Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2004. Unlike me, Mattie loved the rain, and as you can see that day, he insisted that we go outside in it! So out on the deck we went, with umbrella in hand. When I look at his sweet and innocent little face, it is hard to imagine and accept that he is gone.
Quote of the day: Grief can't be shared. Everyone carries it alone. His own burden in his own way. ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Lindbergh's quote is quite true. Grief can be felt and shared by others, but one's own personal feelings about a loss are unique. I do agree, that I do share my grief alone, because at the end of the day it is me who is home alone surrounded by Mattie's things and with memories of a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week battle against osteosarcoma. Others may have walked this journey with me, and for that I am grateful, but Mattie was my son, and the loss of his presence in my life will naturally affect me now and it will affect my future.
I feel as if I am starting this week out on a major deficit. Dealing with Peter's illness last week wiped me out. The worry from that alone took its toll on me, and I feel like I am juggling so many things. As Peter wrote to me today, he could tell that I was in a "funk." I just feel very tired and have an intense headache which makes keeping my eyes open challenging.
Peter is holding his own in Rwanda, but still isn't feeling back to normal. I am happy that despite the time difference, we seem to be able to connect through email, and can share aspects of our day with one another. However, Mattie's cancer and death has caused me to feel very uncertain when Peter travels. Life has shown me that the unexpected can happen and does happen. I never imagined my six year old would develop cancer and die, but it happened. So when Peter travels, I worry that something could happen to him too. Cancer has shown me how fragile life is, and as I say all the time, cancer is a lifetime diagnosis, that not only impacts the patient, but the entire family system. Even though our cancer battle is technically OVER from a medical standpoint, from a psychological standpoint it VERY much exists and is ever present.
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