Tonight's picture perplexes me. The date stamped on the picture was November 30, 2005. However, as I look at my face, I am sun burnt, and Mattie and I were both wearing light colors and short sleeves. Definitely NOT something we would be wearing in November. So I can honestly say I have no idea where this picture was taken or when. However, despite not knowing the specifics, what I do know was this was a typical Mattie move. Pulling me close, having our cheeks touching, and his arm around my neck. As you can also see, Mattie's curiosity got the best of him, and his eyes were fixed on something above our heads, rather than the camera. My first reaction to seeing this picture tonight was that Mattie was looking at a ceiling fan. But honestly, I simply do not recall or have an idea of what he was looking at, which is very unusual for me.
Quote of the day: Death is nothing at all - I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way you always used. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that is always was. Life means all that is ever meant. There is absolutely unbroken continuity..... Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you - for an interval - somewhere near, just around the corner. All is well. ~ Henry Scott Holland
I went out for brunch today with my friend, Tanja. Tanja's birthday was a few weeks ago, and I wanted to make sure we found time to get together before Christmas. A holiday that seems to be fast approaching. When balancing work, a family, and life in general, sometimes planning these quiet moments to connect takes planning, but from my experience, in the end making time for such connections is always an important thing.
Over a nice meal together, we had the opportunity to talk about many things. Education being one of the topics. I find it ironic, or sad, depending upon your perspective that the issues Tanja faces in her public school in Virginia, are quite similar to the issues my lifetime friend, Karen, who teaches in New York City, contends with. Teachers get blamed for just about everything these days, and as an outside observer, I have to wonder how two very distinct and separate school systems could have the exact same problems? Naturally these schools have different teachers. Perhaps there are commonalities among these teachers, but let's be honest the issues and problems faced in our public schools today go beyond the caliber and competency of the teachers. The problem is much larger, more systemic, and unless administrators and teachers are given authority and control back to run their schools, the issues are only going to get more pervasive and extensive.
During lunch Tanja talked about the premise by which some people live their lives, and this intrigued me. Many of us believe that by doing all the "right" things in life, working hard, and striving to achieve, that this will in essence produce the given or hoped for outcome. However, what if this doesn't happen? From my perspective, having raised a child who died from cancer, life doesn't always go according to plan. In fact, you can do all the "right" things, seek the best medical attention, be vigilant as a parent, sacrifice everything to ensure a positive outcome, and in the end you fail. In our case, failure meant death (a rather permanent failure)! The question is how do you live with life and yourself when everything you believed and held true no longer makes sense? Perhaps some of my readers haven't had such a life altering experience yet, and perhaps some of you have. My hunch is those who have experienced this earth shattering reality are nodding your heads as you read this. However, those who have been fortunate enough not to have such a shock to reality, are left most likely saying...... I get what Vicki is saying, but this won't happen to me.
The trouble is if doing the "right" thing, working hard, and making sacrifices to achieve a life goal, doesn't always work (I use Mattie as my example), then what motivates us or I should say ME (since I can't speak for anyone else) to continue to adopt this life strategy? A strategy that clearly failed Peter and I! It would be VERY easy as parents who lost a child to cancer (in a very tragic and painful manner) to give up. To say the hell with doing the "right" thing! Cancer and the death of a child can leave you bitter, angry, and indifferent, and it takes great fortitude to pick up the pieces and make sense out of life again. For me this is still a work in progress and I have NO answer about what strategy I plan to adopt to lead my life, because the strategy I mentioned before (with doing the "right" thing) implies that we have CONTROL over our lives and our destiny. I no longer believe this. Some of you may disagree, and again, I remind you that we all are looking at this issue with our own lens. I have a feeling though if you spend time in a PICU or a oncology unit, around children with life threatening illnesses, and see the pain on their faces, and within their families eyes, you may reconsider my thoughts on just who is in control of your life and destiny. It is very sobering, because no child or family deserves the reality of a cancer diagnosis. When cancer strikes, you learn immediately that your life, your treatment, and the future are OUT of your control!
Tanja also shared with me a memory from May of 2009. One particular weekend, Mattie and Ann's children spent the day at Tanja's house. On that day, Mattie sat on my lap, and we swung together on Tanja's tree swing. In fact, it turns out that neither Tanja nor I can look at that tree swing now without thinking of Mattie. Later in the afternoon on that day, Mattie wanted to play a hide and seek game with Katharina (Tanja's daughter) and Abigail (Ann's daughter). However, I was with Ann's son, and Mattie needed someone to carry him so he could move around like the other children. Tanja told me today that Mattie outright asked her if she knew how to pick him up and carry him around. Tanja did, but she instead asked Mattie to instruct her appropriately. Giving him some control was a great gift because he LOST control in his life as soon as he developed cancer and had numerous surgeries. Tanja carried him around her backyard and they finally stopped at a location near her parsley, because he seemed tired and was resting his head on her shoulder. She described that feeling of Mattie trusting her and his tenderness of putting his head on her shoulder. I could picture the connection as she was talking, most likely because I understood that connection and closeness very well. Mattie was a good judge of character and did not allow just anyone in to help him. There was a short list, but I have noticed of my friends who were able to connect to Mattie in this way, this connection has left a profound impression on them! However, here is the catch about all of this. Where Mattie tired out that day in Tanja's backyard, happens to be the same location that she spotted the most beautiful, huge, and colorful caterpillars she has ever seen this year. She has lived in her house for three years, and yet this is the FIRST summer she saw these creatures. Some how you have to wonder if Tanja was given a sign from Mattie, since Mattie appreciated and related to ALL bugs! I love hearing stories about Mattie and certainly appreciate the memories that are shared with me. Memories are gifts, and the ONLY things Peter and I have left. As this holiday season is upon us, many of you have your children to turn to and to celebrate with, all we have left are pictures and memories. Perhaps this helps you put into context why the holidays are extremely challenging for us.
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