Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008. Three months before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. As you can see from this picture, Mattie woke up that morning, and wanted to stay in his pajamas. He received this red and white remote controlled car for his birthday, and in true Mattie fashion he wanted to take the car apart and examine it. So out of tinker toys he built a car lift. What you need to understand is that at a very young age, before one, Mattie could hold a screwdriver and actually use it. At one year, he was taking apart ALL of his toy cars, and the scary part was he could actually reassemble them. When I first saw him do this, I realized this was very unusual developmentally. But it spoke to how Mattie's mind worked. He had a very mechanical brain, and we always joked that he was going to be "my engineer." This sight before you was just too funny to me, and that morning I grabbed my camera and captured the essence of Mattie. As today begins the 66th week that Mattie is gone from our lives, I wanted to share a part of Mattie's character with you that you may not have been aware of.
Quote of the day: When you grow old or ill, the most important things to you will be who and what you've loved. ~ June Martin
I wholeheartedly believe in the sentiment expressed in this quote. At the end of the day, what matters is who you cared for and loved. Not what you have accomplished, not what job or jobs you had, and certainly not the earthly possessions you have accumulated. Certainly these things may help you feel good, they may even make you feel important. But when you are facing illness or life and death issues, NONE of these things matter. Your perspective changes, and though I am not "old" per se, Mattie's death has provided me with deep insights. Insights I never expected to gain until later in life. Which brings me to a conversation I was having through e-mail today with my friend and colleague, Nancy.
The premise of our conversation focused upon motivation. What motivates one person to care for another person? What motivates one person to be friends with another person? Better yet, do we extend ourselves to others, because we expect the same treatment in return? Well certainly it is healthier to have two way conversations and two way relationships, but based on the circumstance or the dynamics, this isn't always possible. So then what? I know in my counseling field of specialty, which was working with family caregivers of older impaired adults, two way communications and actions cease to exist. The impaired older adult may be physically and/or cognitively impaired, making such feedback impossible for the caregiver. That may seem like a poor example, because standing back from the situation, I am sure it is easy to rationalize that if your impaired mom or dad needs help, you give it to him or her, and may not necessarily seek compassion or kindness in return. In theory such altruism exists. Yet, as human beings we all need love, kind words, thoughtfulness, and understanding in return. When we do not get it from those closest to us, it is painful and we can easily begin to resent our connections and our friendships. As always, my conversations with Nancy are stimulating and they give me perspective.
I spent a good part of the day helping Ann with wrapping gifts. Ann seems to appreciate my level or creativity and based on all that I know she balances, if I can help her, I try to. However, tonight I stepped back from the process and couldn't understand why I was feeling sad and agitated. It came down to this, no matter how many gifts I wrap, no matter how many Christmas decorations I can surround myself with, to me it just isn't Christmas. Christmas is naturally a very spiritual time of year for Christians, in which we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. The only son of Mary, who was destined to die in order to grant us eternal peace and salvation. I can understand and still appreciate the spiritual side of Christmas. However, what I can no longer appreciate is the feeling that Christmas once provided for me. There is NO joy, there is NO happiness, there is NO warmth, nurturing, and love for our threesome. Because there is NO threesome left, only two. So as I was helping Ann, I realized just how different and unhappy my life is, and may continue to be for some time. When I got home and told Peter how I was feeling, he wasn't shocked at all by what I was telling him. Mainly because he feels the same way. In fact, Peter and Ann kept telling me today that it was freezing outside (they are both New Englanders, so when these folks tell you it is cold, it is COLD!), but to me, I was numb to the cold. I did not like it, but when the cold doesn't bother me, it speaks to me being overloaded with other emotions.
Today was also Ann's youngest daughter's birthday. As many of my readers know, Abbie (Ann's daughter) became a very good companion and friend to Mattie when he was battling cancer. As is typical of any 9 year old, she was so happy because it was her birthday today. In a way, Abbie is my benchmark, as she gets older, I am able to count how many birthdays Mattie has missed. I feel torn on these happy days, because naturally I am grateful that Abbie is well and can have another special birthday, but on the other hand, it makes me deeply sad to know Mattie will never have this moment, and neither will we. Even writing this tonight makes me feel uneasy, but my feelings are very genuine, honest, and very conflicted.
My faithful readers are familiar with the wonderful fundraising program Lauren started at her middle school in PA. She created the successful program called, Bows for Hope. Lauren developed this program as part of a course assignment, however, what makes her very special and unique is that she took an assignment and brought it to life. She energized her friends and her entire school community. They sold 100s of bows last year and the proceeds from these Bows were given to the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation. The bows are made out of duct tape, and as you can see from this picture, Lauren uses only the most interesting colors and patterns of duct tape. Her bunny, Abby (sitting behind her on the floor), is even in the mix. Lauren has continued the production of bows this year, and is still raising money for the Foundation. She is an incredible young lady in my perspective who is deeply passionate about helping families touched by pediatric cancer. Her awareness campaign at her school is simply awesome, and what I admire about her is that she is a teenager who cares about helping people and takes the initiative to make a difference.
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