Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2003. We took Mattie to Los Angeles to visit my parents, and while there we introduced him to Griffith Park. As you can see, Mattie was riding a horse and had a big smile on his face. Mattie was a bit timid of the horses at first, but Peter agreed to walk right beside Mattie, and with that Mattie agreed to the adventure. Mattie loved Griffith Park, and each time we visited Los Angeles, this was one of the destinations he always requested.
Quote of the day: Sorrows cannot all be explained away in a life truly lived, grief and loss accumulate like possessions. ~ Stefan Kanfer
I agree with tonight's quote. Sorrows CAN NOT all be explained away, some sorrows simply make NO sense. The death of Mattie is one of these unexplained truths. As I write tonight's blog, Peter is listening to the music from Les Miserables. I haven't heard this music in a long time, but as soon as I heard it, I knew immediately what he was listening to. The music is stirring, and as many Les Mis fans know the character of Fantine dies in the first act. Fantine is a mother with a young child, who expresses her worries regarding who will care for her daughter once she dies. Fantine sings the haunting song, I Dreamed a Dream. Somehow the following lyrics captured our attention tonight..................................
"I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving"
Before we experienced a traumatic loss, I would say Peter and I both lived a very hopeful life, a life where with love anything seemed possible, and that God was forgiving. After Mattie's death, I would have to say our perspectives on life, love, and God have been impacted negatively. How to come to peace with what we have seen, experienced, and survived appears to be a lifetime endeavor!
It was pouring today in Washington, DC, and it certainly did not motivate me to want to leave home. We did venture out and went to Home Depot, because I want to take on several projects and I like wandering around the aisles getting ideas. We walked out into the garden area of Home Depot, and as soon as the doors opened up and we walked in and amongst the greenery, we were stunned by what we were hearing. All of a sudden Abba's Dancing Queen started playing over the loud speaker. Peter and I both stopped in our tracks, because we both immediately thought of Mattie. As my faithful readers know, Mattie loved Abba music and most of his physical therapy sessions on the fifth floor of the Hospital involved trying to walk, sing, and move to Abba music. I assure you we were quite a scene on therapy days, because Mattie always traveled with an entourage. In fact, I remember one day in particular in which we were singing and Mattie was migrating down the hallway with his walker and wheelchair. People were literally coming out of their offices to see where the music was blaring from! When they saw Mattie and his heroic efforts trying to move and walk, smiles came over their faces. The power of music and the beauty of Mattie's face and motivation together were over powering forces to witness. It is amazing how a song can take you back in time.
We spent the rest of the day at home, trying to regroup emotionally from the weekend. But Peter could see I was in a mood, and at times sad. It is my hope to see sun tomorrow and to be able to walk. Tomorrow is another day, and with that I take it one day at a time.
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