Sunday, January 16, 2011

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2003. Mattie was almost two years old. Mattie was standing under a gazebo, despite the fact that it was freezing out! We had taken Mattie to walk along a nature trail at a local park, and Peter and Mattie were goofing around together in the gazebo. Mattie was looking at Peter as they were chasing after each other. I snapped a picture of that priceless face in action, playing with his daddy!

Quote of the day: There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief. ~ Aeschylus

As tonight's quote astutely points out, I think one of the most horrific parts of grief is remembering the joy, the happy times, and the way life used to be. Certainly Peter and I have a great deal of pain to reflect upon during Mattie's 15 month battle with osteosarcoma. Those moments will always haunt us, but the ones that do make me extremely sad, upset, and depressed are the simple thoughts that I will never see Mattie's smile again, I will never feel his hand holding mine again, nor will I ever hear him call my name, sing a song, hug me, draw me a picture, sit and have meals together, spend holidays together, and the list goes on. The pain exists even in the happy memories, or perhaps I should say especially in the happy memories. The longing of what you can NEVER have again! I would imagine people who grieve do not always verbalize this, because so many others around us believe that talking about the "happy times" is healthy and will make us feel better. But there are NO more happy times, the happy memories also get bogged down in the grief process, and I am so happy that one of the great ancient Greek playwright's, Aeschylus, had the guts to express this!

Sometimes it is the unexpected messages and gifts that make me pause and reflect upon certain acts of kindness. Today I received a lovely email message from Christine, my friend and Campbell's mom (one of Mattie's very close kindergarten friends). Christine basically wrote to me to find out how I was feeling. She had read on the blog that I was quite sick, and wanted me to know that she was thinking of me, and also let me know that if I was sick again, she expected me to contact her so she could help me. What do you say to such a kind message? Christine also asked me about the Foundation's upcoming walk, and I was very touched by her interest. I am very aware of why the walk was originally created back in May of 2009. It was to raise money for Mattie's treatment, who at the time was alive and struggling to fight osteosarcoma. In 2009, it was very evident why a walk was needed. But it may not be as clear now.  It is true that Mattie is no longer with us, and perhaps the interest in our Walk is not as prevalent or contagious within our community as it once was. However, though the physical presence of Mattie is not here, the memory of Mattie's struggle will always be a part of me, and therefore, my love for Mattie inspires me to do the Foundation's Walk each year. The Walk is about honoring Mattie's memory and raising awareness for pediatric cancer. It is vital to remember that unfortunately each and every day about four dozen children are diagnosed with cancer. Mattie may have brought this issue to the forefront in our community, but in Mattie's honor we attempt to make a difference in the lives of other children and families battling this disease. I know this is how I feel, but when I received Christine's email today with the same enthusiasm, it brought a smile to my face, because she showed me I am not alone in my desire or in my convictions. Which simply reminds me just how powerful a message from a friend can be, when going through a challenging time.

This afternoon, I got myself together and decided to go visit Mary, Ann's mom. My goal was to give Ann a night away from her daily routine. Mary and I chatted about many things and during our time together Mary typically tells me that I am performing a heavenly act. My typical response is, no, I am just being a friend. I have been couped up for two days now, that I felt as if I absolutely needed to get out of our home, and visiting Mary and helping her, at times takes my mind off of my own issues. As I was leaving the assisted living facility tonight, to my surprise a little girl was in the hallway and ran up to me. She couldn't have been more than two years old. This little one grabbed my hand and was trying to talk with me, she particularly wanted to show me the fish in the tank. We spent about 10 minutes together, until her father came to get her. Needless to say, the little girl did not want me to leave, but I told her that I would wave good-bye to her as I walked down each step on the staircase. That caught her attention, and she did wave. I told her that I visit the facility often and perhaps we would see each other again. In a way, the whole interchange caught me off guard, because it reminded me of how Mattie would reach for my hand, and guide me to whatever he wanted to see. Naturally when she took me to the fish tank, I couldn't help but remember all the times Mattie and I watched the fish at Georgetown University Hospital. Those fish were our lifesavers especially on the weekends, when Mattie was in a funk and did not want to leave his hospital room, much less see people. However, he was always motivated to go and feed and care for the fish. Funny how a simple gesture tonight, could bring back a flash of SO many memories.