Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Tuesday, September 27, 2011 -- Mattie died 107 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008 in Mattie's hospital room. Mattie was getting an infusion through a pump, which was sitting on the bed behind me. Otherwise if Mattie was not hooked up to a machine, he would have been up, off the bed (remember that in September of 2008, he had no surgeries yet and was fully mobile) and most likely hopping about the room. However, during this 20 minute infusion, I literally had to put my head down from exhaustion. I was beyond wiped out. Peter snapped this picture of Mattie and I during this quiet or not so quiet moment! The irony was Mattie was the one battling cancer and undergoing treatment, and yet he had a great deal of energy, which I feel the picture illustrates so well.

Childhood Cancer Facts of the Day:  Common psychosocial issues from cancer (Children's Cancer Foundation):

1) Inhibited and withdrawn behavior
2) Fear of trying new things
3) Peer relationship difficulties
4)  Frustration and discouragement
5)  Loss of independence
6)  Anxiety from effects of illness/treatment
7) Impact on siblings


Peter and I got up this morning very early to get ready for our morning flight back to Washington, DC. Both of us were on autopilot and walking around like zombies. As we left my parent's house to drive to the airport, we were greeted at 7am by this wonderful sight. The mother deer and her baby came out to say good-bye to us. Peter hadn't seen the baby LA Cappuccino during this visit, so this was a wonderful morning surprise.

On the way to the airport, we saw working oil rigs. I remember when we first moved to Los Angeles in 1984, I was fascinated by this sighting. Since I never saw an oil rig while living in New York. It is funny to think that over 20 years later, these oil rigs are still pumping away!



It was an unusual occurrence today, the Los Angeles International Airport was practically empty. So we breezed through security and sat for quite a while by the gate until we could board the airplane. While sitting down, I noticed a man in a navy sweater pass us by. As soon as I saw the sweater, I said to Peter, "there is Mr. Rogers." Naturally this wasn't Mr. Rogers, but the sweater reminded me of the one Mr. Rogers wore at the beginning of each of his TV shows. Any case, within minutes, Mr. Rogers came up to talk to us, and sat right next to me eating a sandwich. He started talking to us because he was attracted to Peter's Red Sox hat. The Red Sox cult is clearly alive and well even at the airport. Peter and Mr. Rogers traded Red Sox stats and scores. While they were talking, I looked at his luggage and could see he was an United Airlines Flight crew member. We chatted for at least 30 minutes and I told him that I have a fear of flying. He says that this is not uncommon since most people do not like flying because they do not like the lack of control. I must admit at one time I used to worry about mechanical failure, the competency of the pilot, and so forth. Now those things are not the first issues that cross my mind. The first thing that bothers me is being locked into a flying bus with hundreds of people. Some of whom maybe unstable and irrational. So don't you know I asked Mr. Rogers how the airline industry trains its flight crew to handle out of control passengers. He told us one interesting story about a passenger who was talking to himself, sticking $20 bills up his nose, and telling his seat mate that he hated his life and wanted the chance to maybe blow something up to prove his worth. Fortunately the seat mate told Mr. Rogers (mind you his name is NOT Mr. Rogers) what she observed and within minutes four FBI agents who happened to be on the plane surrounded and isolated this unstable man. I naturally asked Mr. Rogers what would have happened if the FBI were not on the plane. He couldn't go into detail but he said there are procedures and devices on board to help manage such difficult situations. Needless to say Mr. Rogers took a liking to us and comped drinks for us while on the flight. He most likely thought alcohol would help my fear or situation. But I do not drink aboard a plane. I like my wits about me. Not sure why, but I feel that it is important to be alert. I naturally couldn't do much if something happened aboard a plane, but being alert is how I stay in control.
As we took off from LA, we passed over Catalina Island and Peter snapped a picture of it.












The entire flight was very smooth and it made me appreciate the beauty of flying. But just when I let my guard down, that is when the turbulence begins. There were many thunderhead clouds over DC tonight and we passed through several. One big cloud provided a wild enough ride for me, to want to absolutely jump right out of the plane. Despite that, the pilot did a great job in a difficult situation. This picture shows some of the cloud we flew through.

In the midst of landing, we saw a rainbow. That seemed like an amazing sight, which made us pause and think of Mattie. The irony is after we landed and were in a taxi to come home, we saw three deer by the side of the road, right outside the airport. The scene came on too suddenly for me to take a picture of it, but after seeing LA Cappuccinos for 18 days, I can safely say that our DC deer are VERY different in shape and coloring. But the reason I am mentioning the deer is that there were three, just like my family used to be... Peter, Mattie, and I. I couldn't help but think that this threesome was a direct natural message from my Mattie. On the 107th week of Mattie's death, I do not put anything passed him.



When I arrived home tonight, I received a letter and a gift from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy sent me this beautiful magnetic butterfly from her summer trip to Canada. She wanted me to know that she understands September is a difficult month for me with Mattie's death and knowing his friends are going back to school. This Mattie butterfly is now attached to my kitchen window frame and it will always remind me of the fragile and yet beautiful life of Mattie Brown.

I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from Mattie's oncologist and our friend. Kristen wrote, "Warm wishes for your safe return to hot and humid (yet rainy) Washington.  Vicki, thank you for posting a blurb on your blog regarding Go4theGoal.  I know how important this is to the Go4theGoal foundation and I'm sure they appreciate your tribute. Thinking of you this Tuesday and everyday and thankful for the impact you are making in this world."