Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2005. Mattie was almost three years old and as you can see, he and Peter were using plastic toy food to make funny faces. You may not recognize what face they were making, but they were showing me their "roach" face! Not my favorite creature, as Mattie knew all too well.
Quote of the day: The greatest evil is physical pain. ~ Saint Augustine
I can appreciate St. Augustine's quote. Though I realize emotional pain is equally challenging and perhaps more complicated because it isn't as well understood or seen. However, today I am feeling pain from one of my kidney stones. I am headed to see the nephrologist tomorrow, for additional testing and next steps. But he better have some answers. He is located at the hospital Mattie was treated at, so it is always eerie going there on a Tuesday. Of course everyone I interact with tomorrow at the hospital won't know this, or would take the time really to even hear my story. Nonetheless, the story comes with me and influences every medical interaction I have.
I had the opportunity today to have lunch with my friend Christine. Christine's son, Campbell, and Mattie were very close friends in kindergarten. They played beautifully together and brought out the best in one another. Of course through the process of their play, Christine and I had the opportunity to get to know each other over that year. We instantly clicked back then, so forming a friendship was not hard.
Now ten years after Mattie's death, we are still friends. Of course our friendship has changed, as we don't see each other all the time, our kids don't hang out with each other, and we don't share similar school functions. That alone could sever a friendship, but because we share common values, views, and appreciate each other, our friendship continues. Christine also runs the Mattie Miracle Walk's registration process each year, which is no small undertaking. I am grateful that she is committed to the Foundation and helping us keep Mattie's memory alive.
Another one of many reasons I love time with Christine, is she is not afraid to talk about feelings and the emotions that still exist in her family over the loss of Mattie. One would think after ten years, I don't need to hear this, but that is actually not true. I value openness and I want to hear how Mattie's loss affects others. I appreciate this because it enables me to know that I am not alone in my feelings, that others are also impacted long-term, and that Mattie's memory is alive and well in our friends. That is a gift!
Sometimes I don't realize the magnitude of Mattie's loss on his friends or our friends. So hearing about it candidly is important. People do not tell me this to make me feel guilty, but I am saddened that Mattie's friends are in essence forever changed because of his death at such a young age. Children are very perceptive and intuitive beings, and though children may not express or show grief like adults, I do believe this sadness comes out in other ways. One of which is a pervasive insecurity about the world and a level of anxiety that can't be understood by the untrainer observer. I am not sure how to help others impacted by Mattie's loss, other than to listen, absorb, and reflect. As I know these are things that help me.
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