Tonight's picture was taken on Easter of 2009. Our last Easter with Mattie. Mattie's friends, Louise and Meredith, came to the hospital and hosted an Easter Egg hunt for him. Mattie loved it, and the interesting things they stuffed the eggs with made him smile. They knew Mattie did not like chocolate or candy for that matter. So there was money in the eggs and rubber bugs. Mattie thought that was absolutely great! I miss that face and Easter is not the same without him in our lives.
Quote of the day: For some moments in life there are no words. ~David Seltzer
David Seltzer's quote could have been my motto for today. Today was a bad day on so many fronts. Sometimes it is hard to describe bad, pain, and grief! Because there is certainly a continuum to these feelings, but there are NO words to adequately describe the feelings. Last night before I went to bed, I had the notion that I would meet Ann at church today and then spend the day with her family. I even picked out a sundress to wear to church. When Patches got me up at 6:30am with her howling, that started my day on a bad note. In fact at 7am, I sent Ann a text message saying I wasn't going to see her today. I put the dress back in the closet, along with my shoes and jewelry, and got right back into bed. I did get out of bed by 9:30am, because it was 7:30pm (in Bangladesh) Peter's time and we agreed to connect by Skype at that time.
Peter could tell I wasn't having a good day already, and he listened and we chatted about his first full day of work. Which despite being up without sleep for 24 hours went very well. He is staying in a Westin in Bangladesh, and from what I can see from the pictures it looks like any Westin we would find in the United States.
I recall that last year, Easter was on Mattie's 8th birthday, April 4, 2010. Needless to say, both Mattie's birthday and Easter were a blur in 2010. This is our second Easter without Mattie and I can sadly report it isn't getting better or easier. I was fortunate enough to be able to connect with several people through email today. My friend Nancy, in NY, greeted me with a message and we talked about the commercialism of Easter. She wondered if Easter was like this when I was growing up or whether it was more about the spiritual nature of the holiday? As a child I certainly remember the Easter eggs, baskets, pretty dresses, bonnets, and candy. But I guess as I am an adult now, who has lost my only child, Easter seems very focused upon all the things I NO longer have in my life, rather than the rebirth of Christ. In fact I feel that it is impossible to celebrate Easter without having these other factors in my life. As if I am not entitled to celebrate Easter.
Later in the day, I was exchanging emails with my mom, and we were talking about the hospital script I am working on. I worked on it for hours today, and wrote five pages so far. My goal is to write a 10 page script, to deliver at the Medical Grand Rounds at Georgetown University Hospital on May 20. My mom was empathizing with me about how challenging and painful this has to be, and how she wished this wasn't a part of my life.
As the day wore on, I found myself getting more sad. It was at that particular point in time that my friend, Tina began text messaging me. Tina also invited me to spend the day with her, and really tried giving me all sorts of options to entice me out. I did remain at home, but I enjoyed our chats, which got more lengthy so we moved from text messaging to emails. It is amazing the words we choose to use with each other can make all the difference in the world. In fact it can change your outlook about a particular situation. Tina did that for me today. We have been chatting about all sorts of things, especially old movies and musicals, which we found out we both happen to like.
As I was eating dinner tonight, I turned on the TV. To my surprise I found the movie, Easter Parade, had taped today. This is one of my favorite things to do on Easter. I love old movies, and I am big fans of Judy Garland and Fred Astaire. I was glued to the TV for the entire movie, and I found listening to the music, watching them dance, and following the story line made me happier and for that moment in time I forgot my problems.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two special messages I received today. The first one is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "As I do many times before I write to you, I check out the blog of the last few days. I awoke and knew that I wanted to reach out to you especially since Peter is on the other side of the world from you. Karen and I are on the same wavelength as I was thinking how ironic it was that Peter had to be away for these two events, Mattie's birthday and today's holiday. Listening to your frustration about all the Easter hype brings home how myopic people are. At times like this all they think about is from their own perspective. For us, as counselors, it is hard to remember that at times. As a mother, it is impossible! We are always thinking about our children and planning how to make each day count. In this regard, you can pat yourself on the back because you did that each day of Mattie's life and continue to each day following his death. I was glad that Mattie was watching over Peter as he made his trip to Africa. How unsettling that he has these two long trips within the last 6 weeks. This is another example of the stamina that Peter and you have. You are a mentor to others even when you don't want to be."
The second message is from my friend Tina. Tina is the same person who hosted the successful Art Show last week from which the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation received a percentage of the proceeds. Tina wrote, "From reading your blog, I think that one reason you are a good teacher is that you connect with your students of all ages on more than just one level. You provide the information, but then you also dig deeper. Your words are thought provoking. I think you know where your students are coming from and they sense that you are open to their ideas and contributions --whether that is as an art teacher or in your professor mode. Your blog is just another way to teach about one of the most difficult and challenging subjects out there. I love it when teachers admit that they don't know all the answers when something comes up. In your blog, we're able to travel the journey, your journey, with you and reflect upon our own challenges, losses and the people we grieve for. It is a rare person who can put these feelings into words that make sense--make sense to themselves much less anyone else! I wanted to be in the room with you for your art lessons! Magic! You have a gift V. Teaching students of any age isn't something that is easy to do. So much work goes into it whether it is kids or adults. Your former student knows this. Something to think about as you consider your book. I'm happy Peter arrived safely and that you have had time to chat a bit. I want you to know that your words today (as always) were appreciated. Health is everything. Our family is everything. We need to remember how precious our life together is. Somewhere I heard that friends are the family you get to choose. Remember that I choose you and that you have many, many other people who have chosen you. While we can't begin to lessen the loss you feel constantly without your sweet Mattie, know that we are here. As mother's day approaches, I know it will never be the same, but you are very much still a mother, a nurturer and a teacher. That doesn't stop. You are needed. You are a wonderful friend to Mary and to everyone you come in contact with. You are doing so much through your MMCF work and blog that you inspire all of us in many ways and are changing the lives of everyone you come in contact with."
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