Thursday, September 8, 2016

Thursday, September 8, 2016 -- Mattie died seven years ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2009. Mattie was home, between treatments and before his sternotomy. As you can see Mattie had a toy kitty sitting on his lap. Mattie missed having Patches around, but because we were rarely home we had to board Patches. Mattie received this kitty as a gift from Linda, his child life specialist, for accomplishing either a physical therapy task or complying with some form of treatment. This kitty gift was very important to Mattie and it still sits in Mattie's room even today. 





Quote of the day: I want to be a sunflower, so that even in the darkest of days, I will stand tall and find the sunlight.

Seven years ago our lives changed forever. Today marks the anniversary of Mattie's death. For those of you who wonder... NO it doesn't get easier in time. It changes and frankly gets more complex. In a way grief becomes like an appendage which you carry with you no matter where you go. Losing your child forever changes your identity, your future, how you see the world, and clouds every social interaction you have. Yet, grief isn't always understood by our society and appreciated for its significance.

It is hard to believe that Mattie has NOW been dead as long as he has been alive and each day moving forever, Mattie will be gone longer from our lives than he has been with us. It is a pain that never goes away and is ever present.

Peter and I posted several photos and comments on Facebook today and we received lots of feedback from friends but also parents who lost a child to cancer. Several of them appreciated my point about loss and grief..... which I am very blatant about. The grief doesn't end and the more we talk about it and share this fact with others, the better off some of us will be. We will know we are NOT alone and do not need to hide how we feel because not talking about our loss, serves no purpose, but instead builds up great frustration, stress, and anger. 

Over the weekend, Peter and I went to visit Mattie's Memorial Tree. We placed sunflowers and ribbon around the tree to mark Mattie's anniversary week. 

Then Sunny and I went out for marathon walks today. We first took a two mile walk around our home and then got into the car and traveled to Georgetown University Hospital. We ran into college students and medical personnel, all of whom fell in love with Sunny. 

As you can see Sunny gave me time by Mattie's paver. He actually sat right beside it! We are very thankful to our friend Tim for creating this paver for us. 

Yet I am saddened that many of the nurses and support staff that cared for Mattie are no longer at Georgetown. This mass exodus leaves another hole in our hearts, because they help us keep Mattie's memory alive. When the memory keepers leave an institution, then the institution is simply only walls, floors, and windows! 

From Georgetown University Hospital, we walked to Holy Trinity Church. This is the church where Mattie's funeral was held. In the church's garden there are memorial bricks. One of Mattie's preschool classmates had a grandmother who we were close to. Her name was Ann Glennon. When the kids were in preschool together, I had the opportunity to get to know Ann each day after school on the playground. She was a bright and energetic woman from Massachusetts, who was an educator and counselor. When Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, Ann would write to me amazing letters (a thing of the past!). Then when Mattie died, she became a big Mattie Miracle supporter and also donated a memorial brick in Mattie's honor to the church's garden. 

This is what the brick said.....
In Loving Memory 
Mattie Brown
King of the Legos
Classmate & Friend
Peace
Sam, Maddie, Ryan (Ann's grandchildren who went to school with Mattie)