Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. Mattie was two and a half years old and by that age, he got what Halloween was about. Though he still did not like the idea of a big, itchy, or uncomfortable costume, he agreed to another sweat suit type costume. Mattie and I both liked Winnie the Pooh, so as soon as he saw this costume, it resonated with him. The funny part about Mattie, was he liked the trick or treating activity, but could care less about getting the candy! In fact, whatever candy he got he normally gave it to others! Mattie was never into sweets, which made him the ideal trick or treating companion for his friends later in life! 


Quote of the day: Nothing you love is lost. Not really. Things, people–they always go away sooner or later. You can’t hold them anymore than you can hold moonlight. But if they’ve touched you, if they’re inside you, then they’re still yours. The only things you ever really have are the ones you hold inside your heart. ~ Bruce Coville


This evening Peter and I are headed to our friend, Janet's wake. I am not sure the last time I have been to a wake. I did not have one for Mattie and I am not a big fan of the process. I remember my father in law saying a long time ago to me that flowers are for the living. This is a saying that I have heard him use throughout my married life. However, I guess with age, I now get the greater significance of the statement. With regard to a loved one, the time to connect and share gifts are when you are living. Which makes you realize you shouldn't wait for tomorrow or the next day, or next year to make amends, to strengthen one's bond, or wait to tell or give something of importance. 

My first experience attending a wake, was when I was a teenager. I went to my paternal grandmother's wake and funeral. All I know is it was a vision I will never forget and remains with me today, as I am sure many people who attend open casket wakes understand. I know this maybe tradition, it perhaps is a way to pay tribute to the person who died, and most likely it gives loved ones who remain behind a visual reality of the loss. Yet last visions you have of a loved one, are sometimes hard to come to peace with, and therefore harder to remember the happier times with one another. 

I know this was true when we lost Mattie. We had 14 horrific months of cancer filling our minds and hearts. It took a very long time to process Mattie's battle emotionally, in order to be able to remember the times when he was healthy. The good times did not just jump back in my mind. Which is why when I hear those suffering the loss of a loved one tell me that they have to quickly put the bad memories behind them and remember the good. I pause and usually respond...... are you doing this because you want to, or are you doing this because this is what you think others in your life want you to be doing? If it is the latter, then I would rethink this. It is true that grief is a party and conversation stopper and it is also true that after the first year, many of us who have experienced a traumatic loss lose friends. That is the only natural order that occurs in a very unnatural loss. Yet blocking out or pushing aside what one experienced without addressing those feelings and emotions is problematic. Because somehow when you least suspect them, feelings and reflections have a way of surfacing. Being able to learn how to accept these set backs and also adjust to the changes in others around us are two keys to coping with grief over the long term.