Friday, January 17, 2014
Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2004.
This was SO Mattie! He was doing one of his favorite things.... building and creating with boxes! At an early age Mattie understood the art of using tape and even a glue gun. In fact, it was Mattie who taught me, since I never used a glue gun in my life. The irony is learning from Mattie, I can now create just about anything with a glue gun. Needless to say whenever I use a glue gun, I think of Mattie.
Quote of the day: We make our world significant by the courage of our questions and the depth of our answers. ~ Carl Sagan
When my alarm went off this morning, I was completely disoriented. Do not ask me the content of my dream or what I was even doing in it. All I can remember was that Mattie was in it. It actually seemed so real that when I woke up, I thought perhaps Mattie was really with me. I guess on some level he was/is! Soon after Mattie died, the incredible loss and longing for him was very intense. Not that I don't wish to see and experience Mattie now, I do, but the mind gets used to this physical loss. It is that part of losing a child that becomes ingrained in you over the years. I know Mattie died, he isn't coming back, and therefore, I won't be hearing his voice and footsteps (that too is part of the whole nasty loss picture). It takes time to get to that place, and through that journey there are unpleasant feelings and thoughts along the way. Yet having a dream like the one I awoke to today, in a way brings me back to my earlier days of grieving. Which is why I am quite sure that grief isn't predictable and most definitely not logical. There are days I feel as if I have mastery over my grief and then there are days when I feel like I am back to square one trying to determine how I am going to make it through the day, another week, or another year?!
This week I have been working on the Foundation's Combined Federal Campaign application (which is now off my plate and has been submitted!), planning for our February 13th think tank meeting in Tampa, FL, and beginning intense plans for our annual Foundation Walk on May 18th. But in the midst of that I will be teaching at the George Washington University in a week, trying to plan a keynote speech and I have also been invited to write a book chapter on psychosocial issues associated with childhood cancer. The chapter will include the importance of advocacy work and how parents play a vital role in treatment and beyond. This book is being edited by Mattie's surgeon and the focus of the book is sarcomas. Any one of these tasks I mentioned could keep me busy, but in totality, I am beginning to feel like I need a staff. I certainly know there would be no way I could accomplish what I am doing if I was working outside of the Foundation. When I reflect back on my role as President, from 2009 to now, I realize that it has been a steep educational curve and an adjustment process to transition from Mattie's mom to Mattie Miracle's president. These roles are NOT one in of the same, but for me back in 2009, I saw NO distinction.
I snapped this photo tonight because I wanted to share my latest glue gun creation. I transformed some white picture frames by adding sunflowers and glass pebbles to them. When Mattie was battling cancer, friends would visit (when I was home) and drop off sunflowers for me. I find the sunflower such a happy and strong flower. So I wanted to incorporate that memory into Mattie's room. I will never forget my sunflower gifts or the sentiments behind them. Also today while I was at the Hallmark store, I found this cute wooden frame saying..... love you to the moon and back! That saying immediately caught my attention because that is exactly what I always said to Mattie!!!
Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2004.
This was SO Mattie! He was doing one of his favorite things.... building and creating with boxes! At an early age Mattie understood the art of using tape and even a glue gun. In fact, it was Mattie who taught me, since I never used a glue gun in my life. The irony is learning from Mattie, I can now create just about anything with a glue gun. Needless to say whenever I use a glue gun, I think of Mattie.
Quote of the day: We make our world significant by the courage of our questions and the depth of our answers. ~ Carl Sagan
When my alarm went off this morning, I was completely disoriented. Do not ask me the content of my dream or what I was even doing in it. All I can remember was that Mattie was in it. It actually seemed so real that when I woke up, I thought perhaps Mattie was really with me. I guess on some level he was/is! Soon after Mattie died, the incredible loss and longing for him was very intense. Not that I don't wish to see and experience Mattie now, I do, but the mind gets used to this physical loss. It is that part of losing a child that becomes ingrained in you over the years. I know Mattie died, he isn't coming back, and therefore, I won't be hearing his voice and footsteps (that too is part of the whole nasty loss picture). It takes time to get to that place, and through that journey there are unpleasant feelings and thoughts along the way. Yet having a dream like the one I awoke to today, in a way brings me back to my earlier days of grieving. Which is why I am quite sure that grief isn't predictable and most definitely not logical. There are days I feel as if I have mastery over my grief and then there are days when I feel like I am back to square one trying to determine how I am going to make it through the day, another week, or another year?!
This week I have been working on the Foundation's Combined Federal Campaign application (which is now off my plate and has been submitted!), planning for our February 13th think tank meeting in Tampa, FL, and beginning intense plans for our annual Foundation Walk on May 18th. But in the midst of that I will be teaching at the George Washington University in a week, trying to plan a keynote speech and I have also been invited to write a book chapter on psychosocial issues associated with childhood cancer. The chapter will include the importance of advocacy work and how parents play a vital role in treatment and beyond. This book is being edited by Mattie's surgeon and the focus of the book is sarcomas. Any one of these tasks I mentioned could keep me busy, but in totality, I am beginning to feel like I need a staff. I certainly know there would be no way I could accomplish what I am doing if I was working outside of the Foundation. When I reflect back on my role as President, from 2009 to now, I realize that it has been a steep educational curve and an adjustment process to transition from Mattie's mom to Mattie Miracle's president. These roles are NOT one in of the same, but for me back in 2009, I saw NO distinction.
I snapped this photo tonight because I wanted to share my latest glue gun creation. I transformed some white picture frames by adding sunflowers and glass pebbles to them. When Mattie was battling cancer, friends would visit (when I was home) and drop off sunflowers for me. I find the sunflower such a happy and strong flower. So I wanted to incorporate that memory into Mattie's room. I will never forget my sunflower gifts or the sentiments behind them. Also today while I was at the Hallmark store, I found this cute wooden frame saying..... love you to the moon and back! That saying immediately caught my attention because that is exactly what I always said to Mattie!!!
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