Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. Mattie was hesitant to approach cows, pigs, goats, and llamas, yet he had no problem with chickens and roosters. As you can see, this poor rooster got a run for his money. Mattie wasn't trying to scare him, he just wanted to get a closer look. Needless to say these farm memories are quite vivid and capture Mattie's spirit and love for being outside.
Quote of the day: There is no grief like the grief that does not speak. ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
When I woke up this morning, I found that Peter was already up and had just come back from shopping. To my surprise he bought a little round cafe table and chairs for our kitchen. I have always wanted such a table for our kitchen, because I knew it would make our space more usable. I was excited to have this new addition, but what we had to do to get the table in the kitchen and set it up was less than pleasant. I had to go through everything stored under and on top of our old kitchen table first. This was a VERY challenging and upsetting task. Mainly because most of Mattie's art work and school work were surrounding this table. So I had to go through every piece, one by one, and save those things that were most precious. In the midst of going through these piles, I came across a picture frame I bought. It was a frame in which I planned on displaying a picture of Mattie for each year he was in elementary school. Needless to say, that frame was empty and it just reminded me of the future loss in our lives.
After this nightmare of a project, I needed a break and Peter and I ventured out for lunch. While I was getting dressed to go out, I decided to print out a solicitation letter I wrote to local businesses requesting gifts in kind for our Walk raffle. I am aware of my strengths and my weaknesses, and selling things is typically not my forte. But I figured I had to start somewhere. So when we arrived at the Cheesecake Factory for lunch today, I asked to speak to the manager. I handed him our letter and told him about Mattie and the Foundation, very briefly. To my surprise, he responded positively and will be sending a generous gift certificate in the mail to us. Somehow his demeanor has inspired me to continue my solicitation process.
Before heading home, we stopped by Goodwill and donated ten more bags filled with all sorts of things. It was important for us to do this, since I was going to be cleaning out another closet this afternoon and needed Peter's car to be empty to handle the next load of items. I spent about three and a half hours this evening going through a closet that I jointly shared with Mattie. I commented to Peter that I couldn't believe my clothes closet had gotten this out of hand, but when I stopped to reflect on why it made sense. My closet was in Mattie's room. Therefore, when he was well and was sleeping at night, there was no way I was going to go into his room to organize a closet. So in essence the disrepair of this closet is the result of many, many years of neglect.
In so many ways, cleaning out this closet was like a history lesson, or a walk through time. I had items in it from when I was in college all the way up to the present time. I even found several outfits I wore when I was pregnant with Mattie in there, and I distinctly recall wearing them thinking about the excitement of having a baby. Unfortunately for me, unlike other moms, having a baby is linked to cancer and grief.
I found other items of Mattie's in my closet such as his onesies and shoes. Most of which I sealed up and stored right back in the closet. However, we accomplished a great deal with the kitchen and this closet today, but I have to admit a full month of this cleaning out process has been tiring, exhausting physically and mentally, and it has really shown me the aftermath and chaos of living through Mattie's cancer battle.
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