Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2003. I have been displaying a series of pictures over the last week of Mattie visiting a farm in Leesburg, VA. As you can see, I was trying to introduce Mattie to a very large pig, and I was trying to describe to him the coarse texture of the animal's fur. In typical fashion Mattie's antennae were out (his hands), but he wasn't quite sure if he wanted to venture closer and touch the pig. He eventually did!
Quote of the day: There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love. ~ Washington Irving
Today was an incredibly beautiful day in Washington, DC. The temperatures were in the 60s and I decided to get up early and walk. I met up with Ann and together we walked almost four miles outside in the sunshine. It felt like spring and it was delightful to be outside in the fresh air. I haven't walked like this in a long time but I do find it helps me feel better physically and mentally.
I spent a good portion this afternoon at Ann's house. Mary, Ann's mom, was over visiting and together we chatted, had lunch, and went through many family photos albums. Naturally I am not related to Ann and therefore I do not know her extended family. However the irony is since we spend a good portion of our days together, I have become acquainted with her family through stories or photos. So this makes it much easier to go through albums with Mary, because we can converse about what we are seeing.
This evening, Peter and I had the opportunity to have dinner with a Hospital administrator we have become friends with. We met Tim through Dr. Shad (the director of the Hem/Onc program at Georgetown University Hospital), and basically we instantly connected. Tim is also a cancer survivor and this gives him personal insights into the battle we faced with Mattie. We are able to understand and share how our life priorities have changed, how we maybe more honest and forthright with others, and how we protect ourselves from opening up our social circle because others may not understand us and our feelings. While chatting with Tim tonight, he referred to Peter and I as FEARLESS. I have been described as many things, but fearless is a new one for me. This came up when Tim asked us how on earth we get out of bed in the morning? He basically wanted to know how grief hasn't encompassed us completely and become all consuming. Peter and I answered this question in different ways. Peter explained what gets him out of bed each day is the notion of keeping Mattie's memory alive. Peter was quite eloquent with his response. I on the other hand was NOT eloquent and my simple answer was.... I have no idea why I get up each morning. Mattie's Foundation is important to me and it does give me purpose. But it is not what gets me up in the morning. Despite our different responses, I do see Tim's point. It takes a great deal of courage, faith, and perhaps love to get up each morning. Because despite Mattie's cancer battle being over, this battle will always remain in our hearts, mind, and body. So I agree, we are indeed fearless, because we have to battle our own internal war in order to find the peace necessary to greet a new day.
We were talking to Tim this evening about the long term effects of cancer on a patient. But honestly I think there are long term physical effects on the caregivers of cancer patients as well. I know that I am constantly tired, fatigued, and achy. I fight those feelings on any given day, because it would be very tempting to give in some days and just rest. In so many ways, Mattie cancer and death have aged me and I do not have the same energy or mindset as I once did. I am pretty sure being heartbroken can have physical consequences that are HARD to quantity and measure.
No comments:
Post a Comment