Monday, June 16, 2014

Monday, June 16, 2014

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007. We took Mattie to Dutch Wonderland, a theme park in the heart of Amish Country (Pennsylvania) for Memorial Day weekend. This was Mattie's first roller coaster ride. I was quite scared that he went on this ride, since I am deathly afraid of roller coasters and have never been on one in my life! But Mattie wanted to try it, in fact he was intrigued! Not only did Mattie have a good time that day, but he went on the ride several times! This was where his love of roller coasters began, on Memorial Day 2007! I am so glad Peter loved roller coasters and that this was something they could do together! I know Peter was mapping out all sorts of parks around the Country to take Mattie to when he got older that had amazing roller coaster rides, but of course this adventure never came to fruition. 

Quote of the day: But what are loyalty and caring really worth? To me? Everything. ~ Richelle Mead


Today was a day of chores! Somehow I did everything but what I had set out to do. Which frustrated me to no end. On Thursday of this week, Peter and I are flying back to Columbus, Ohio. We have been invited to give a presentation about our National Initiative to create a psychosocial standard of care for childhood cancer. The Department of Health in the State of Ohio is very interested in hearing our talk and to have our presentation kick off their meeting, a meeting in which State officials will be discussing how to create a more comprehensive State cancer plan to address psychosocial issues. This is actually an historic meeting, because to the best of my knowledge no other State has a psychosocial cancer plan for pediatric patients. 

Coming back from vacation and getting ready for Ohio is one thing, but then I just learned last night that I apparently committed myself to give a two hour lecture on trauma and childhood cancer at the George Washington University on Saturday. Mind you I am flying to Ohio on Thursday and flying back on Friday evening. So Saturday's lecture was NO WHERE on my radar scope. Now I am scrambling to put this lecture together. The reason why this wasn't on my calendar is because this request came to me while I was in the midst of planning the Foundation Walk at the end of April. I remember when this request came to me I said that I would discuss the class and the specifics once my fundraiser was over. I never realized that the class date for me to present was already chosen and set! Somehow whatever little peace and rest I got while away, quickly dissipated today.     

Peter also continues to battle a horrific cough. So back on the phone today I went with the doctor's office. At this point, I am directing the doctor as to what I want, which is a chest x-ray of Peter's lungs. I want all things ruled out since antibiotics, sprays, and now inhalers aren't working! So hopefully tomorrow we move onto the x-ray. But for us, dealing with the medical community can be anxiety provoking and certainly returning to a hospital and getting any kind of scan is very challenging. Scans for us only ever meant one thing!

This afternoon, I snapped this photo of my kitchen window sill. It is something that I have looked at every day for years now. But today, I renamed my kitchen sill, my Margaret sill. Why? Because soon after Mattie died, Margaret began giving me these little angels. It became a thing between us, so much so that we used to exchange angels with each other. In a way, I think Margaret gave me the angels because she liked them. She collected them herself in her own home, but a part of her gave them to me as a symbol of Mattie watching over me. As my collection grew, I decided to put them on my window sill. I figured I would show them off, in hopes of them giving me strength and courage to make it through each day without Mattie. But in addition to the angels, Margaret also gave me a little boy angel made out of stone. Do you see him? He sits right next to the flower pot! Margaret got me this angel because she said he looked just like Mattie and when she saw him, she knew I needed to have him. Next to this boy angel is a flower pot. Mattie painted this flower pot in Margaret's class and he gave it to me for Mother's Day in 2006! In fact, the butterfly stick in the pot has his symbol on it, "Mattie Moon!" The butterfly suncatcher on the window and the silver metal moon hanging right next to it are also gifts from Margaret! I point all of this out because this is all by happenstance..... I did not decide one day to gather all of Margaret's gifts and assemble them together after she died. On the contrary. Margaret gave me these gifts to help me grieve the loss of Mattie! All these wonderful things have been in my home just like you see them, in this SAME arrangement for YEARS! I think what is eerie is what Margaret helped me put together to memorialize Mattie, I now also pause to reflect upon her, her life, the beauty of our friendship, and how my kitchen is filled with angels. In a way this is also a memorial to her. The significance of my window sill simply hit me today on so many levels.