Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2004. We had taken Mattie to the National Zoo, and he was checking out some of the animals. Clearly Mattie had me laughing and Peter captured that special moment in time.
Quote of the day: Men can counsel and speak comfort to that grief which they themselves not feel. ~
William Shakespeare
I am beginning to think Shakespeare was absolutely brilliant when it came to understanding the complexities of grief. All of his grief quotes were very poignant. Just like the one I posted tonight. What captures my attention about this quote is that it tells us outright that for those of us grieving there is no comfort to be had. Only those not feeling the grief themselves can offer help and seek comfort in the loss. I gather because it is a loss on a more cognitive level rather than an emotional one. It is a loss that may not impact one's life completely.
I received several lovely emails today from friends who continue to read the blog. The irony is I have no idea who reads the blog each and every day. I know I have my core group of loyal readers, but other than that, I write, and wonder sometimes who finds what I write interesting. Or interesting enough to come back often?! It is in a similar fashion when I open our Foundation's PO Box. On a regular basis we have someone who contributes financially to our Foundation, and yet I don't know this person and wonder how he/she (since I only have this person's first initial) is connected to us. I would personally love to thank this person and chat with him or her, but it does make me pause and realize that some people are connected with us through our story, which has been told each and every day on this blog for the last two years and counting.
I distinctly recall when Mattie was battling cancer, I had to shut out a lot of things. I also had to close off to hearing what people were sometimes telling me. It is hard to hear others complain about their lives when you are living in a PICU and also worried whether your son will die. Life and death seem to take priority over trivial day to day matters in my mind. Now that Mattie has died, I clearly do not live with the same life and death traumas on a minute by minute basis. Yet for Peter and I, life is filled with many existential crises, and just by the sheer magnitude of Mattie's loss. I find there are times when I can't engage in real world dialogue. I can't process trivial compliants, and I most definitely can't absorb how other people's children are doing, accomplishing, and growing. I am sure that sounds very harsh and uncaring. I do not always feel this way either, but during the times I do, I find that I have to forgive myself for feeling the way that I do, and accept it. I try not to lash out at anyone, I typically just remove myself from conversations or prevent myself from having them.
For those of you who write to me, thank you! Your words and continual appreciation for the blog mean a great deal to me. I would like to end tonight's posting with one of the messages I received today. This email was from Anne. Anne is a loyal read and her daughter was in Mattie's kindergarten class. Anne wrote, "I just read yesterday's blog entry (Tuesday) where you talk about your opportunity to talk to doctors about better ways to relate to patients/families. You also expressed concern about whether it will make a difference. I ABSOLUTELY think it will . . .if you approach it the right way. I have no idea what that right way is mind you. But you are such a powerful speaker and you have such a powerful message, it is sure to make a difference. I know you did not ask my opinion, but I am going to throw it out there . . . ask the doctors you are close to (e.g. Kristen) how she thinks you could get through to the doctors and what are their complaints about parents/patients. With that information, you will be better able to talk TO the doctors rather than talk AT them. This may make a difference. If you acknowledge their issues (even briefly), they may be more receptive to acknowledge yours. I read the blog entry and felt compelled to write to you. Even if you reach one doctor, who is more compassionate to one family, you helped that one family. . . and there is no way your story, your passion will not reach many more doctors. I am so excited for you to have this opportunity. This seems so big to me! Will it be video-taped? If so (and you would need to get all of the copyright issues resolved first) you could put it on the website to reach that many more people...just a thought."
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