Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2004. I wasn't always able to capture these quiet and serene times, mainly because Mattie was a child with a lot of energy and was always active. But these tender and relaxing moments did occur in our lives, and I am so happy I photographed them. It is week 81 and counting and the feelings of grief remain with us each and every day.
Quote of the day: Grief is a process, not a state. ~ Anne Grant
I woke up this morning with a full blown migraine headache along with a severe allergic reaction. This reaction impacted my eyes, which have been swollen and tearing all day.
While sitting down at my kitchen table this morning (a space that I simply love, maybe because in the 15 years we have lived in our home, I never sat in the kitchen before) I was glancing through The Washington Post. On the front cover, I saw something that caught my eye. An article that had to do with nurses and the impact they make in a patient's life. In this particular case, the article featured the care nurses provided to President Ronald Reagan on March 30, 1981, the day that Reagan was shot. On the 30th anniversary of this national tragedy, this article was written to illustrate the long lasting connection between nurses and their patients.
As I was reading this article, I was deeply affected by the words and sentiments. What Mr. Wilber was able to capture was the fears, the emotions, and the existential issues that arise when one is rushed to the hospital. These emotions are universal, and though Ronald Reagan was the president, he too was frightened, in pain, and questioned whether he would live and what his future would hold. What made this story very poignant was the revealing truth. When patients need compassion, understanding, a hand to hold, and the truth about their condition, guess who they ask? They ask a nurse! Doctors tend to be too busy, and many of them are not comfortable interacting on a very human and emotional level. Certainly I am generalizing since we were fortunate to have Aziza and Kristen providing Mattie's medical care. But the reality is that nurses are there around the clock and are addressing the moment to moment concerns of their patients. This can provide for very intense times together. However, how Ronald Reagan felt about his nurses, is how I feel about Mattie's nurses. Nurses are remarkable people, and in Mattie's case, women I will never forget.
Mr. Wilber's article had me in tears by the time I finished reading it. In fact, I was so moved by his words, that I emailed him today! Not something I would typically do. I have attached a link to the article below in case you would like to read it for yourself.
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The Washington Post Article:
30 years later, nurses recall their role in saving Reagan’s life by Del Quentin Wilber
http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/30-years-later-nurses-recall-role-in-saving-reagans-life/2011/03/22/AFQmuXqB_story.html?hpid=z11
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Peter and I have been emailing back and forth today. He is still dizzy, but he reports that his symptoms are improving ever so slightly each day. He did share a cute story, which I am passing along to you. I am NOT the only one in the family who is an animal lover. Cats have a thing about Peter. In fact, there is a cat at his hotel in Rwanda who has adopted him. This tabby cat comes to visit Peter every morning and evening. You want to know why? Because Peter shared part of his breakfast one day with the cat, and as any cat owner knows, cats are VERY smart. This tabby has sized Peter up, and realizes if it wants to eat, sticking close to his buddy is a good plan. Meanwhile, Patches, our calico, is driving me absolutely crazy. She misses Peter and acts out when he isn't around. I wouldn't think such a thing was possible, and most likely you are reading this and saying..... what on earth is she talking about? But you have to trust me on this, her behavior is beyond challenging.
This afternoon, I met up with Ann. However, my eyes are so swollen and my head hurts so much, I couldn't even see her at the place we met for lunch. I heard her voice, and followed the sound until I found her. Ann took one look at me, and was stunned with the look of my eyes. My plan is to go to sleep early tonight in hopes that rest helps how I am feeling.
Later this afternoon, I ventured over to Mattie's school and met with Donna (one of the kindergarten teachers at the school). I will be visiting Donna's classroom tomorrow for the first session of Picasso and Matisse. Donna and I have had a good time chatting and planning these sessions together, and it is my hope that I can pull this off tomorrow. I will give you a detailed account of what we do tomorrow. But in a nutshell, the goal is to talk about colors and feelings and how they tie into art. In addition, I will be covering the life and some of the child friendly works of Picasso. The children will then have the opportunity to explore cubism (since Picasso is one of the founders of this art form) with a hands on activity. Stay tuned for more details.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from Mattie's oncologist and our friend, Kristen. Kristen wrote, "Thinking of you both and always thinking of Mattie this Tuesday and every day."
The second beautiful message I received is from a parent of a child treated at Georgetown University Hospital. Amy saw us many times while Mattie was undergoing treatment, however, I unfortunately never met her in person. She and her family are coming to this year's walk and I look forward to meeting her in person. However, Amy writes to us often and has been incredibly supportive. When I asked her whether it was okay to post her comments on the blog (of which she reads faithfully), she said she views the blog as a safe and sacred place. I am honored by her comments and her reflections. Amy wrote, "I am a faithful reader of your online journal. Your words never fail to move me, and I so enjoy the photos of beautiful, gorgeous Mattie. I am continually amazed by you and Peter and the way you manage to continue to honor your son and channel your grief in so many important ways AND HELP OTHERS!, although I know you certainly never asked for such a role. I cannot imagine the pain of losing Mattie. I think you communicate an important message to your readers when you articulate that one does not "get over" such a tragedy- nor should one be expected to. You will have prayers, support, strength and positive energy sent your way for as long as you need it! And know that your boy is not and will not be forgotten! I think of him every time I go to Gtown even though I never had the sheer pleasure of meeting him. I think that parents who go through medical challenges with their children share a bond and connection that others can't begin to understand, just as I can't begin to truly understand what you face every day. As soon as I saw the photo of Peter in the Washington Post, I recognized him instantly from our days in the PICU and was crushed to read that Mattie had passed away. Thank you so much for sharing your insights, wisdom and experience so honestly in your journal. I am a nursing student, 4 weeks from program completion, and I read your words also from that perspective - you are helping me understand and grasp how I want to relate to families and parents in the future, as I intend to focus on peds."
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