Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old. I snapped this photo because Mattie's behavior intrigued me. Mattie was the ultimate multitasker and never watched TV by sitting on the couch or sitting still for that matter. I limited Mattie's TV viewing to certain DVDs and what I would call either educational or wholesome shows. Only certain things grabbed Mattie's attention such as Baby Einstein videos and Elmo on Sesame Street. Everything else Mattie was pretty oblivious to. Meaning that he would be processing what he was hearing, but his hands and body were busy building and designing something in the background. Why this photo is so unique to me is because it illustrated that something on the TV screen captured Mattie's attention so much so that he stopped what he was doing to walk up to the screen and to check it out in more detail.
Quote of the day: When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~ Viktor Frankl
Frankl maybe by far one of my all time favorite psychotherapists. I admire what he had to overcome, as a survivor of the Holocaust, and how he used his experiences to pioneer his own form of therapy. Techniques which are still used today. When I read Frankl's words, I find great meaning in them, so much so that I think any one of us can apply his quote to our own situation. We all are faced with things in life in which we find we have absolutely no control.
As human beings feeling out of control, unable to navigate one's life and destiny, is beyond problematic. It seems like we all navigate by this unspoken golden rule which is if we do all the right things and work hard, only good results will be the outcome. Unfortunately through Mattie's diagnosis and most definitely his death, I have experienced the reality, a reality which still remains quite daunting in my mind. The reality is that osteosarcoma was out of my control, modern medicine isn't so modern, and our society does not always understand and appreciate the grief of a parent for the death of a child. These are all facts, facts that I can not necessarily change. Which is why Frankl is correct to some extent that surviving means adapting and changing from within.
But change, as we all know, is difficult. Today I was invited to a birthday luncheon for a friend. When I looked at those in the email who were included at the luncheon, I realized I would be the ODD one out. Because all the women on the invitation list were part of a mom's group. Certainly women can talk about other things than their children, but an intact mom's group naturally talks about this subject matter. At one time I most likely would have gone to this luncheon, but I have learned over time that such venues don't always work well for me, and I also make some moms nervous. After all, they don't know what they can discuss around me. So the question is how does a person like myself who lost an only child integrate back into society? A society in which most of her friends have children. That was the one commonality I shared with several of my friends. Now what? I can't change my situation and I can't change how people will behave around me. So the only answer is to change myself. Which means either I can go to the luncheon and have different expectations and prepare myself, or not go at all.
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