Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007. Mattie was out in Los Angeles and that day we took him to Travel Town. Travel Town is part of Griffith Park and it was located minutes from where my parents used to live. Ironically I never went to Travel Town in all the years my parents lived there, until Mattie came into our lives. Mattie LOVED trains and all the vintage trains at this outdoor museum are fascinating. It is like taking a stroll back in time and it provides a real hands on experience as you can tour around and inside many of the train cars. It was right up Mattie's alley!
Quote of the day: Any woman who’d ever lost a child knew of the hollowness that remained within the soul. ~ Brittainy C. Cherry
I would like to say that last night's dinner was a success! But I think the only ones who really enjoyed it were Peter and me. With every bite of flank steak that my dad took, he would chew it and then spit it out. Lining the side of his plate. I can put up with his behavior most times, but last night wasn't one of those times. He kept looking for more food and clearly did not like what I prepared. However, to look like a normal household and to make a nice dinner, it takes extraordinary effort on my part. Effort that takes energy, of which I am lacking.
This morning, I pulled myself out of bed at 7:30am. I needed that extra hour of sleep. If my mom weren't here, I could control my morning wake ups much better, but since she gets up at 5:30am, everything in the house starts earlier. Mind you she and my dad spend a good portion of the day napping. Good for them, but once I am up, I am not going back to sleep. I would prefer if they just got up later in the morning and maybe there would be less napping? I don't know, but I can wonder!
While getting dressed this morning, I had the radio on. I heard Miranda Lambert's song, "The House that Built Me." If you have never heard the song, I attached the YouTube link below. I haven't heard this song in a long time. In fact, it was released in 2010, soon after Mattie died. One of my friends sent it to me back then and honestly I am not sure the context why you sent it to me, but apparently it reminded her of Mattie and what I was going through.
Now a decade or more later, I listen to it and have multiple emotions that pop into my head. I truly think the lyrics of the song are pointing to the home you grew up in. That these formative years are what build us and when losses, milestones, or tragedies occur in our lives, we return to reflect and remember what defined us and shaped the foundation of who we are! Ironically, I do not look back at the homes I grew up in as a child. Instead, the house that built me was our townhouse in Washington, DC. It was within this home, I learned about the beauty and complexities of marriage, I became a mom and raised Mattie for seven years, I studied and obtained my Ph.D., and learned how to survive through a childhood cancer diagnosis, treatment, and death. It was in this townhouse that I learned to be childless and I had to find a way back into the world, a world that I sometimes do not feel a part of. That is a lot that occurred in one HOME. I feel it those walls of the townhouse could talk, they would have a lot to say!
But this morning while listening to this song, I also thought about the "House that Built Me" in a different light. Not only did the townhouse help develop the person I am today, but it was within this space that I could truly be who I am. Or was meant to be. I wasn't defined by being a caregiver, and did not have the daily routine and obligations that I do now. The lyrics of the song resonate with me, and I am sure they may to whomever hears them..............
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it. This brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here, it's like I'm someone else, I thought that maybe I could find myself. If I could just come in, I swear I'll leave. Won't take nothin' but a memory. From the house that built me.
The premise of the song is about a person who returns to a house she grew up in. She stands in front of it, and asks the current owner if she can come in. She wants to come inside because she hopes it will alleviate her brokenness and it may help her heal. These are very powerful words, thoughts, and emotions expressed through music. We all want to find our safe space where we can really be ourselves and heal. What this song makes me see is that I don't feel like myself now, and that who I am is getting lost with each day. Which is why I can appreciate why we all need on occasion to reflect on the House that Built Me.
No comments:
Post a Comment