Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2004, at Mattie's second birthday party. Before all of Mattie's friends and family arrived, my mom snapped a picture of the three of us together. Who would have known how special this picture would become to us? I guess at age two, NO mom thinks her child will only live five more years, so you better appreciate it! Mattie's birthday theme that year was trains. Mattie loved trains, a love that lasted until the day he died.
Quote of the day: Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief. ~ C.S. Lewis
Sometimes, like this week, when I sit and wonder why I am unhappy, upset, and in a funk, I stop and reflect on my life. I think CS Lewis' quote captures it best. Not only do Peter and I live each day in grief, but worse we know we have to live the rest of our lives in grief. The thought of that alone is quite overwhelming, daunting, and sometimes impossible to absorb. In a way, CS Lewis verbalized what I have been feeling, and yet find so difficult to put into words.
I began my day with my monthly professional counselor licensure board meeting. I have served on this board for many years, and despite my world being turned upside down, I still enjoy this position greatly. I love our board staff and the composition of our board members. After our meeting today, the topic of death and dying came up over lunch. One board member said she is afraid to die, and another said she was afraid to talk about this issue. Writing about this issue each and every day, makes it SO commonplace to me. I can talk about death like some people talk about sports and politics. It rolls right out of my mouth. I explained to the board that after you watch a seven year old die a horrific death in your arms, you realize that death happens. There is nothing you can do to stop it, you are powerless over it, but perhaps knowing that I also don't fear it. I told them after losing Mattie, my regard for life is different now. That once you lose a child, to some extent your life and purpose do not seem as meaningful. I guess I did not realize how powerful my words were, because I saw some people tearing and another board member came up to me after the meeting and gave me a big hug. She too lost someone close to her and she doesn't feel comfortable talking about it in front of others, but felt that she could with me. I carry on in my position as board chair and I function effectively. But if you scratch the surface, like people did today, you will see I have a lot to say, I feel a great deal, and the pain is very real.
Switching subjects! I remember when I was a little girl, my dad would listen to country music in the car. My mom at the time was NOT into this type of music. However, she came around! The irony is my dad is a strong willed, accomplished executive, and what I am getting at is NOT the kind of person you would think would listen to country music. Or at least that was my thinking as a child. However, being introduced to country music at an early age, what intrigued me about this music was the STORIES, the TOPICS, and the EMOTIONS discussed. I distinctly recall my dad and I getting a major kick out of this song, "Your Nobody Called Today." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBACEa-onkY
In fact, I imagine when he reads tonight's posting, he will be chuckling. I think as a parent you don't always know what your children absorb when they are with you. But I learned from my dad that you can be tough, strong minded, and also like country music. Now as an adult, I completely relate to country music. In fact, I am sure if I polled mental health professionals, many of us would gravitate to this music. Why? Because the music is real, it talks about real life issues, problems, feelings, and dilemmas.
In the midst of this day, I received an exciting email. I had sent an email to a radio show personality that I listen to each and every day. As many of my readers know, I am a big new country music fan. So I decided this week to write to WMZQ. WMZQ-FM is a radio station located at 98.7 FM in Washington, D.C.. The station has had a country music format since 1977. I told the radio station about Mattie and our upcoming Walk. To my surprise, the radio station is donating two tickets to the upcoming Kenny Chesney concert to our Walk raffle.
For those of you unfamiliar with Kenny Chesney, he is an American country music singer and songwriter. Chesney has recorded 15 albums, 14 of which have been certified gold or higher by the RIAA. He has also produced more than 30 Top Ten singles on the U.S. Billboard Hot Country Songs charts, 20 of which climbed to the top of the charts. Over the life of his career, Chesney has been honored with numerous awards from the Academy of Country Music (ACM), Country Music Association (CMA), American Music Awards (AMA), Country Music Television (CMT), Billboard Music Awards (BMA), People's Choice Awards (PCA), and the French Country Music Awards (FCMA). Chesney's most recent charity work includes working with the V Foundation. Founded by the late Jim Valvano, the V Foundation is a charitable organization dedicated to saving lives by helping to find a cure for cancer.
I attached three links to recent Kenny Chesney songs for you. To me each song has a powerful message, and the videos seem to drive that message home. I hope you enjoy these! All I can say is that the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation is TRULY grateful to WMZQ for their support!
The Boys of Fall
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AlXDo5WhQXI
Don't Blink
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4f0p5KqdU9U
There Goes My Life
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP-Sxfntdb4&NR=1
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