Thursday, November 24, 2011Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008, before Mattie's second limb salvaging surgery. To me this picture captures the essence of the Thanksgiving Day spirit. Despite having cancer, despite the fact that Mattie felt different, isolated, and sick most days, he was thankful to have Peter and I in his life. His smile at me, through the camera, says that and more. Mattie was an extraordinary child, because even though he was living hell on earth, and experienced pain that only the rest of us can imagine, he wasn't a complainer. He never had a woe is me attitude, I am not sure every child or person could have handled his diagnosis with the same courage and strength. Mattie, as his name implies, was a gift. For his presence in our lives, we are very grateful.
Quote of the day: We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. ~ Thornton Wilder
I will always vividly recall our last Thanksgiving with Mattie. As is true at most hospitals, we were discharged right before the holiday. Hospitals try very hard to get patients home for the holidays, as long as patients are not in a critical condition. Being home for us was just as, if not more, complex as living in the hospital. At least in the hospital we had back up and support. At home, it was just us playing nurse, doctor, mom and dad, and playmate. It was an impossible task, and on top of that we were physically exhausted. Mattie was released right before Thanksgiving, however, all three limbs of his had been operated on, he was in a great deal of pain, and basically immobilized. Our living room turned into a hospital room, with a commode and hospital bed where our couch used to be. In fact, I dislike spending Thanksgiving in our home, and typically won't even turn on the TV to watch the Macy's Parade. The last parade I watched was with Mattie and he was feeling absolutely miserable. He was SO depressed that day, and Peter and I were jumping and doing somersaults to entertain him, but despite our greatest efforts, we couldn't cheer Mattie up. His sadness was very pervasive and it bore a hole right through me. So I begin each Thanksgiving, with these memories, and reflect on the feelings we felt in 2008.
Patches, our calico cat, was thrilled to have Peter home today. So much so, that she decided to capture his attention by sitting on the newspaper he was reading. Peter and I were invited to celebrate Thanksgiving with our friend Tamra and her family. Tamra's daughters, Louise and Meredith, attend college and are home on break. Both girls became friends with Mattie during his cancer battle and came to our home several times to give us a break for a few hours while they would engage and play with Mattie. In fact, they created a creative game in which he was named, Matticus Brownus. Mattie loved it and he enjoyed his time with the girls.
Tamra invited us to attend a wonderful Thanksgiving Day lunch at her club. We were honored to be included as part of her family today and to have the opportunity to get out of our home and do something different. Something that did not remind us of Mattie. In fact, I think having a Thanksgiving meal outside of a home environment worked quite well for us. Somehow having holiday celebrations in people's homes just emphasize exactly what we are missing. Which only compounds the feelings of being different and magnifies our feelings of loss. However, being in the club today, made it feel like a special day, and a day we could acknowledge our thanks. We are grateful to have special friends, but it wasn't a setting that set me off or has left me feeling particularly vulnerable tonight.
At lunch, we had the opportunity to catch up with Meredith and Louise (who are pictured with me). These are both very bright, eloquent, and engaging young women, who also have a great sense of humor. We had a great discussion on all sorts of things, including pies and desserts, one of my favorite topics! 
After our lunch, Peter and I went for a walk on Roosevelt Island. We had six sightings on the Island today.... an eagle, a great blue heron, ducks, a cardinal, a woodpecker, and deer. The beauty of a pileated woodpecker is that you can hear it before you can see it. Here is the amazing picture Peter took of the pileated woodpecker, the largest woodpecker in America, almost crow sized. Adult males (like the one pictured here) have a red line from the bill to the throat. The call sounds like a wild laugh. Its drumming can be very loud, often sounding like someone striking a tree with a hammer.
In honor of Mattie, I took a picture of his ducks!
I haven't seen deer in quite some time on the Island. As we were in the last stretch of the trail, we spotted three deer and one baby. They were an incredible Thanksgiving sight. 
We saw this adorable baby deer, and I couldn't help but see this cutie and think of Mattie. Mattie would have absolutely loved this sight, and most likely would have said..... "there is a deer family, with a mommy, daddy, and the baby. Just like us!"Despite not being a phone person, I had the opportunity to connect with my parents today and my lifetime friend, Karen. In a way, I was happy to have these connections, because it is vital to feel like I am a part of a family, even though the most important member is no longer with us.
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