Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2006. Mattie was almost four years old. That afternoon, Mattie was busy building with his tinkertoys and of course his vehicles were integrated into his play scheme. What I love about this photo was Mattie's incredible smile.
Quote of the day: Should grievers be given the freedom to mourn endlessly? Is it okay to withdraw, to be antisocial, to be far from the friend, daughter, wife, mother you once were? Is that understandable, justifiable when grief has stolen so much of your heart? Or does there come a point when enough is enough, when it is time to move on? ~ Jess McCormack
I came across the article entitled, Loving a grieving friend - even when it's hard, in one of my Facebook groups. It is an intriguing article written by a mom whose child died. Many aspects of what she highlights in her story, I absolutely relate to, as friends for the most part really want us to snap out of it and return to 'normal.' Or better yet, they think that we can see a professional, and magically we will 'be fixed.' Boy if it were that simple, every bereaved mom would be signing up for this magic therapy.
In the article this mom describes a letter she received from a friend eight months after her child died. The letter proceeded to tell this grieving mom that she was being "selfish" and unable to see beyond her problems. Which is why this friend wanted out of their relationship! The grieving mom went on to say that this same friend understood how she was feeling immediately after her child died, but clearly did not have the same compassion eight months into the grieving journey. Needless to say the by-product of this letter was that the grieving mom felt guilty and deemed herself a terrible friend.
Personally her recount of her friendship with this woman was very insightful. Because like so many of us bereaved moms, friends and society deem what is the APPROPRIATE amount of time to grieve. Clearly this woman's friend felt that eight months was more than enough time, and now she had to return back to the way she used to be! She wanted the bereaved mom to have a wake up call (and thought the letter was the way to accomplish this)! Newflash..... the wake up call should be offered instead to the friend!
I found the word "selfish" in this article very irritating. I don't direct my irritation to the bereaved mom, but rather to those around us. To an outside observer, perhaps bereaved moms appear to be selfish and we are wrapped up in our own thoughts and feelings. The thing is that this isn't selfishness, this is how we manage the trauma we experience(d). It takes quite a long time to find a way to integrate this trauma into our daily lives and frankly even when we appear to have accepted this life altering change, there can be times (milestones, insensitive comments, holidays, etc) that re-trigger our feelings and when this happens it is not unusual for us to once again retreat from the world. Retreat and regroup, as I call it! This isn't a one time occurrence either, as we retreat and regroup at various points in our grief journey in order to protect ourselves, face our thoughts and feelings in a safe space, so that we may emerge back into the world and continue to live with our lifetime loss.
I posted this article below and it is my hope that it gives friends of bereaved moms perspective. What may appear to be "selfish" behavior, is truly a protective mechanism that is needed to protect ourselves and to find a way to make meaning from our traumatic loss.
Loving A Grieving Friend – Even When It’s Hard:
https://stillstandingmag.com/2018/04/22/loving-a-grieving-friend/
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