Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006. Peter took Mattie to a Day Out with Thomas. They did this with Zachary, Mattie's very close preschool buddy and Zachary's dad. Mattie LOVED Thomas the Tank Engine and I think we owned every Thomas train possible. Mattie and Zachary were both fascinated with trains and they could play with them for hours. On that particular day, Mattie loved the fact that he got to ride a real train whose engine looked just like Thomas!
Quote of the day: The grief sometimes gets so heavy that it's physically hard to breathe. The wound never heals. Little things -- like hearing a certain song on the radio -- just rip the scab right off. ~ Karla Stauble
I spent a good part of the day helping Ann prepare for an event she was having at her house tonight. One of the things I enjoy doing is arranging flowers and putting colors together. So we accomplished a lot today. Though Ann invited me to the party, I knew in all good consciousness there is NO way I could attend it. I couldn't see myself in a room full of people who have school aged children. I am not in a chit chatty kind of mood, nor do I want to hear their issues, concerns, or problems. I have more than enough on my plate right now, and frankly regardless of what someone is dealing, I have to say that most people I know are not contending with the death of their only child. A child who would have been turning 9 years of age on Monday. Typically I am very empathetic and reach out to others, but there are times I just can't. Nor will I subject myself to this.
I visited Ann's mom, Mary this evening. In fact, Ann got a call earlier in the day from Mary, asking whether I was coming over to visit her for dinner. While Peter is away, I try to spend this time with Mary. I know she appreciates the company and my presence. Outside Mary's window is a glorious Magnolia tree, and it is blooming. She and I have watched this tree transform from a dormant state to its awakening. Each day we can see the blossoms unfurl and as Mary said today the flowers "make you feel alive." She captured the sentiment SO well. When you are grieving it is sometimes hard to remember that you are alive, and seeing nature can make you pause and try to find peace.
Peter is holding his own in Rwanda. He is putting in very long days, but it sounds like he is accomplishing a lot. He tells me his symptoms are getting better each day, but he hasn't lost the dizziness. It is my hope when he returns, the dizziness will remain behind in Africa. Due the time difference, 6 hours, we haven't been able to talk with each other for a few days. We email! I imagine one day in the future I will be able to use Skype through my cell phone! Until then, I am grateful for email.
When I got home tonight, I received two "how are you?" emails and one "how are you?" text message. I appreciate the thoughtfulness and sensitivity to the challenges of my week, as well as the pending and overwhelming feeling of Mattie's birthday approaching. I received an email today from Kristen, Mattie's oncologist and our friend. Kristen does not want me to spend Mattie's birthday alone, so she made a reservation for us to have dinner together on Monday. In a way, I imagine Mattie's death impacts Kristen too. I have a feeling most oncologists do not land up going out to dinner and socializing with their former patient's family. This illustrates my point about Kristen as being a very special person and doctor. But it also speaks to the power of Mattie Brown. He united people in extraordinary ways.
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