Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2003. It is actually a follow up to a picture I displayed two nights ago. It is a close up of Mattie with a goat. However, in this particular picture you can see Mattie's reaction to touching the goat's fur on its face. It was somewhat prickly and NOT what Mattie was expecting.
Quote of the day: He that conceals his grief finds no remedy for it. ~ Turkish Proverb
I received an email today from my lifetime friend, Karen. Karen is actually coming to Washington, DC this Wednesday. She is a NYC school teacher and her school is now on winter break. Karen commented in her message this morning that she liked the farm photos I have been displaying this week on the blog. As Karen knows, I LOVE cows. So much so, that many years ago, my mom adopted a cow for me in upstate New York. Daisy, my cow, was sickly and needed medical attention and care. I had Daisy's picture up in my kitchen until recently.
Karen reminded me of the trip she took with Mattie and I to the National Zoo. That day at the zoo, Mattie seemed agitated and grumpy. Mattie had those days, probably not unlike some toddlers, but Mattie's moods were intense. She recalled how he was so mad at us, that he literally zipped his jacket right over his head so he did not have to hear us talking. I frankly forgot about that, until Karen mentioned it. There were many days during Mattie's development which were challenging and difficult. This was even before cancer struck. In fact, as I was going through sympathy notes last weekend, I came across a beautiful note Mattie's speech therapist wrote to me a month after he died. I met Donna soon after Mattie's second birthday. Mattie only spoke about 4 to 5 words by age two, and my pediatrician referred me to Donna. I knew Mattie could hear me and I also knew he understood exactly what I was saying. However, without being able to talk and express himself, Mattie spent many of his early days very angry and would have ballistic meltdowns. You had to experience one to believe them. Mattie could have six to ten of these in any given day. At times I felt so emotionally raw. The first day he met Donna for a speech evaluation, he punched her in the face and practically broke her glasses. Fortunately Donna took a liking to Mattie and I, and signed Mattie on as her patient. Donna was my saving grace! She saw all the behaviors I had been trying to point out to the pediatrician for years. Mattie's pediatrician is a gifted medical doctor, but like so many medical doctors doesn't understand the psychological ramifications of parenting or children's issues for that matter. Donna however did. In addition, during one session Donna also observed Mattie beating up on me and giving me an extremely hard time. She literally pulled him into another room, and separated us for 30 minutes. Needless to say, I was crying hysterically and was frazzled beyond frazzled that day. This behavior wasn't only toward me, it was how Mattie socialized with the world. Which is why no little person wanted to play with him and why we never could attend a gymboree class with success or preschool for that matter (until we found Resurrection Children's Center, another saving grace in our lives).
I am telling you this because our history together was always challenging, but one thing was for certain, I believed in Mattie's potential and also was always by his side. I think we grew together and through these challenges became extremely close. We understood each other and defended each other all the time. Donna also referred Mattie for occupational therapy (OT), and Kathie our OT became the next vital person in our lives. Both Donna and Kathie worked with us for over two years. So by the time Mattie entered kindergarten he was a different child. He was at peace with himself and his skills. Which is why developing cancer was SO bitter. No child should get cancer, but Mattie had already overcome a great deal before his diagnosis. While other toddlers and preschoolers were out playing and having playdates. Mattie was going through speech, occupational, and play therapy. All I can say it that early interventions were the key to Mattie's successes, and as Donna always said to me.... having Peter and I as his parents helped! In fact, Mattie's pediatrician once said to me, "Vicki NOT all parents can handle a Mattie. Mattie chose the right mom." I hold onto these comments dearly now, since they are all that I have left.
Today was another day of cleaning and reorganizing. We dropped off another 12 bags of items to Goodwill! I am finally beginning to see our home again, a home that had been abandoned for years (starting on July 23, 2008 - diagnosis day)! Mattie's things are pervasive throughout our home and his things seem to be integrated among mine! Today while cleaning things in the kitchen, I found Mattie's penny passport book. Mattie collected stamped pennies from each of the places we visited. It is quite an impressive book and it immediately reminded Peter and I of all our adventures together. Needless to say, I looked at the book, and put it right back to where Mattie always kept it! There are some things I still can't touch. As things are being cleaned out it becomes more and more evident that Mattie no longer lives here. Our living room and dining room remind me of the days when Peter and I were just married. The only difference of course is we have pictures and art pieces created by a little one everywhere.
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