Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2008. Mattie was five years old and doing one of the things he loved best..... building and creating. As you can see, Mattie created a plane out of tinkertoys. I can't tell you how many Mattie creations filled our home on any given day, and when Mattie died, our home seemed transformed. Things were quieter, less vibrant, and in a way it felt like we were living in an alternative universe that made no sense to us.
Quote of the day: Smooth seas do not make for skilled sailors. ~ African Proverb
In one of the professional counseling magazines I received this month, I noticed an article entitled, Helping clients grow from loss (https://ct.counseling.org/2020/02/helping-clients-grow-from-loss/). Naturally I felt compelled to read it. I should caveat my comments on this article with the fact that I have NEVER found a book on grief that has resonated with me. I can freely say this as I received practically a library's worth of books from people when Mattie died. People were good intentioned and wanted to help and support me. I am sure the thought was giving me a book would either show me the way through grief or that I would see that I was not the only person feeling this way. Either case, the books weren't helpful. I did not want to hear someone else's story, I did not want to hear how they survived it, and I most certainly did not want to read the grief "how to list" on what I should do to accept this loss and grow stronger.
Don't you know it, in this article I read today, the African proverb (I highlighted above) was integrated in the story. I certainly get the analogy, that we learn more about ourselves and the world around us during the times we struggle. Certainly I can see this proverb working under most circumstances. But I truly do not like when people talk to me about what I learned and my "growth" after losing Mattie in a most hideous manner. In fact the whole notion of post-traumatic growth (a positive change that follows the struggle after some kind of traumatic event) irritates me. I get it, we want to put a positive spin on our losses. We want to highlight that even under the worst of circumstances we picked ourselves up, regrouped, and re-invested back in the world and in ourselves.
In fact, research seems to indicate that there are 5 makers of post-traumatic growth:
- Improved relationships with others
- Greater appreciation for life
- New possibilities for one’s life
- Greater awareness of personal strengths
- Changes in spirituality
Certainly I have seen all five of these markers in my own life. But what I most resent about these conversations is it always makes it sound like a bereaved person would never have the opportunity to rise to this level of understanding without the traumatic event happening to him/her in the first place! Traumatic events happen tragically, none of us ask for them to happen, and personally trying to rationalize why they happen and attaching some positive spin to them negates the experiences and memories.
A few weeks ago on the blog, I reframed that horrible saying.... 'things happen for a reason' and instead said we must find the meaning behind the things that happen to us. With that same line of reasoning, if I worked with trauma survivors, I would absolutely rework the lexicon from post-traumatic growth to post-traumatic meaning. How we progress forward living with trauma is not honing in on growth, but instead finding meaning behind our experiences, feelings, and thoughts. As I don't think I grew from Mattie's cancer diagnosis and death. Growth evokes guilt and frankly anger. But I have certainly found meaning from Mattie's cancer experience and I use this meaning to guide the work I do with the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation.
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