I purposefully picked tonight's picture because it shows Mattie surrounded by his friends. They were his closest friends, and yet they were of vastly different ages. The picture was taken during the Mattie March, which was in April of 2009. Behind Mattie you can see his big buddy, Brandon, pushing Mattie's wheelchair, and along side Brandon was Robbie. One of Mattie's favorite hospital volunteers. Despite Mattie and Brandon's age difference, they related to each other and understood each other. When Mattie was going through cancer treatment, he literally wanted to shut the world out, and really preferred to isolate himself from his friends. However, he usually let Brandon in. At times I wonder how the loss of this connection impacts Brandon. But as Toni (Brandon's mom) tells me, Brandon feels close to Mattie, when he is in my presence. Walking along side the wheelchair in this picture was Zachary. Mattie and Zachary met each other in preschool, and for some reason, even cancer could not sever this relationship. I saw Brandon and Robbie tonight, and somehow this picture seems very fitting in capturing the memories I have of these two young men.
Quote of the day: When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart and you shall see in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~ Kahil Gibran
Tonight's quote seems quite appropriate as it reflects how I am feeling. Peter and I were invited to attend the Fifth Annual Georgetown University Hospital Jingle. The Jingle is a major fundraiser for the pediatric oncology program at the Hospital. It is an event that features wonderful foods, a silent auction (with incredible items including trips abroad, jewelry, handmade items, etc.), live music, an activity room for the children, and so much more. One category of items in the silent auction is designer Christmas trees. When I entered the hotel, I saw the tree entitled "Secret Snow Village," which I am standing beside in this picture. It turns out that this tree was designed by Shazalynn Cavin-Winfrey. Shazalynn is a mom at Mattie's school and in fact, her son and Mattie were in the same Kindergarten class together. During the evening, Peter and I got to chat with Shazalynn, and she shared tears with us over Mattie's death. Shazalynn is on the executive committee of the Jingle, and we learned more about the year round activities of this group.
At the event, we saw Dr. Aziza Shad (the beneficiary of tonight's event, and the director of the pediatric oncology program at the hospital), Debbi (our sedation nurse angel), Anita (one of Mattie's HEM/ONC nurses), Linda (Mattie's childlife specialist), Katie (one of Mattie's favorite HEM/ONC nurses, who he affectionately called "Dorothy" for her shiny red shoes), Sharon (Mattie's chaplain at the Hospital), Mary (one of the social workers), and Tracy (the head of the art therapy program at the Hospital).
Last night, I text messaged Dr. Shad and reminded her that today is the 14th anniversary of Worldwide Candle Lighting Day (in which candles are lit at 7pm in memory of children who have died). Clearly the Jingle is about life, survivorship, and the celebration of a successful pediatric oncology practice. Acknowledging children who have died doesn't seem to fit in nicely at this event. But at 7pm tonight, Aziza was on stage, and told the audience of hundreds about the significance of the day and 7pm. She told the audience that the goal is to save every child's life, but there are some children who do not make it. She invited Peter and I on stage to light a huge candle and asked the audience for a moment of silence. After the moment of silence Aziza asked me to address the audience. Before I spoke, a little boy came up to me and handed me a huge bouquet of flowers. He was a pediatric cancer survivor and his gift was very touching. I had no idea I was going to have a chance to say something tonight, so I had to wing it! Lord knows what came out of my mouth but I know I was speaking.
The Jingle was a well thought out and executed event, however as a parent of a child who died from cancer, it at times can be overwhelming. It is hard to see the other children running around, smiling, and dancing. In a way, I at times feel like I am part of a different community. Yes we all went through cancer, but there is a difference between survivorship and those children who lost their lives. Therefore as tonight's quote so aptly states, I weep for what brought me great delight, Mattie. Being around pediatric survivors makes me feel uneasy and also highlights my differences and feelings. I do not like to acknowledge this feeling within myself, but it a real and very unsettling.
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