Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2003. This was by far Mattie's favorite mode of transportation. Being on Peter's back! I suspect a lot of it had to do with the fact that this gave Mattie a bird's eye view and his feet could dangle and be free. Seeing this photo always reminds me of how we used to spend our weekends. Despite the weather, we always took Mattie outside. Mattie responded to fresh air and was intrigued by nature. The irony is before I had Mattie, none of these things truly interested me. But with Mattie, I developed a love for nature and the beauty and freedom that only being outdoors can give you.
Quote of the day: Start by doing the necessary, then the possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible. ~ Francis of Assisi
Last night I learned that I apparently can text message as much and as effectively as a 17 year old! Peter was watching a Patriots game on TV, and in the process was text messaging back and forth with our nephew, Nat, in Boston. Peter told Nat that I finally got an iphone and with that Nat sent me a message. If I had any doubt that I couldn't figure out touch screen technology, my conversation with Nat last night convinced me that all my fears were unfounded. Literally we typed back and forth with each other for almost two hours. The messages were flying and as such I told Peter that I finally met my match. There was someone else out there who enjoyed chatting by text messaging just as much as me. Needless to say this was a good way to start my first day with the iphone and of course it was lovely to hear, "I love you Aunt Vicki!"
A while ago my dad sent me the above quote by St. Francis. As I reflect upon it tonight, St. Francis was in essence in my opinion talking about grief. Goodness knows we have been inundated in the world of bereavement by Kubler-Ross' stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). I do think Kubler-Ross greatly contributed to the field but unfortunately her stages have been taken out of context over the years because she never designed them to help people suffering from a death. Nonetheless, pop culture has applied her work to all of us grieving and literally our society expects us to follow a very linear pathway to healing. If it only worked that way!!! The beauty of St. Francis' quote however it is aptly and succinctly illustrates the pathway of grief. A pathway I suspect applies to many who have lost a child as well as anyone who has lost an important person in their lives.
St. Francis' keywords are: necessary, possible, and the impossible. To me this is brilliant simplicity. In the beginning phases of intense grief even accomplishing the NECESSARY is a feat. The necessary in my book is getting up, showering, eating, and managing one's most basic tasks of living. Over time, as the necessary becomes ingrained in our lives again, we find that we are more open to other POSSIBilities. Possibilities may come in different shapes and sizes depending on who we are and our circumstances. For me my possibilities came in the form of attending a zumba class, meeting new friends, becoming invested in other activities, and helping others. At first my helping involved assisting my friend's parents who were ill, but what I found was through helping this enabled me to re-engage with the world. That I was needed for some other purpose, a purpose that I hadn't thought about before.
As I became invested in the possible, eventually it helped me do the IMPOSSIBLE. Which from my perspective is to advocate for children with cancer and their families. Not only advocate but to try to tangibly make a difference in their cancer journey. There is one caveat here too, because to me NO ONE truly ever graduates from the NECESSARY to the POSSIBLE, and then to the IMPOSSIBLE. Rather, I would say that we can revisit any of these points in time, again and again. Why? Because many things can trigger feelings, emotions, hurt, sadness, and memories of our loved one. Sometimes we are prepared and can manage and other times we are unable to do so, and we feel set backs. Set backs which again make us feel that we can only do the NECESSARY! Living with grief means accepting that life has and will always have many set backs along the way.
Today we met our friends in cancer for lunch. Our friends lost their son in June of 2013. For them their loss is very raw and very fresh. I can remember these days all too well, days in which I wondered how we remained alive at all. Some days I felt like I was on autopilot. I think in the beginning of the grief process we all go through the quandary of whether we are grieving in the right way! At times it is hard to even decide if we are or aren't because we receive a lot of outside input, advice, and at times judgment from others. I lost track of the number of people who told me I needed counseling, I needed help, and the 1000 and one questions about moving on without Mattie. At times I took all of this to heart. Fortunately early on, I was able to consult with Mattie's social worker, Denise. I will never forget what Denise said to me. Basically Denise asked me why I thought I needed counseling...... for myself or because others told me this is what I should do. Denise was 100% correct! She understood that no matter how others wanted to understand and help me, they couldn't possibly get what I was dealing with and therefore shouldn't judge. It was that one simple sentence that Denise shared with me that empowered me.
Part of the battle with dealing with grief is to be able to battle your own internal dialogue and fears. Once I acknowledged them and accepted them, then honestly it became easier for me to know that my grief work must be self-directed. That no one has control over my feelings and how I should think or feel about Mattie's loss. I am not directed by my friends and what they feel I should do or act like, I am not directed by others grieving their own losses, and in a way this is all so freeing. It means that I am free to grieve like Vicki, how ever that looks, and I assure you it looks different at different times of the year.
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