense treatments and has been with No Evidence of Disease for almost a year and a half. However, Brandon returned for a check up today and some things need follow up for clarification and answers. Brandon is scheduled to go back to the hospital next Tuesday for further testing. To all my Mattie supporters out there, please keep Brandon in your thoughts and prayers. The waiting and wondering for over a week is down right painful for a family, and I know your positive energy is needed right now.
I have been e-mailing back and forth my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy asked me an interesting question yesterday. As some of you may recall, my commitment was to write the blog each night for a year after Mattie's death. That would mean that in less than a month, I could stop writing the blog. But can I? Nancy wanted to know how I felt about this? Her question has been swirling around in my mind, and I frankly do not know the response yet. Honestly!
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from Mattie's oncologist and our friend, Kristen. Kristen wrote, "Another Tuesday is nearly gone. Just a note to let you know I'm thinking of you...this Tuesday and every day."
The second message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I love that picture of Mattie and I don't think it is one I've seen before. To me it is symbolic of your relationship with him; he was so connected to you that even while next to you, the need for physical connection was very strong. It speaks volumes for your love for each other. You remained his "touchstone" to the end and his faith in you was not misplaced. I can appreciate your love of gardening and growing things; having spent my childhood in NYC, I appreciate having the space to grow flowers, vegetables and herbs and watch the butterflies, birds and others enjoy the gardens as much as I do. It really is a wonderful, calming connection to all living things. I am glad you continue to have connection to Tanja, Alison, Toni and others who were originally part of your life through Mattie; I think their presence helps enrich and connect you to both who you were and who you want to be. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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