Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. Notice the cardboard box in the background! This was NOT atypical for us. Always, despite the SMALL nature of Mattie's hospital room, we had boxes piled up all over the place. These were boxes used for creativity purposes and building. In fact, even markers weren't just used to color things. As you can see here Mattie connected the markers to build!!! Mattie was about the process of building creatively and thinking outside the box. But his enthusiasm was contagious and he had a way of pushing his playmates (regardless of age!) to also think big, boldly, and with imagination.
Quote of the day: We may not have the ability to change all of the world's wrongs, but we can make a difference where we are. ~ Dillon Burroughs
I spent a good portion of today glued to the computer. I am working on one of the many literature reviews I am doing for our Foundation's national psychosocial standard of care project. I wouldn't be able to do such work if I hadn't spent many years at the George Washington University conducting research and getting a higher degree. When people ask me if I feel bad that I am not using my degree or whether I miss my field, I correct them. Because in my perspective, I am using my degree creatively and actively!
However, in order to conduct such extensive literature reviews, I need access to academic databases. These are not something one can get access to through the Internet, without being connected to an institution of higher learning. In all reality, since I no longer teach at the University, it would be more than fair for them to deny me access to their on-line system. However, my department (which I taught in for years) has enabled me to stay connected to the University by deeming me a research scholar and fellow. I frankly do not care what they call me, as long as I am able to continue the work that I am doing. Needless to say I am grateful for this vital resource, a resource that would be challenging and financially prohibitive to secure on my own!
Switching gears, last week, I came across a resource on-line for parents who lost an only child. The name of the organization is called Alive Alone. Losing a child is a nightmare, but I have found losing an only child is beyond devastating. As Alive Alone states, "the death of an only child compounds bereavement. You experience similar problems and pain as bereaved parents with surviving children. However being childless deepens the heartache as you confront the future. You no longer have someone in whom you can invest your love, time, energy and resources. Knowing that you might never again be a parent or have grandchildren makes you different than other bereaved parents. You are no longer an active parent and that is what makes being childless so unique. Generally speaking, it seems to take a longer period of time for those bereaved parents with no surviving children to reinvest in life than those who have surviving children."
I have learned since Mattie's death to take in information that is helpful to me, process it, and also sift out advice and other things which I deem as not helpful. I have to admit it has taken me years to figure this out, and at times I can still get my feelings hurt. Alive Alone sent me a booklet and within it, it discusses different outlets of support. One of which is through journaling, another is through attending a support group, or identifying with someone else who understands the complexities of grief and has experienced it personally. In fact, many books, including this booklet say that it is important to read books on grief and loss and to attend a support group. Neither of these options worked well for me. Perhaps in time, I will be open to them, but I haven't related to one book on loss yet and frankly attending groups can be a hit or miss given the dynamics and camaraderie within the group. I remember going to my first and last group session in 2009, in which parents were literally competing for floor time and practically insinuating that their circumstances were worse than the next family's story. TOTALLY NOT helpful, and all that proceeded to do for me was build up my anger and hostility over the whole situation!
Coping with the loss of a child is a unique experience for each parent. What works for one person may not necessarily work for another, so when guidebooks are prescriptive, a red flag goes off in my head. The things that I have found so far helpful through my grief journey are: walking (and exercise), talking about Mattie and my feelings, creating something (and some of my faithful readers will most likely remember all the items I designed early on after Mattie's death -- jewelry, flowers, costumes, etc....), and connecting with other people and being needed. So far these things haven't changed, they have remained consistent, and I consider myself fortunate to have figured even this much out so far.
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