Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2004. Mattie was my side kick at all times. If I went into the kitchen, there he would be! It is ironic that when you are a parent of an active (VERY active!!!) toddler, there are times that you wish for just two minutes of alone time. Time to catch your breath and sit still. As our children age, we quickly realize that these precious toddler and preschool years go by way too fast. Of course experiencing Mattie's death has only furthered my feelings that I made the right decision to be a full time mom so that I could spend my days with Mattie and not miss out on his short life and development.
Quote of the day: The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives. ~ Albert Einstein
My dad had to have day surgery procedure today. Since my parents live in Los Angeles, it does make it a bit harder to help and be supportive from a distance. Yet thanks to modern technology, my mom and I were in constant communication. But even day surgery lands up being just that..... A FULL DAY! Naturally before any surgery, and keep in mind the best surgery to have is NO SURGERY, one always feels anxious and scared. In our family, just entering a hospital can be traumatic. Which of course is the result of Mattie's cancer battle and death.
At one point today, my mom informed me that my dad finally made it into the recovery room. As I learned all too well from Mattie's three massive surgeries (some of which were over 8 hours long), the recovery process is almost worse than the surgery itself. But just the mention of "recovery" actually makes me very uneasy. It did because in my mind I can still picture Mattie in the recovery unit.
After Mattie's three surgeries, he was always taken to the PACU (Post-Anesthesia Care Unit). In my perspective the PACU is like a war zone and it requires a special team of nurses and physicians to work in this space. Mainly because people are waking up from anesthesia and a whole host of reactions can happen from that, both physically and psychologically. In addition to coming off of anesthesia, pain also set in.
Typically when Peter and I were called inside the PACU (which means going through a closed set of doors), I could hear Mattie screaming and crying all the way down the hallway. It is blood curdling and even worse to observe. Mattie was frightened, immobilized, and in tremendous pain. To top it off, you are surrounded by other patients. All around you! It is like one big room with a ton of hospital beds. So in essence you are experiencing the pain, but magnified. Magnified by every patient within the room! Seeing Mattie after limb salvaging surgery was overwhelming. Mattie was bandaged up, with drainage tubes everywhere, he was disoriented, agitated, crying, hooked up to several monitors, and the worst in pain. We not only had one of these experiences, we had THREE! So unfortunately when I hear recovery, I am taken back to 2008 and 2009 in the PACU of Georgetown University Hospital. I imagine some people think that over time these memories fade and they become easier. Unfortunately they don't!
Mind you parents are not always allowed in the PACU early on in the recovery process. But because we were so concerned, the wonderful staff within the PICU called down to the PACU and made our visiting possible. Certainly it was daunting for us to be there, but Mattie really needed us and frankly I think the staff was happy to have parents there to manage Mattie's fears and emotions.
Thankfully tonight as I write this my dad is on his way home and hopefully he will have a good night. I am just conditioned to think that surgery brings about pain, fear, and chaos. But I need to remind myself that not every surgery is like Mattie's, THANKFULLY!
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