Thursday, August 29, 2013

Thursday, August 29, 2013

 

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. Actually even seeing this photo makes me laugh. I can recall this evening like it were yesterday. Mattie was in one of his more humorous and playful moods. So he decided to try to get the attention of nurses or whomever would walk passed his door. He accomplished this by making rubber glove balloons and literally using them as dancing turkeys in front of his PICU room window. This window faced out into the hallway. I can assure you at first he startled people walking by because in such a serious environment they weren't expecting to see dancing turkeys. Remember Mattie had only been in the hospital for a month at that point. However, it did not take the hospital staff long to get to understand and appreciate Mattie.

 

 

Quote of the day: Having a vested interest in other souls unconditionally creates a ripple effect that produces miracles in the lives of those around us. ~ Molly Friedenfeld

 

 

I have had the opportunity to read through several resources this week as it pertains to coping with the loss of a child. Many of them have come to me in the mail and I felt compelled to glance through them at least. While paging through the articles several words caught my attention, such as "new normal" and "getting over" grief! I did not think it was possible for me to hate anything MORE than NEW NORMAL, but I found a runner up and that is "getting over" grief. Are you kidding me? Like grief is a cold or the flu and you can take two aspirin, rest, and feel better in the morning!! I sometimes wonder about where on earth this terminology comes from. It is insulting when I find that mental health professionals use these terms, but I get down right incensed when I find fellow bereaved parents using them as well! Naturally they are using them because they are all over the literature. Yet just because it is in print and perhaps footnoted doesn't make it valid!!!!

 

Soon after Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, I was introduced to the concept of "new normal." Chances are you have heard of this term. If not, just Google "new normal and cancer" and you will see ALL sorts of things pop up. In theory the concept makes sense, because once diagnosed you would love things to return to normal. Normal being what your world looked like seconds before hearing you or your child has cancer. However, after a diagnosis, you quickly surmise that this normal life of yours is gone, yet those around you try to give you hope with the notion that you can create a new normal. A new way of living, while integrating cancer into your world. Even when I heard this for the first time, my gut reaction was REALLY???!!! How about you spend a couple of hours watching Mattie suffer with this horrific cancer process and we will see what you think of new normal. I always found the term condescending and insulting. In particular, I feel it was a term created to falsely wrap a bow around a present one never asked to receive (cancer). To me new normal implies that I had some sort of control or desire for the change, which of course I didn't in 2008 during Mattie's diagnosis and I am not sure I have any more control over things now in 2013, with Mattie gone from our lives.

 

The word control is an interesting one to me too. I know that how I live and lead my Foundation life may be quite different than how I live my personal life. With Foundation work, I am forced to deal with deadlines, commitments, and interactions with others. If I did not, there would be NO Foundation. However, the things that propel me forward with the Foundation, aren't quite the same motivators in my personal life. It is a hard dichotomy to describe, and yet I know I am living it.

 

To me "getting over" grief is the same cutesy terminology as "new normal." Again it is a false bow put on a very unpleasant package. But why are people so in a hurry for us to get over our grief? Is it for us or for them? Who does our grief really bother?! As a parent who lost a child to cancer, I can turn to diversions, stay busy, get reinvested in activities and people, but the bottom line is I wont be getting over my grief. Perhaps this is a conscious decision on my part, but I know that getting over my grief implies to me a host of negative connotations, of which at the core would mean am I over Mattie? This is also one of the many games grief plays on one's mind because as time moves forward, the ability to recall memories, sounds, and smells of your child fade. The fading is just as hurtful as the grieving itself.

 

My friend Charlie sent me tonight's article which was written by a licensed counselor. Some articles have set me off this week, but this one resonated with me because at the heart of the matter it explained why "getting over" grief on someone else's time line isn't a good plan.

 

How Culture Stops Mourners from Healing

Written by Larry M. Barber, LPC-S, CT in the grief survival guide “Love Never Dies: Embracing Grief with Hope and Promise”

 

Our death denying culture continues to send the message to mourners that the healthiness of an individual’s grief is to be measured by how quickly and proficiently the mourner “gets over” the loss and moves into a productive life. I remember a co-worker who was supported by our employer while her husband went through months of chemotherapy to fight cancer. Once her husband died and weeks passed, she was fired because of a lack of productivity.

The wells of compassion for that mourner had gone dry when her grief continued too long. Unfortunately this example is typical of our culture and the corporate, bottom-line world. In our competitive, achievement-oriented culture, grief and mourners are seen as inefficient.

I am sorry if my views seem a little harsh and pessimistic, but too many mourners starting their life path into healthy mourning and healing have their grief short-circuited by our culture. The problem is that our society considers talk about death and grief as morbid and taboo. Living in an atmosphere where grief emotions and mourning are stifled we mourners sometimes feel forced to carry unexpressed grief and unresolved issues concerning a loss throughout our lives.

Most friends and advisors around the mourner give advice with one of two goals in mind. First, well-intentioned advisors want to comfort the mourner out of his or her grief. Everyone hates to see another person in pain. We naturally want to fix the person and make everything all right. Mourners are not broken, and they cannot be fixed or set straight by platitudes, inspirational thoughts and unsolicited advice. Often mourners are in too much pain to be able to hear the comfort in these attempts to influence their grief. Mourners want to be heard and have their stories and experiences affirmed rather than solved or judged.

Second, advisors around the mourner actively seek to shut down the grief process because they do not understand or empathize with the mourner’s need to remember, to experience grief, to adapt to a new reality and to heal. These advisors include the well-intentioned and the uninformed that simply do not know what to do with mourning people. These advisors also include those who do not want to be reminded of the harsh truths of dying, death and bereavement. The majority of our society knows that they all will die and that they all will say good-bye to loved ones in this life. They simply do not want to be reminded of those facts. The open expression of grief reminds them of death’s inevitability.

Experiencing the death of someone we love causes us mourners to review our beliefs and our personal understanding of death, dying and loss. Our loss experience can cause us to prepare for our inevitable end and for the life which still lies ahead for us. When our grief is short-circuited, we are robbed of the possibilities of navigating grief in a healthy fashion and of seeing life and death with a meaningful perspective.