Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Tuesday, January 17, 2017 -- Mattie died 383 weeks ago today. 


Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2005. This features another classic Mattie situation. Mattie loved bath time, so much so that after it was over, he wouldn't get out of the tub. Mattie never took a bath without a ton of toys in the bathtub with him. They weren't even tub toys, they could be vehicles, legos, or whatever he had in mind to build a play scenario around in the water.


Quote of the day: After you find out all the things that can go wrong, your life becomes less about living and more about waiting. ~ Chuck Palahniuk


Palahniuk's quote is so poignant. Anyone who has dealt with our health care industry knows all about the waiting game. You can get scanned and then have to wait what seems like an eternity to get the results. The stress of waiting for results can actually make you physically ill. It is hard to describe this unless you have been in such a circumstance. But for someone like myself who has seen the WORST go wrong (with Mattie getting cancer and dying), I find that I do live in fear that something bad is about to happen. After all, no one expects their six year old to visit the pediatrician with a sore arm, and a few hours later hear..... your child has cancer. This reality has changed my life forever, clouds how I look at every situation, and most certainly has taught me volumes about hospitals and their culture. 

Later this afternoon, my mom alerted me that my dad's doctor wanted him to have an emergency ct scan. Naturally that put all of us on the edge and until one gets results, the edge is where we will remain. I think not knowing sometimes is even worse than hearing the results. If that is even plausible. Not that there is much I can do, but being across the country is not a great place to be when issues arise such as these. I know all too well the power of support and what is needed to manage through these unbearable moments..... and here we wait.