Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. I am sure to the viewer, this picture looks like a toddler standing by a table holding a flashlight. But what you are unable to see is what followed. Mattie literally dissected this flashlight. He took every piece apart and then put it right back together. This was NOT unusual for Mattie. At a very young age he learned to use a screwdriver and other tools, to take things apart and then reassemble them. Not having any other children, I at first thought this was a typical skill. However, having an education in child development and observing other children Mattie's age, I realized this made Mattie rather unique. Mattie had the brain of an engineer. He just understood things spatially and creatively. My favorite dissections however involved his toy cars. He would have parts all over the place, and eventually he would find a way to get them all back together again.
Quote of the day: When we come into the present, we begin to feel the life around us again, but we also encounter whatever we have been avoiding. We must have the courage to face whatever is present / our pain, our desires, our grief, our loss, our secret hopes our love / everything that moves us most deeply. ~ Jack Kornfield
Karen and I picked up Peter at work today and headed to Georgetown University Hospital. We had a lunch meeting with Marianne. Marianne is the director of public affairs and media at the Hospital and has been instrumental to us as we try to learn ways to promote our Foundation's Walk on May 22, 2011. The ironic part today is we learned that Marianne was living in Schenectady, NY around the same time Peter and I were there attending college. It is indeed a small world and it is funny how we have traveled almost in parallel, and yet here again, it took Mattie to bring our worlds together. This is rather amazing if you think about it. It was a very helpful and productive lunch. However, being on campus and at the conference center, simply reminded us of Mattie. The whole parking garage brings us back to the time of treatment.
In so many ways, when I think about the torture we survived, it is hard to believe that was really us. In many ways our lives and world have become fragmented. I know I experienced cancer, but some days I have to block it out to manage. Returning to the scene of the crime in a way, always jogs one's mind, heart, and memories. I remember the exact location (outside near the parking lot) in which I learned Mattie's cancer was terminal. We drove passed that place today, and somehow I almost want to put a monument there to symbolize or memorialize the devastation that this particular spot on the pavement represents for me. Naturally that spot would only have significance to me, but then I contemplate how many other spots of devastation exist in total at the Hospital for me and so many other cancer families. Too many to count I am sure!
Later in the day, Karen and I went to visit Mary (Ann's mom) at her assisted living facility. Mary knew I was coming and she enjoyed meeting Karen. Mary values connections and has told me about several of her lifelong friendships. At the end of our visit, Mary told Karen that any friend of mine was a friend of hers.
Karen is aware of the fact that I visit Mary on a regular basis. However, until you really see what "visiting" entails, it is hard to fathom how difficult a job caregiving is. It takes great patience, understanding, and selflessness to sit for hours and chat and to help a person with their physical needs. Caregiving is NOT easy by any stretch of the imagination. I visit Mary because she is my friend and I care about her, and I also visit Mary because my goal is to try to give Ann some sort of break now and then. A break which is very needed because of the intense care that Ann provides her mom. None of this is earth shattering to me, because I watched my mom as a caregiver and dedicated my research to caregiving for older adults for many years.
It was very nice of Karen to tell Peter tonight, that if she ever lands up in an assisted living facility or nursing home, she wants me caring for her. Caring for others who can't care for themselves is something that I have always been passionate about and Mattie taught me the exact art of how to do this physically as well as mentally and emotionally.
This evening, Peter, Karen, and I went out to dinner at our local Chinese restaurant. It is equivalent to our Cheers, where everyone knows us. At the end of dinner, Peter and I opened up our fortune cookies, and we both had the exact same fortune. I truly feel this means something, especially since the fortune read: "You will have good luck and overcome many hardships."
Even while eating dinner, I think of Mattie. We sit at the same table when we visit this restaurant. It was "Mattie's" table. Sitting at the table reminds me of many dinners there with Mattie. Eating and building with Legos! Legos were ALWAYS the toy of choice whether well or with cancer. It is a strange feeling how I can feel Mattie's presence in a place, even though he is no longer physically with us. His memories are simply there.
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