Sunday, October 16, 2011

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. We took Mattie to a fall festival and one of the activities he fell in love with were these huge slides. Mattie wasn't about to try going on these slides alone, but he was more than eager to experience this adventure sitting on Peter's lap. It is hard to believe that just a few years ago we were involved in such Fall activities, now I can barely remember we are in the month of October.


Quote of the day: If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

As promised, the question of the day is....................................................
Have you voted for Tricia (Mattie's nurse) today?
(Remember you can vote ONCE every 24 hours!!!)

For more information about the Johnson and Johnson Amazing Nurse Contest, please read my September 28, 2011 blog posting. Your daily vote is important and will bring Tricia closer to becoming a finalist.

Click on this link to vote for Patricia Grusholt: http://wildfireapp.com/website/6/contests/157336/voteable_entries

Tonight's quote interests me. If we are a compilation of all the previous generations before us, what happens when the youngest generation of a family dies? Certainly it is obvious that not only does the individual die (in this example, I mean Mattie), but also the history and the memories of the past generations die with him. But I wonder does a child who dies continue living on within his parents? If I read into this quote then..... If I look into the palm of my hand, will I see Mattie? As a society we are used to saying that our children look or act like us. But is the reverse true? Can I say I am like Mattie? Naturally I could just say yes, but there are times within the grieving process where I have moments of uncertainty, I have moments of great sadness, and continued shock over the loss of my seven year old, and simply I have moments of disbelief.

Peter went for a walk early this morning on Roosevelt Island. Along his walk, he snapped some pictures which illustrate that Fall has hit the Island. Not only do I love seeing the beautiful changing colors on the trees but Peter captured Mattie Moon in the sky looking down on him this morning. Look closely at the picture, because that tiny white dot at the top of the picture is the moon.

Peter seems to visit the Island at the right time, because during his morning walks, he always sees a Great Blue Heron and mallard ducks. Without Mattie around, I am quite certain these ducks are eating less. Because with Mattie, we would bring loaves of bread and stacks of crackers with us to feed the whole duck population on the Island.

Fall on Roosevelt Island!

Before Peter and I went out today, we were trying to locate Patches. We searched high and low for her and finally Peter found her in Mattie's closet sitting on a piece of luggage. The irony of this is Patches HATES luggage. When she sees us packing she gets edgy and anxious. So the fact that she went to sit on a bag today fascinates me. However, Patches spends a great deal of time in Mattie's room.

Peter and I met Ann and her family today at their church. Ann had a memorial mass in honor of her brother and father, who both died in October. Attending mass is not an easy endeavor for Peter and I. I believe some people turn to God for strength and comfort during and after cancer. However, I am still struggling with how God allows children to get cancer, suffer, and die. The cliche.... with God all things are possible, did not play out too well with Mattie. So spirituality is something that I continue to personally struggle with. Yet I know that today's mass meant something to Ann and Mary (her mother), so we most definitely wanted to support them.

One of Mattie's HEM/ONC nurses, Melba, attends Ann's church. Each time we go to church with Ann, we see and reconnect with Melba. Today was no different. We spoke with Melba, her husband, and son after mass, and Melba told me about a teen at the Hospital who just lost his cancer battle yesterday. I do not think this is something any of us can ever get over hearing about, and I could tell Melba was deeply upset about this loss. Melba was one of Mattie's night nurses, and she was an absolute peach. I told her today that I don't know how she does the work that she does, but that I am glad she does it. It takes a special person to be a HEM/ONC nurse. Not everyone is cut out for this type of profession. It requires the right balance of skill and compassion and as a parent who fought the battle right along side of Mattie, I can rightfully say that without fine nurses we would have never survived. These women became our family and helped us under the most horrific conditions. Cancer bound us together, and though we do not see each other as often or at all, this connection remains within us. Seeing Melba today reminded us of this.

Nonetheless, today was challenging. It is sometimes difficult to have to face our reality. Our reality is we live in a world filled with parents and children, and yet we walk around with our child only in our hearts. At times this discrepancy between us and others is painful and overwhelming to accept. After mass, we went with Ann and our friend Tanja to an Oktoberfest held at a local school. Tanja was born and raised in Germany, so I asked her about the origin of Oktoberfest. I had NO idea that the original festivities occurred as a result of a royal wedding. I included some information about Oktoberfest below which I found very interesting.

Crown Prince Ludwig, later to become King Ludwig I, was married to Princess Therese of Saxony-Hildburghausen on 12 October 1810. The citizens of Munich were invited to attend the festivities held on the fields in front of the city gates to celebrate the happy royal event. The fields were renamed Theresienwiese ("Theres'a Fields") to honor the Crown Princess, although the locals have since abbreviated the name simply to "Wiesn." Horse races in the presence of the royal family marked the close of the event that was celebrated as a festival for the whole of Bavaria. The decision to repeat the horse races in subsequest years gave rise to the tradition of Oktoberfest. In 1811, an added feature to the horse races was the first Agricultural Show, designed to boost Bavarian agriculture. The horse races, which were the oldest - and at one time - the most popular event of the festival are no longer held today. But the Agricultural Show is still held every three years during the Oktoberfest on the southern part of the festival grounds.  In the first few decades, the choices of amusements were sparse. In 1818, the first carousel and two swings were set up. Visitors were able to quench their thirst at small beer stands, which grew rapidly in number. In 1896 the beer stands were replaced by the first beer tents and halls set up by the enterprising landlords with the backing of the breweries. The remainder of the festival site was taken up by a fun-fair. The range of carousels offered was already increasing rapidly in the 1870's as the fairground trade continued to grow and develop in Germany.

While at Oktoberfest, Ann brought along her friend's preschooler. This little girl is perhaps four years old. At one point I took her on the playground to play while others were waiting on line to get us food. On the playground, I helped her on the swings, the slide, and then finally I noticed she was interested in the obstacle courses made of hay that two little boys were assembling. When I asked her if she wanted to play with the two boys, she nodded her head.... yes! So I went over to the two boys (who were NOT unlike my Mattie and his buddy Zachary) and introduced them to the little girl. I had them all exchange names and then asked them whether she could join in their play, since she really liked what they were doing. They seemed to like the compliment and the next thing I knew we too were participating in the construction of the obstacle course and then running through it. Raising Mattie taught me two very important skills on the playground.... one is how to get other kids to talk to each other and buy into each others play scenarios and two, I am very good at reading the physical cues of children. Some are more shy, timid, or unsure of their physical abilities. They want to participate, but may need physical support to do this. This little girl was younger than the two boys she decided to play with, so she couldn't climb and jump from some of the obstacles they created without having a hand to support her. The whole playground experience today reminded me of my time with Mattie, and I can personally feel a level of conflict within myself. One part of me would like to isolate myself completely from children and their families and the other part misses it and gets some sort of satisfaction from these interactions. So at the end of the day, I am left feeling confused and at times upset.

While writing the blog tonight, Peter was working outside in our garden and when he came back inside he asked how I was doing. It did not take long for me to respond in tears. We did go for a walk together and on our journey this grasshopper jumped out at me. I couldn't help but naturally jump and then laugh. Another Mattie sign, sent in bug format!