Friday, September 16, 2011

Friday, September 16, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008 in Mattie's hospital room. In all the PICU rooms, there was a window in the room that looked into the hallway of the unit. That particular afternoon, Mattie did not feel like leaving his room. But that did not mean Mattie wasn't up to his own antics. He had me blow up several rubber gloves to create turkey balloons. He then stood by the window, and when unsuspecting doctors and nurses walked by he would bang on the window and flash his turkey balloons. He frightened some people because they weren't expecting him standing there, and he made some others laugh. Either case, it made Mattie smile, laugh, and feel energized. Mattie and I were trapped most of our days inside a room that reminded me of a walk in closet. It was small, without much natural light, and of course at times depressing and isolating. Therefore, Mattie's antics, from my perspective, were not only a good thing, but a healthy diversion to our horrific existence.

Childhood Cancer Fact of the Day: Eighty percent of children have cancer that has spread to more than one location at the time of diagnosis (Cancer.Net).

I had a bad night of sleep and was restless. In between waking up, I had a very vivid dream. As my faithful readers know, I do not have many Mattie dreams. So when I do, they are significant to me. Last night I had a very vivid dream, so vivid, that I woke up disturbed. Because in my dream I could feel my own emotions and that of others around me.

In my dream, Mattie finds me and tells me he is alive. When I see him, he looks, happy, healthy, and with no signs of cancer. He wasn't a toddler, he was seven years old (naturally I don't know what Mattie truly looks like healthy at age 7, since when he was 7 his body was ravaged by cancer). In the dream I vividly remember going down an escalator with Mattie to enter one of our DC metro stations. We were trying to get on a train to get to a Bingo game on time. Of course that makes no sense, but this is a dream. As the day progresses in my dream, I learn that Mattie was returned to me in exchange for one of my friends (who is a cancer survive) developing cancer again and dying. I could feel myself being elated that Mattie was alive and yet devastated that my friend had to die and her son was going to be raised without her. In the dream, I could see all of us crying over the loss of my friend and then being faced with the decision..... do I keep Mattie or save my friend?

I woke up perplexed. What kind of nightmare was this? I felt as if I was back in graduate school learning about Kohlberg's stages of moral development and I was thrown such a horrible ethical dilemma to see how I would justify it. Needless to say, despite the content of the dream, Mattie seemed very much alive and wanted to be back by my side. However, of course when I woke up, he wasn't by my side and there were no traces of him ever being around me. It was only a dream, but a disturbing one, as if I was challenged to make a choice between two people in my life.

So when I woke up, I was in a ticky mood. I still wasn't feeling well and had a migraine headache. I did walk several miles with my mom today and then throughout the day, we saw amazing deer sightings. In total today, I saw over 15 deer in my parent's neighborhood. I don't know, do you think it is a Mattie sign, as if I am getting a message after my horrific dream?

The first Mattie sign I saw this morning was this snail. "Snaily" as Mattie would have called him was sitting on my parent's driveway this morning. It was overcast and cool, and it was perfect snail weather.






Then the deer sightings began. I spotted 10 deer at a neighbor's house. This one was drinking out of the fountain. Remember I live in the heart of Washington, DC. What I see each day are lots of people and traffic. So deer sightings are unique to me, but more importantly they are my connection to nature and remind me of Mattie.

Here is the neighbor's house, with deer on the driveway and walkway. These deer were eating every bush in sight on that property.

At the end of the day, at dusk, we were driving back home. The sun finally came out and so did the deer. These deer are used to people and cars. I put down the car window and aimed my camera. I clearly caught her attention and beautiful face. These "LA Cappuccinos," the name I have given to these deer, are SO different from our Roosevelt Island deer. The LA Cappuccinos are slender, darker in color, have a black tail, and incredibly large ears.