Tonight's picture was taken at the end of June in 2008. Literally weeks before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. As you can see, we took Mattie for a walk on Roosevelt Island. That day Peter and Mattie climbed off the boardwalk and onto a fallen tree log. Needless to say, any adventure and especially breaking up the routine was always up Mattie's alley.
Quote of the day: But nothing makes a room feel emptier than wanting someone in it. ~ Calla Quinn
I think loss and grief are even more challenging to manage as time goes on. In fact the adage that time heals all wounds is simply ridiculous and it is a platitude that the rest of the world spits out at us just for levity purposes. Because the reality is...... time does the exact opposite.
Surely I can remember back to the first year of grief. Back then grief was physical. It permeated through every part of my body, and just doing the basics was the ultimate chore. However, during the first year, I was just trying to live.... to keep breathing, eating, sleeping, and getting dressed. That is really as good as it gets after losing a child. However, with time, I began to do these daily tasks by rote. No longer did I need help or coaxing to meet my physical needs. However, by year two, the reality of the loss was felt in a much more profound way.... both cognitively and emotionally. It is this later form of grief that takes over and STAYS. I would like to say thoughts and feelings lighten with each year from Mattie's death, but that would be untrue. In fact, I would say each year provides new and unexpected emotional challenges. Take today for example!
I met some friends today for lunch. Two of these women have children who just graduated from high school, and will be starting college in the Fall. I knew they wanted to go shopping after lunch, but I did not put two and two together....to equal... shopping for dorm room items. With me, I can go through the motions and look fine doing it. But it is after the activity is over, that I process what I just experienced and then trouble ensues. I can have a mixture of emotions, such as being sad that I will not have the opportunity to watch Mattie graduate high school, go to college, and do these normal activities. That is on one hand, but unfortunately there is another hand. The other hand is about anger and insensitivity. I can easily feel that people have set me up for these emotional falls, and wonder why they aren't more considerate. After all, if I can go shopping for dorm room items and share in that joy for them, why can't they in return reflect upon how such an activity affects me?
In the past, my anger would take over and I would or could lash out. Over the years though, I have learned that this can be counter productive. I realize I can never truly help people who have healthy children realize the scope or extent of my loss. I can't change them and at times when I have brought up these feelings, instead of providing insight, it somehow got turned back around on me as having the problem.
Therefore, the only thing I can do is control my own thoughts and feelings. So the question is how? I have two choices.... remove myself from such activities that could be perceived hurtful or participate and be faced to deal with the consequences on me. In reality, both of these answers are valid, and at times I apply one technique (avoidance) over the other (participation with emotional consequences) depending upon the circumstances and activity. With regard to today, if I understood the nature of our meeting today, I most likely would have chosen not to go. The only thing participating resulted in was making me see how different I am from everyone else.
No comments:
Post a Comment