Tuesday, January 17, 2023

Tuesday, January 17, 2023 -- Mattie died 694 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2004. Mattie was a year and a half old and I most likely snapped that photo back then because it captured some of the chaos all around us. Having a child is a major life change and the amount of things one accumulates in the process can be overwhelming. Certainly overwhelming when you have limited space and you are used to having order in your life. I do admit to needing organization in my life, but Mattie most definitely helped me embrace the beauty of being flexible. I learned to love books everywhere, Legos aplenty, and even toys that made noise.   

Quote of the day: Turn down the volume of your negative inner voice and create a nurturing inner voice to take it’s place. When you make a mistake, forgive yourself, learn from it, and move on instead of obsessing about it. Equally important, don’t allow anyone else to dwell on your mistakes or shortcomings or to expect perfection from you. ~ Beverly Engel

It is hard to believe that in the middle of my daily chaos, I am also trying to run a Foundation. I honestly do not know how I do this most days without cracking up. As I am projecting forward to the Foundation's newsletters, I reached out today to several people to submit quotes or material for my to include in upcoming publications. In the process of these email correspondence, one person did respond right away and she let me know that she is traveling now for her own Foundation work and then shared one of her Foundation's latest endeavors. Her idea is a great one and I commended her for providing this important virtual resource to our community. Of course while acknowledging her accomplishment, the next thing happening internally in my head was this question...... why am I NOT doing this already? My negative self talk, as tonight's quote points out, needs a volume adjustment, as it can drown out rationalization at times. 

In the midst of everything else going on today, I received a surprise package in the mail. My friend Nancy, sent me this adorable window friend. The heart she is holding says, "a friend always knows when you need a hug." Nancy and I have known each other for quite some time, as we met during our mutual time working for a professional association. Through our work, we became friends. Ironically when I first met Nancy, she was a caregiver to her mother. I even eventually shared my dissertation work with Nancy, as I felt that I had some appreciation for the stresses she was balancing. 

It seems like Nancy and I have now come full circle! When in the midst of such incredible stress each day, it is amazing how a kind email, a card, or a surprise gift can turn my mood around. Caregiving has caused me to be totally disconnected from the world around me and unable to be a friend anymore. Which is why I am grateful that my core support network seems to understand this, they do not have expectations or put pressures upon me, and amazingly they don't walk away.