Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Given Mattie's face and that he was sitting on a stretcher, I know without a doubt that he was waiting for his sedation team to take him for a scan. When Mattie first entered Georgetown to be officially diagnosed in July of 2008, his oncologist believed that Mattie could sit through grueling scans without sedation. Keep in mind that some of Mattie's MRIs were two hours long. An MRI is daunting for an adult but it is harrowing for a child who is already anxious about all the changes in his life. In the beginning Mattie was also experiencing horrific bone pain from the cancer. So in all reality, sitting for scans, which are scary and confining, was torture for him. Which was why after the first set of scans, Mattie was introduced to Debbi, his sedation nurse angel. After that point, Mattie was sedated for every scan he was required to take. Naturally that comes with certain risks, but the mental health alternative was just as costly.
Quote of the day: I am grateful for the magic, mystery and majesty of nature – my loyal friend and companion – always there, welcoming and waiting for me to come; to be healed. ~ Tom North
Have you ever heard of Joel Osteen? I know I never had until a quote by him was spotted on Facebook today. Apparently Mr. Osteen is a preacher and televangelist. So put that into perspective. I believe this fellow was quoted on Facebook today because people were looking for some inspiration and wanted to post something that would get us to think about our own decisions, actions, and interpersonal connections.
However given that the author of this quote is a preacher, I have to say that I am THOROUGHLY troubled by what he said and even more perplexed that he thought his message would be uplifting and inspiring to any of us. Here is the quote I am referring to...........
We are responsible for helping and encouraging others, for guiding them further along, but we are not responsible for their choices. If they want to live unhappy, that’s their choice. Don’t allow them to bring you down with them.
As a person in the helping profession, it would be my hope that a preacher is NOT teaching us to WALK AWAY when the going gets tough. That people are dispensable if they do not follow our advice and heed our words. Naturally I am not naïve, I realize there are situations in life in which we sometimes get involved with toxic people. Meaning people who may not be good for us, do not have our best interest at heart, and in fact do hurtful things to us. I am NOT talking about such circumstances here. Unfortunately when such toxicity enters our lives, I do believe that the only way to seek emotional stability is to cut out the relationship. Not unlike a surgeon who cuts away cancer from the body. But this is not the dire type of circumstances I believe this quote is referring to. Instead, when I read this quote my immediate reaction is to reflect upon those of us who lost a child to cancer. Since this is the scope of this blog and this is the lens in which I view my world, it makes sense that I would apply such a quote to my own life. When I do apply the quote to my own situation and my own context, I actually despise it!
What do I mean? Well I would have to say that within the first year after Mattie died, those around me wanted to help and wanted to encourage my daily existence. The motivation for this behavior could range from people feeling gravely sorry for my loss, to those who just couldn't handle the notion of a child dying and therefore wanted to give me diversions, things to live for, and in essence make me happy and have hope. However the loss of a child is not an easy fix and therefore I did not bounce back to who I was even a year after Mattie died. Despite how hard some may have tried! For all arguments sake, I am four years into Mattie's loss, and I am well aware of the fact that the precancerous Vicki isn't coming back. This reality scared several of my close friends and believe it or not I lost them. That is a book chapter in and of itself, so I am not elaborating on this here. But in essence Osteen's quote played out in my life. When friends couldn't make me happy and instead saw that I continued to feel guilty about the notion of ever being happy again and for continuing to live without Mattie, they walked away. It was deemed by them to be my choice to remain this way and therefore they did not want my state to further bring them down. It seems to me that Osteen is saying that it is okay for us to do this to each other. That it is okay to abandon those around us for our own happiness. I was stunned when friends of almost 15 years severed our friendship after Mattie died, and I am equally stunned to hear that a preacher of all people is spouting such a doctrine.
When I talk to people now who are trying to help parents grieve the loss of a child, my number one message is to NEVER walk away. Never give up the connection you have with your friend. Keep the dialogue open, make sure your friend knows you still care, that you know the loss of a child is a life long process, and that you are there for them now and into the future. It is only by having steadfast people by a parent's side through the grieve journey that some sort of healing, coping, and the inventing of a new self emerges.
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