Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2003, Mattie was about a year and a half old. This was Mattie's second flight out to California to visit my parents. Unlike me, Mattie loved to fly and was a good traveler. In fact, as he got older, he was usually holding my hand on planes to comfort me rather than the other way around. Peter captured one of our many active moment abroad the plane that day. Mattie NEVER slept in transit, but made many friends in the process. On this particular flight I recall the flight attendant going to the first class cabin and she brought back a huge cookie and fresh strawberries for Mattie. In typical Mattie fashion, he handed me the cookie to eat. Mattie wasn't a sweets person but he knew early on that I was. So I must admit I benefited from many of the wonderful treats given to him over the years.
Quote of the day: Love like ours can never die! ~ Rudyard Kipling
I came across this quote tonight in the book of quotes my friend and colleague, Denise, gave me. This quote is simple, straight forward, and captures the sentiments I feel about my love for Mattie. Time is a funny thing. On one hand it is supposed to be "healing," yet I have found that it does quite the opposite of healing. Instead, time plays tricks on your brain, and in the process it can make me very upset. When you do not see the face and hear the voice of someone you love on a regular basis, you do begin to forget the specifics. This happens even when the person you lost is your child. It is a terrible, terrible fact and feeling to admit to and when I find that I have trouble remembering, I feel very guilty and sad. In fact, to say time is healing would mean on some level that it is okay for me to forget the specifics. To me, nothing is OKAY about forgetting and not remembering clearly. Despite having lapses in memories at times, one thing I will always know and remember is the love Mattie and I shared. It is a feeling I will never forget and always cherish, but perhaps that is what being a mom or a parent is all about. It is not about the specifics, it is about the feeling that is generated from the bond. Feelings are ever present and somehow create lasting memories.
I had a terrible night of sleep and I think I finally fell asleep at 4:30am. My head was pounding, my stomach was bothering me, and I had a lot weighing on my mind. So today, I have been functioning, but on such little sleep, I feel absolutely awful. Peter and I had brunch today with Robbie. Robbie was one of Mattie's favorite childlife volunteers. Robbie understood Mattie and had a solid rapport with him. We met Robbie through Mattie's big buddy, Brandon. Robbie is a professional events planner and manager and he was gracious enough to meet with us today to brainstorm our upcoming Foundation Walk on May 22, 2011. Robbie knew Mattie which is key and also understands our mission and goals. Robbie also attended both the walk in 2009 and 2010, so he is aware of what we have achieved already and is motivated to help us with the planning for this year. Ideas were flying back and forth at brunch and I found the whole dialogue very stimulating and engaging. Robbie is a delightful person to talk with and I can see why Mattie gravitated to him.
After lunch, Peter and I headed to Bethesda, MD to see the play, A Wrinkle in Time. On the way to the theatre, we drove up Connecticut Avenue. I guess I haven't done that in a while, but the drive sent me back in time. For two years, Mattie worked with his occupational therapist, Kathie. Kathie's office is on Connecticut Avenue. As Peter was driving, I was reliving the commute each week to see Kathie. I pointed out all the oak trees near Kathie's office that Mattie would stop at to collect acorns. Mattie was particular, he only collected acorns with intact caps. Needless to say, each time he visited Kathie, he always gave her a gift of an acorn. He never visited empty handed! Kathie told me once that Mattie was unique in that fashion, because most of her other clients did not think about giving her anything. I also pointed out to Peter the Starbucks near Kathie's office. Mattie was like clock work. After each therapy session, he wanted a muffin and milk. I could have brought these items with me, but he liked the whole experience of sitting in Starbucks with me. We would typically sit and since I always carried paper and pens with me, I kept Mattie busy! He loved my homemade mazes on paper and several of which I would create on the spot and he would figure them out while eating away. I wasn't expecting my reaction along Connecticut Avenue today, but it is the unexpected and little things that can trigger so much.
The play itself was written by Madeleine L'Engle in the 1960s, during the height of the Cold War. In her play, the children travel through time to a planet called, Camazotz. They travel in time to rescue their father, a scientist, who is being held hostage by the planet's leader, IT! Camazotz is L'Engle's version of a totalitarian, communistic society where there is no tolerance for individualism and differences. The essence of the story is that each of the children learn that their uniqueness is what makes them special and living in a world where you can't think for yourself or express your feelings is not only unhealthy, but it isn't human. In the end, the family is reunited together but only after discovering the greatest power that exists within each of us, love. It was a touching family story and moral message for the holiday season.
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