Sunday, November 20, 2011Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2008, in the Lombardi Cancer Center at Georgetown Hospital. Jenny and Jessie (Mattie's art therapists) knew Mattie loved Scooby Doo, and therefore they traced a Scooby scene on a ceiling tile and told us we could paint in the details. Mattie was thrilled because how often can you paint on the ceiling? In fact, Mattie was one of the first artists in clinic to get a ceiling tile, and this tile still exists in the clinic today. Last week when we went to Georgetown for its annual remembrance service Peter went into the clinic to snap a picture of the tile. I remember painting this tile with Mattie as if it were yesterday. All the art projects kept us focused, busy, and working together. Though Jenny and Jessie are no longer at Georgetown, their presence remains with me always. They are gifted, talented, and compassionate women who made a huge difference in our lives.
Quote of the day: Life is the first gift, love is the second, and understanding is the third. ~ Marge Piercy
My friend Charlie sent me this quote a couple of days ago. However, when I received it I wasn't ready to post it. Typically I post a quote each night that either speaks to me, or is capturing my feelings and thoughts for the day. Piercy's quote does just that for me on this grey Sunday. Life maybe the first gift we receive from our parents, and if you are lucky enough somewhere along our life's journey, you may find the second gift....love. Love from a partner and/or a friend. However, the third gift is in my opinion MUCH, MUCH harder to not only receive but also to give. Understanding another person's feelings and thoughts takes a great deal of energy, time, patience, and ability to step out of one's self and enter the world of the person in front of you. It is a hard concept to teach, which is why in my opinion educating therapists is extremely challenging. Because in many ways, understanding and empathy are either skills and abilities that you are born with or not.
I will try to explain my latest frustration and it is my hope that those who are reading my words can put my thoughts and feelings into context without taking it personally. There are times when I socialize with others and I feel absolutely like I am living on another planet. Today was one of those days. My internal struggle is trying to live in a world in which the majority of people do not know what it is truly like to have lost a child to cancer. Instead, most parents are raising physically healthy children and their upsets revolve around developmental issues and challenges. I am clearly not belittling this, because when I was once a part of the healthy world, I too worried, focused, and needed to process these everyday concerns. I get that and embrace that, and try to absorb the content that others talk to me about. However, I am a person who feels deeply and sometimes I literally want to scream over what I am hearing about. I think we live in a very competitive part of the country, where children do not have a minute to themselves and are placed in circumstances that most adults wouldn't want to be faced with on a regular basis. We do this in hopes of what?? So our children will get into good colleges, be a competitive part of the job market, etc.... Again, I get all of that really, but I guess I have seen a side of life most people haven't. I have seen that childhood can be taken away in an instant and I also hear stories on a regular basis of the traumas children are living with each day as they are fighting for their lives either in hospitals or in their communities. These children are asking themselves whether their lives are worth living, whether they have a purpose in life, and whether they will ever be normal again. How can I possibly hear and see these tragic things and not get upset, frustrated, and feel isolated when I hear others' everyday concerns? I wish I could impress upon parents how lucky they are to have these everyday concerns, how lucky they are that they can talk to other parents about their feelings and thoughts and be UNDERSTOOD!!!! Because the alternative of these everyday concerns, is what Peter and I live with each and every day.
It may seem as if I am angry and do not channel my feelings in a positive way. However, again, I can assure you that I wouldn't agree with this statement. Walk a day in my shoes, and I would imagine this would be an eye opener for many. I so wish parents would see the benefits of nurturing other qualities in their children, rather than introducing them to one competitive event after another, being over programmed, and in the process disconnected from the more meaningful things in life. The things that really matter. I realize I can keep writing and standing on my soap box about this, but I am also quite aware of the fact that such mindset changes require introspection and also exposure to a life changing experience.
One thing is quite clear though, socializing for Peter and I is difficult. Which is why we continue to limit our exposure to this, because in the end it only makes us feel more disconnected from others and the world around us. For us life will never be normal, we know too much, and have seen way too much. What may be the norm for most families, is no longer the norm for us. Our challenges are very different and therefore so are our views of the world. Perhaps what I am writing isn't easy or understandable to read, but I do appreciate you visiting the blog and absorbing my thoughts for the day.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "I was so overwhelmed by the emotion and comments shared by and with you over these last few days. We all know that this is beyond your personal investment, it is propelled by a little Angel named Mattie. You are the parents that many aspire to and few reach in a lifetime. I couldn't listen to the links yet because the intensity of what Vicki and you spoke about at Thursday night's dinner was so intense. I will go back to listen and reread the passages I didn't get to yet. I thought Dr. Bob's project was brilliant and obviously the groups were very dedicated to their class and mission. Bravo on your walk around DC and reconnecting with your Clyde's friends. I remember our dinner in Alexandria fondly. With love and a hug to both of you."
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