Monday, December 10, 2012Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. We took Mattie to Florida for Christmas that year and one of our adventures took us on a fan boat through part of the everglades. Mattie got to see alligators in the wild and he loved it. After we went on the fan boat ride, we walked around the property where the fan boat company was located. On display they had an older version of a fan boat. Mattie climbed right aboard the boat, and I naturally snapped a picture capturing that moment in time.
Quote of the day: We all have an old knot in the heart we wish to untie. ~ Michael Ondaatje
I have lost track of time, but I am pretty sure that right after Thanksgiving I developed a migraine and bladder issues. Weeks later, the battle continues. I started antibiotics last week, but they aren't helping. So I head back to the doctor tomorrow. I do find it interesting that post Mattie's death my physical issues center around my head and bladder. I think it is ironic because before I gave birth to Mattie, I never had a migraine or issues with my bladder. EVER! However, in labor I developed a headache that was beyond bearable. From that moment in time, I get periodic migraines and have daily chronic headaches. In fact since the day Mattie was born, April 4, 2002, I have never had a headache free day. I do not know what it feels like not to have a headache. This may sound far fetched, but 2% of the US population are like me. We are rare, but we exist, and there is NO known effective treatment for people like me. Not unlike my headache, soon after Mattie's birth, my bladder began acting up. If you have never had bladder pain, consider yourself blessed. Many doctors feel that giving birth to Mattie changed things chemically in my body. Yet my bladder condition was under control by the time Mattie was over one year of age. I could consider myself lucky that my bladder was stable for so many years. However, a month after Mattie died, havoc ensued again. Besides dealing with intense grief my bladder began to make me very sick. Now three years later, the physical issues continue. It is almost like a physical reminder that I had Mattie. Feeling ill does accomplish one thing quickly. It makes me stop, reflect, and assess how I am doing. This of course is a daunting type of assessment for a parent who lost their only child to cancer. I come from a profession where reflection is key and healthy, but I have to admit such self awareness is not always a blessing.
To my surprise, I received a gift in the mail today. It was from the Hospital for Sick Children in DC. Some of my readers may recall that in November, Peter and I presented at their palliative care conference. One of the ways they thanked us for our time was by sending me this lovely butterfly chime. The butterflies are made out of metal, they shimmer and shine, and when they move, they have the most angelic sound. The butterfly is the Hospital's symbol, but the staff was happy to hear how much I appreciate the butterfly too. When I went to the conference that day, I had a butterfly pin on my coat. The staff admired the pin, and I explained to them that I think about Mattie whenever I see a butterfly. This butterfly chime came to me wrapped in beautiful butterfly paper and with a beautiful butterfly card. For now the chime will remain inside and I will find a special home for it in our garden when spring comes.
No comments:
Post a Comment