Wednesday, October 19, 2011Tonight's picture was taken in the Fall of 2007. This was Mattie's formal kindergarten picture. The irony is the first picture the photographer took of Mattie was terrible. It did not even look like him. So I scheduled Mattie for a retake of the picture. I am so glad I did, because pictures are all I have now, and I would have hated looking back at this picture and being disappointed if it did not capture the essence of Mattie. The reason I am posting this photo tonight is because it became the topic of conversation today while I was grocery shopping. I will explain this below.
Quote of the day: Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief. ~ William Faulkner
When I found tonight's quote, my only reaction to it was....... are you kidding me Mr. Faulkner? If you gave me the choice of feeling nothing or grief, I would take nothing hands down any day. Grieving the loss of Mattie is sometimes so pervasive and impacts my whole outlook, that at times I feel like I am going crazy. I can actually feel myself spiraling downhill with no idea when that feeling will stop. It is analogous to falling. When you trip over something or stumble, you can see the ground and you know the inevitable will happen.... you are going down! You have no control of the fall, the extent of your injuries, or how you will get up once you fall. Same is true with grief, except the fall is a psychological one. During various times throughout the week, I am constantly navigating land mines. I just never know what will set my grief reactions off. So if you gave me the choice of not having to feel like this versus having to live life filled with grief, I assure you I would select the former every time!
I went to the grocery store this afternoon, and while I was with the cashier I had my wallet open. The cashier admired the above picture and asked if this boy was my son. I said yes. She told me he was so cute and wanted to know how old he is now. I could have easily lied I suppose, but I didn't. I told her that Mattie died from cancer. She was thoroughly shocked and started to cry, especially when she heard he was only seven when he died. She felt terrible that she brought up this topic with me, and apologized to me numerous times. I told her not to feel bad for asking, in fact, other than the blog, for the most part I have no outlet to talk about Mattie. So when the topic of Mattie comes up, yes it is sad, and yes I feel unhappy, but at the same time it allows me to keep his memory alive. I enjoy when people take an interest in my stories, because stories are all I have left. I think most people shy away from talking about Mattie with me because they think it will hurt me or cause me to reflect on these painful memories. All of that is true, it is hurtful, but not in the way you may think. Whether you talk about Mattie or not with me, I hurt. By someone showing interest, in a way it is like sharing the hurt with me and not feeling and living it alone. Sharing a memory and listening to my stories are gifts.
When I left the store, I thought about this for a while and wondered whether I should remove Mattie's picture from the visible part of my wallet. The conclusion I came to was that I am not removing the picture. My only motivation for removing the picture would be to prevent the discomfort experienced by others. But that is ridiculous. I can't control the feelings and reactions of others and whether Mattie is alive and physically with me is irrelevant. Mattie is my son, and like most parents, they too have photos of their children in their wallets. In either case, I like seeing Mattie's picture when I open my wallet, and the funny part is Mattie did too when he was alive.
It was another day of rain, actually it was pouring! Ann and I met up to try to walk outside, but that did not materialize. Instead, we walked inside of a mall. It is not the same as seeing greenery, but moving around and talking are always good things. Lunch for us became very social. Ann lives in the same town as Mattie's school, which though it is large, it is also very tight knit and it is very easy to run into people you know. So I had lunch today with Ann and my friends Tina and Ellen. Lunch ended with eating chocolate, which seemed needed on a very rainy day.
I want to end tonight's posting by thanking all of my readers who have voted for Tricia (Mattie's nurse) over the past month. Voting is now closed to the public, and we can only hope that Tricia got enough votes to qualify her to be one of the five finalists. Keep your fingers crossed! Thank you SO much for all your help and for telling your friends and family about this contest!
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